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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25119169">Deep Blue</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shknofftherust/pseuds/Shknofftherust'>Shknofftherust</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Last of Us</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Canon Compliant, F/F, F/M, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Spoilers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 08:48:19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>84,522</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25119169</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shknofftherust/pseuds/Shknofftherust</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Ellie returns to Jackson in search of resolution, but doesn’t know what she wants. Instead of immediately pursuing Dina, Ellie takes some time to figure herself out before deciding if she wants to reconcile with Dina.</p><p>Immediately post TLOU2 with flashbacks from various years mixed in.</p><p>Catch me on Tumblr under the same handle.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us), Ellie &amp; Joel (The Last of Us), Ellie &amp; Tommy (The Last of Us), Ellie/Kat (The Last of Us), Ellie/Riley (The Last of Us), Joel &amp; Tommy (The Last of Us), Maria/Tommy (The Last of Us)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>259</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>862</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Jackson</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The one where Ellie goes back to Jackson.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ellie knew that it had been foolish to expect that Dina and JJ would be waiting for her at the farm, and so she had hardly dared to hope. Still, she’d been drawn back to their home from the very moment she’d decided to leave California, and scarcely thought of anything other than what it would be like to come home to her family after so long. On the nights where she’d slept on the cold ground, it was thoughts of the three of them in their cozy little home that fueled her determination to get back to them. Other nights, when she felt too tired to keep going, she would imagine how good it would feel to fall into bed next to Dina again and she would find the strength to walk for just a bit longer.</p><p>When things got really dark inside her head, she would reflect on the fact that dying was such an easy thing to do in the world Ellie inhabited, and in the moments when death seemed preferable, she would think of JJ and her heart would hurt with how badly she wanted to see him. She didn’t even know whether Dina would allow Ellie to be continue to be part of JJ’s life, but she still had the drive to find out whether he was walking or talking yet, if he looked like Jesse or Dina, if he would even remember Ellie who loved him so much but who had chosen to leave him. </p><p>When Ellie first stepped foot onto the property, she was instantly aware of the absolute silence, save for the wind rustling through the trees. There were no animals wandering in the pasture, no crops swaying happily in the breeze, and no light waiting for her in the window of the house. She understood then that no one had been at the farm for quite some time, and that made her feel a bit panicky even though she had known that this was possible. </p><p>She wasn’t sure how much time had passed since she had left for California, because she hadn’t even attempted to keep track of  the passing days, but she figured that it must have been at least three or four months, maybe as many as six. How foolish she had been to leave behind this blissful, easy life with the two people she loved most, it had seemed so logical at the time and she had weighed her decision carefully. Leaving hadn’t been impulsive, it hadn’t been hasty, and it had come as a surprise only to Dina. In hindsight, Ellie felt that she’d known all along that she would leave someday; she’d just been waiting for the right moment.</p><p>She had been thinking of going after Abby for a long time, but hadn’t even known where to begin to look. Tommy coming to bring information about Abby’s whereabouts had just been the gasoline on a flame that had been smoldering for months. When she told Tommy that she couldn’t go to California, she had tried to believe her own words. She had wanted to want to stay, but she had made the conscious decision to leave. Now, she struggled to understand why she had ever thought that she was making the right choice. She’d been stupid to go there in the first place. Stupid to leave her family behind. Stupid to have hoped that California would have stopped the flashbacks. She hadn’t found peace in Jackson, on this farm, or in California, and she was beginning to feel that peace would always elude her. </p><p>The farmhouse and the land it sat upon were as empty and barren as Ellie felt inside, and after just a few moments of being there Ellie realized that it was just a house now - no longer a home. She was reminded of the first time she had seen the dead body of someone she loved, and even now she could recall the moment when she understood that the body in front of her was just a husk and that the person inside was long gone. </p><p>This home that had been so lovingly restored by Ellie’s own hands, this home that had been once filled with the laughter of Ellie and Dina and their son, was now just the corpse of that old life. </p><p>Her heart ached as she thought of JJ. Their son. Dina’s son. Could he really be Ellie’s son now, when she had willingly abandoned him? Would Dina even let her see him again? She couldn’t think of that now, because the thought of never again laying eyes on the boy was so unbearable that Ellie feared that she would collapse beneath the weight of it.</p><p>She had searched the whole house for a note even though she knew that she wouldn’t find one, and was unsurprised to be greeted only by cobwebs and a few boxes of her own belongings. Books, and records, and photographs. Art supplies, portraits, and the guitar that she could no longer play. She knew that she couldn’t stay there without Dina and JJ, but she wasn’t sure that she could bear living in Jackson without them, either. Of course she would go to Jackson to make sure that they were okay, but she didn’t know what she’d do after that. </p><p>She wasn’t even sure that she would be welcome in Jackson when everyone probably knew what she had done and where she had gone. It was true that Maria would let Ellie stay if she wanted to, but that wasn’t the same as being welcome. As being wanted. </p><p>Ellie had been wanted here, by Dina, and then she had left even as Dina begged her to stay with her and their son. Dina’s son. Jesse’s son. She really had no right to lay claim on the boy at all anymore, even though she had watched him come into the world and had seen him take his first breath. She had to stop thinking of him as hers so that it wouldn’t hurt so much when Dina told her that she couldn’t be his mom anymore.</p><p>As she walked toward Jackson, Ellie tried mightily to imagine exactly what Dina and JJ must be doing right at this very moment. This mental exercise had kept her company for so many months that it was by sheer force of habit that she attempted it again. It made her a little sad to realize that she didn’t know enough about their lives to even hazard a guess. It had been easy to envision them when she’d still had hope that they would be waiting for her on the farm because she had once been part of that life, and now she wasn’t. </p><p>Thinking of her family had been the sole good thing in her life since she had left them. Thinking of them had given her strength, and the dream of being with them again had been something to fight for. But now, Ellie wasn’t sure if there was any fight left in her at all. </p><p>Walking alone under the clear blue Wyoming sky, Ellie understood that without Joel, Dina, or JJ, Jackson could no longer be her home and that ached worse than the phantom pains from her two missing fingers. She knew that there were other towns nearby that were similar to Jackson and she had visited some of them with Joel on trading and supply runs and she figured that she could settle in one of them if it came down to it. Another option would be joining up with a group like the Fireflies or the WLF, but Ellie also felt intrigued by the idea of going it alone so that she could ensure that she was never again left behind.</p><p>Feeling exhausted by the thoughts that were slamming through her head faster than she could fully weigh them out, she decided that she would just head to Jackson to make sure that Dina and JJ had gotten there safely and then she would figure the rest out later. She took the familiar walk to Jackson slowly as she tried to figure out what she would say to everyone when they asked their questions. She also wasn’t sure whether she should try to talk to Dina herself or if she would just ask Maria how they were doing. It seemed cruel to just show up and disrupt their lives when it was she who had upended them in the first place, but it seemed worse somehow to not even give Dina the chance to ask questions if she had them.</p><p>Despite literally dragging her feet, Ellie’s heart sank a little when the towering gates of Jackson came into view more quickly than she had anticipated. Sunset was approaching rapidly and Jackson itself was shrouded in the haze of impending darkness. Seeing it like this, when she felt so small and defeated, reminded her of the time that she had come through these gates with Joel knowing that it was to be her new home. </p><p>She had been just fifteen and relied completely on Joel’s assurances that everything would be okay. Time had proven that Joel had been right when he promised her that they would establish a good life in Jackson, and it made Ellie’s heart ache to think that she’d never thanked him for bringing her to Jackson to have a home and be part of a family.</p><p>Before Joel, she’d always longed for a family and had come to understand that it wasn’t attainable for her. She was an orphan, a loner who didn’t get along with the other kids, too independent for the adults to pity her, and too young to be taken seriously. But after she and Joel had settled into their new home together, she’d eventually come to take his love for granted in a way she never thought she would. Joel, Tommy, and Maria had never explicitly declared their roles in Ellie’s life, but it had been understood that they were a family.</p><p>Ellie recalled how she and Joel had stayed with Maria and Tommy for a few weeks while a house was chosen and then cleaned up for them, and how those weeks had been a whirlwind of meeting everyone in town, beginning her rotations, and helping Joel scout out furniture for their new place. She’d met Dina and Jesse in those first few days, and she had been instantly drawn to them, although she had tried to conceal that fact.</p><p>With Maria’s help, she and Joel had settled on a plot with a main house and a detached back house, and it had been decided that Ellie would live in the detached house so that she could have some privacy and her own space, but she found herself in Joel’s kitchen or on his porch where they would eat meals and practice guitar together. There had been some slight tension between them at first as they’d started to settle in at home. They’d had to adjust to their roles in each other’s lives when they weren’t actively depending on each other for survival, while Ellie had needed to get used to living around so many other people. </p><p>They had also seemed to be decidedly avoiding conversations about what had taken place over the past year. But soon, things had thawed between them as Joel began teaching her how to play guitar, showed her how to paint, and how to cook a little. Remembering those early days made her heart hurt so much that she pressed her hand to her chest to steel herself against the pain. As Ellie stood alone in the deepening shadows, she figured that at least she was remembering the good things about her time with Joel and not everything that had happened later…</p><p>Lost in those warm memories, she jumped a bit when she heard a familiar voice hiss “Ellie?!” Ellie glanced around wildly trying to locate the voice. She remembered that she hadn’t heard her own name spoken aloud since she’d left the farm all those months ago. The two syllables sounded strange to her ears and it made her cringe a little to be addressed so directly.</p><p>Ellie’s eyes located the source of the sound just as Maria approached her from the woods. “What the hell are you doing here?” Detecting a note of anger in Maria’s voice, Ellie froze and began to panic. She had expected that Maria would have some choice words for her, but she had never once considered the thought that she would be unwelcome in Jackson and was caught off guard by the possibility that she could be turned away.</p><p>Thinking quickly, she figured that she’d just ask Maria if Dina and JJ were okay and then prepare to leave Jackson for good. She decided that if the conversation went well, and if she felt brave enough, she could ask Maria if she could sleep on her couch for a night before leaving. Then, if things went well and if Maria was feeling charitable, maybe she’d send Ellie off with some supplies for her journey to wherever. Feeling unsure, Ellie braced herself against the rejection that seemed inevitable.</p><p>Instead, she found herself enveloped in Maria’s strong arms before she could even react. Maria held Ellie close and hissed “I thought you were dead”. The hug made Ellie jump and then tense up a little, but Maria just tightened her grip and held her close for several moments before stepping away to take a look at her, </p><p>“Actually, you look half dead. I’ve never, ever seen you this thin. Come on, we’ll go to my place for some food and you can fill me in on where the fuck you’ve been this whole time.” Ellie smiled a bit in spite of herself because you could always trust Maria to tell you exactly what she was thinking.</p><p>Maria wrapped her fingers around Ellie’s forearm and led her toward the gates of Jackson. Ellie’s unease at the human contact reminded her that she hadn’t been touched by anyone who wasn’t actively trying to kill her in months, and she had to consciously fight the impulse to throw Maria’s hands off of her.</p><p>When they made it to Maria’s house, Ellie was grateful to feel a hint of the warm homecoming that she had been hoping to feel when she got back to the farm. Sitting at Maria’s kitchen table with a plate of food was so familiar to Ellie that she almost forgot how much time had passed and how different things were now. Ellie forced down a few bites of chicken under Maria’s watchful eye, and prepared herself for the barrage of questions that Maria would surely have for her. </p><p>But to her surprise, Maria said simply “So, you’ll be staying a while.” Ellie raised an eyebrow and started to speak before Maria cut her off and gestured toward the plate of food between them. Ellie sighed and took another bite while Maria repeated herself, “You’ll be staying a while.”</p><p>Ellie swallowed and then looked at Maria “I don’t think I can. I just wanted to make sure that Dina and JJ are okay, but I don’t think I can stay.”</p><p> Maria frowned and crossed her arms defiantly, “Alright, they’re both okay. Now what? Are you just going to take off again?” </p><p>Ellie set her fork down more aggressively than she intended to and spoke through gritted teeth, “Maria, what do you want from me? Do you expect me to just waltz back into Jackson, take up my old job, and pretend that nothing has happened?” </p><p>Maria threw her hands up in frustration, “Ellie. You are so goddamned hard headed that it amazes me, even after knowing you for so long. People love you, you know? Maybe you should let them.” </p><p>Love. What a deceptively small word to hold such a strange, strange concept. Ellie used to think that she knew what love was, but now she wasn’t so sure. Was it her love of Joel that had led her to leave her family to seek vengeance? Could she have really loved her family if she had been willing to leave them? Would anyone ever be able to love her again if they knew all of the dreadful things she’d done? Ellie’s eyes dropped back to her plate and she suddenly wished that she hadn’t made such a show of setting her fork down, because she would have loved to have something to do with her hands. </p><p>“Ellie,” Maria reached out for Ellie’s hand, “Dina told me what happened between the two of you. I don’t know who else knows, and I wouldn’t worry about that if I were you. They know better than to piss you off.” Ellie was amused in spite of herself.</p><p>Both women laughed a little and then in a small voice Ellie asked “Was she mad? Do you think I should go see her?” </p><p>Maria sighed sadly and shook her head, “No, she didn’t seem mad. Just very, very hurt.”</p><p>Ellie felt her eyes begin to well up with tears, so she averted her gaze so that Maria wouldn’t see. Fighting back the urge to lay her head down and cry, Ellie swallowed hard before speaking, “Is she seeing anyone else?” Ellie didn’t know why she’d even asked that question. She had decided earlier that she wouldn’t ask it because it didn’t matter anymore.</p><p>“Ellie,” Maria began, “I don’t know if you can -“</p><p>Ellie pulled her hand away, “You think I don’t know that? I wouldn’t even ask her to take me back. How could I?” </p><p>Maria spoke over her, “For God’s sake, girl, let me finish.” Maria sucked in her breath and went on, “I don’t know if you can get her back, Ellie, but you have to at least go talk to her. I know how much you love that girl.”</p><p>Ellie shook her head and rubbed her eyes to prevent any tears from flowing, “No, Maria. I might stay awhile but I’m not going to bother her. I don’t deserve them. Not after what I did...the things I’ve done.” </p><p>Maria’s face looked serious now and that made the wrinkles that were etched into her skin seem deeper than ever. Ellie wasn’t sure if she was imagining things, but there seemed to be more gray in Maria’s hair than she remembered, and the deep bags beneath Maria’s eyes gave her the impression that Maria hadn’t been sleeping well. It was a necessary reminder that Ellie wasn’t the only person who’d been having a difficult time in the aftermath of Joel’s death. Ellie knew that it had caused serious problems between Maria and Tommy, and she had notice a distinct absence of Tommy’s belongings in the house.</p><p>“Ellie,” Maria sighed, “you left, and that was really stupid. But you aren’t a bad person and you aren’t irredeemable.” </p><p>Ellie laughed harshly as her mind filled with images of Riley, David’s ruined face after she’d hacked into it with a machete, Nora screaming in pain, dozens of nameless others, and Joel’s eyes, and…</p><p>“Maria, you don’t know the half of it. I’m a fucking monster,” and as she said this, she held up her left hand to point out the absence of two missing fingers. </p><p>Maria seemed unphased by the revelation, “The world we live in, we do things to survive. Everything you’ve seen, experienced, and done...it’s too much for any twenty-one year old. But there is good in you Ellie. Everyone who truly knows you, knows that.”</p><p>Ellie felt a little deflated at Maria’s nonchalant reaction to her injury, and could only bring herself to shrug. Maria stared fiercely at the girl whom she had come to regard as her niece, waiting for Ellie to say something. </p><p>“Ellie, do you want to reconcile with Dina?”</p><p>After a while, Ellie said “I love them, but I don’t think I’m good for them. Dina has enough to deal with and she shouldn’t be burdened by me and my inability to get my shit together. I was a mess when we were at the farm, Maria.” Maria nodded for Ellie to go on and took a long drink from her glass.</p><p>“I was always falling apart. I didn’t eat or sleep. I’d have horrible nightmares. I tried so hard to be good for them, but I’d have a flashback or a breakdown, and then Dina would have to drop everything to comfort me. It was just too much, and I’m not going to do that to them anymore.” </p><p>Maria nodded sympathetically and said “Then, you’ll stay a while. Rest up and then when you’re ready, you’ll go talk to her.” Ellie was too tired to argue, and instead just sighed and bowed her head. </p><p>Maria reached out and covered Ellie’s injured hand with her own, “Do you want to stay here tonight, El?” Ellie shook her head slowly, “I think - if it’s okay, I’d like to go back to my old place.” Maria hesitated and seemed to be struggling to find the words to deny her request, but Ellie met her eyes and spoke plainly, “Maria, I won’t go anywhere else. I won’t leave, I promise.” </p><p>Maria knew Ellie well enough to know when she was being sincere, and so she nodded, “Okay, then you can go to your old place, and I’ll come by on my way to work in the morning to bring you something to eat and a few other things.” Ellie smiled wanly and waited for Maria to go get the key to her old place behind Joel’s house.</p><p>Ellie’s mind was almost completely blank as she walked back to the home she’d lived in for four years. In the early days, there had been countless evenings when she and Joel would walk over to Maria and Tommy’s place for dinner or a movie and spend hours laughing together like a real family. After that day in Salt Lake, Ellie would come here alone to chat with Maria and would make a valiant effort to keep the topic of conversation away from her falling out with Joel. She suspected that he’d told them everything, but she couldn’t bring herself to talk about it with anyone. Not even Dina or Jesse. Not even with herself.</p><p>She’d been so lost in thought during her walk home that she was startled to suddenly find herself standing in front of her own door, and had to fumble through her pockets to find the key that Maria had just pressed into her hand ten minutes ago. When she was inside, she instinctively flipped the light switch before she remembered that she’d taken her lamp to the farmhouse and made a mental note to pick one up tomorrow. She didn’t think she was ready to sleep yet, so she dumped the contents of her bag onto the bed and sorted through them in the near darkness.</p><p>She hung her jacket up on a hook near the door and placed her boots on the ground beneath it. She placed the few items of clothing she had into her old dresser, put her toothbrush in the bathroom, and tossed the paperback she’d been reading onto her nightstand. She set her old walkman, her pocket knife, and her journal onto her desk. Aside from a few assorted items, that was it. At least, until she plucked up the courage to go to the farmhouse for the rest of her things, but she couldn’t spare the energy to think of that now. </p><p>Ellie set her gun down on the nightstand and pulled off her jeans. She laid down on her old bed and slipped beneath the clean blanket Maria had given her. She hadn’t slept on a real bed in so long that it took her a few minutes to get comfortable now that she had grown used to sleeping on the ground. Once she settled in, a few images of Dina and JJ crashed through her head until she dropped off to sleep. </p><p>And then for the first time in nearly two years, she slept through the night.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This is my first time attempting anything like this. We’ll see how it goes.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Like a Stray</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The one where Joel and Ellie get along.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Present</p><p>On her first morning back in Jackson, Ellie woke to the sound of children shrieking and laughing as they headed off to school. Their screams unsettled her and she instinctively reached for her gun. She’d been away from Jackson since a couple of weeks after she had returned from Seattle with Dina, Tommy, and the news of Jesse’s death. In that time, Ellie had grown so unused to the presence of other people, that even the sound of Jackson’s early morning routine was an assault on her senses. Heart racing, she sat up in bed and struggled to control her breathing as the barrage of sound washed over her. </p><p>Still, despite the anxiety, Ellie found the early morning chaos of the little town to be strangely welcome as she sat alone in this room. It reminded her of a simpler time when this had been her morning wake up call every day. She bet that if she closed her eyes and let her mind drift, she would almost be able to pretend that she was still a teenager and that Joel was just a few yards away plucking at his guitar in the early morning hours the way he sometimes would.</p><p>“I miss you, old man”, she murmured to her empty room. She found herself doing that a lot lately; she would speak aloud to Joel as if he could hear her, even though she wasn’t so sure that she believed in an afterlife. During the long trip back to Wyoming, she had gone days at a time without speaking at all and then she would be vaguely startled to hear her own voice when she did speak. </p><p>Ellie very much wished that she could believe in an afterlife so that she could at least pretend that eventually she’d get to see Joel and everyone else she’d lost again. She wondered how Joel would feel if he could see her like this: maimed, nervous, withdrawn, alone. Part of her was glad that he was gone, if only so that he didn’t have to witness what she had become.</p><p>She had never been afraid, even before she knew Joel, and this newfound skittishness annoyed her. It struck her as a bit ridiculous that she could be made anxious in her own bed by the sounds of happy children when she had killed so many people, had fought off hordes infected, had crossed the country with Joel, and had gone all the way to California and back by herself. </p><p>Her anxiety and bedraggled appearance reminded her vaguely of a feral cat that she’d known over the summer when she was eighteen. It had wandered into their yard one night looking rather worse for wear, and it had stuck around for months while Joel had taken care of it. It had been skittish and refused any human contact, but Joel had loved the thing all the same. She felt kind of feral like that cat now and wished that Joel were here to nurture her until she was whole again. The memory of how that cat had gotten Ellie and Joel to laugh together for the first time in months made her smile until she closed her eyes and drifted away…</p><p>Three Years Earlier</p><p>It was a warm spring day with an uncharacteristically clear blue sky. Ellie had just finished getting dressed on her off day and was headed off to meet up with Dina and Jesse. As she stepped outside into the morning, she was surprised to see Joel bent down in the grass near her front door, gazing at a cat that was staring back at him from about 15 feet away. Ordinarily, she would have walked by him as if she hadn’t seen him, but curiosity got the best of her. As she approached, she heard Joel wonder aloud about how that mangy cat could have ended up in Jackson. </p><p>Ellie just shrugged as she got close to him and said “I dunno.” Joel looked at her over his shoulder and seemed as surprised to hear her speak directly to him as she was surprised at herself for having spoken. He looked at her as though he wanted to say something, but instead he slowly held a hand out toward the cat in an effort to entice it to come closer to him. </p><p>The cat was gray, half-starved, and looked as though he had lost a fight recently because his right ear was torn and the skin beneath his matted fur was covered in shallow scratches and pockmarks. When it noticed Joel’s outstretched hand, the filthy cat looked directly at Joel and hesitated a moment before bolting away from Joel, toward the treeline behind their property. </p><p>Joel looked so disappointed that Ellie felt sort of bad for him and decided to try to cheer him up a little, “He’s probably feral. I read about that once,” she could see Joel’s back tense a little in response to her words “It’s got nothing to do with you, really. He just isn’t used to people.” </p><p>Joel nodded and said “Yeah...you’re probably right,” in that Texas drawl of his. She couldn’t see his face, but she would swear that she heard his voice break a little when he said “Thanks for telling me that.” She understood that he was trying to communicate something more to her, and she also knew that she wasn’t ready to hear it, yet. On the rare occasion that some brave soul would muster up the courage to ask Ellie when she and Joel would reconcile, Ellie would just shrug. They had time.</p><p>Joel turned to look up at her while still crouching in the grass, and the gratitude she saw in his dark eyes made her feel uncomfortable and vaguely guilty. Ellie did miss Joel’s company, but she was kept busy with Dina, Jesse, girls, friends, and her work. Ellie had built enough of a social circle that she was never alone unless she wanted to be. So many nights Ellie had come home late from a party to find Joel alone on his porch with a glass of whiskey and his guitar. He never had friends over and she hadn’t known him to have dated anyone since the early days when they’d first made it to Jackson. It occurred to her for the first time that he might be lonely. </p><p>Ellie thought of the words she’d said to him in Salt Lake City then, and for just a moment, she felt regret for having said them. She shuffled her feet a little and just shrugged because she couldn’t think of anything else to say. When she didn’t respond further, Joel clicked his tongue and sat down in the grass. He stared off in the direction that the cat had disappeared to, apparently hoping for it to show its face again. Ellie watched him for a moment longer and then walked away. Nearly eight months had passed since Joel had followed Ellie to Salt Lake City, and always true to her word, Ellie worked hard to make sure that they never spoke to each other unless it was absolutely necessary. </p><p>In the weeks that followed the cat’s first appearance, Ellie came to realize that he was still coming around. He would wander around their yard and chase the rabbits. He would rummage through their trash cans after dark, and would scatter the food scraps he had pulled from the trash. She had never been particularly fond of cats, but he really was an ugly, pitiable thing and so she had decided against trying to scare him away. </p><p>One morning, she had walked outside to find the tattered remains of a dead rabbit near her front door and she assumed that the cat had left it there. She found it odd that the cat continued to come around and wondered if Joel was somehow enticing it to stay. She considered asking Joel about it but ultimately decided that it wasn’t important enough to mention. </p><p>Weeks passed, and then a month, and then Spring faded into Summer; and all the while that damn cat stuck around terrorizing the wildlife and flinging trash and animal guts everywhere. Despite the occasional annoyance of having to clean up a mess the cat had left behind, Ellie was vaguely pleased to see that with each passing day, it seemed to be gaining weight and looking healthier. Ellie told herself that she was just happy at its healthier appearance because the cat had been such an eyesore before, but deep down some part of Ellie just liked to see something thriving in the world they lived in.</p><p>To her amusement, on more than one occasion she had seen the cat follow Joel around, although he never got close enough that Joel could touch him. Instead, the cat trailed behind Joel at a careful distance and watched with interest as Joel played guitar on the porch or tended to his little garden behind the house. Ellie liked seeing the mangy cat follow the gruff Texan around their yard and thought that they made a funny pair. But mostly she was glad to know that Joel wasn’t alone.</p><p>One evening, Ellie had come home drunk after a night at the Tipsy Bison to find Joel playing guitar on his porch and saw the cat watching him contentedly on the porch from several feet away. She didn’t recognize the song Joel was playing but she liked the way that the melody sounded almost jaunty while the lyrics themselves were mournful and contemplative.</p><p>The only words she could clearly make out were </p><p>“When sunshine is not enough<br/>
To make me feel bright<br/>
It's got me suffering in the darkness<br/>
That's so easy come by on the road-side<br/>
Of one long life-time</p><p>It's got me deep blue<br/>
You know I'm deep blue”</p><p>If things were different she would have brought her guitar over to the porch and asked Joel to teach it to her the way that she had done a hundred times before. She missed doing that and made a mental note to ask Joel to teach it to her if things ever went back to normal for them. </p><p>Ellie watched them for a moment longer and then walked over to the pair, stumbling a little as she raised one hand in greeting. Joel had been so surprised to see her that his fingers stilled on the strings of his guitar. </p><p>“Ellie.” Joel said in a voice so uncharacteristically timid that it almost sounded like a question. They stared at each other for a moment in silence, neither knowing what to say. </p><p>“I uh…” Ellie began, “I was just wondering if you’ve been feeding him” she finished, and gestured toward the gray lump that was now staring at her suspiciously.</p><p>Joel looked a little sheepish as he sat back in his favorite chair, still clutching his guitar. He chuckled a bit, “Yeah, I feed him sometimes.” </p><p>Ellie raised an eyebrow, “How often is sometimes?” Talking to Joel so casually like this felt good and easy, and she was glad that she had decided to do it.</p><p>Joel set his guitar down and propped it up against the side of the house “Well…I feed him every morning and every evening.” The way he grinned as he said this made Ellie’s heart hurt. </p><p>Feeling more drunk now that she was standing still, Ellie swayed a little where she stood,  “Joel, now we’ll never get rid of him.” She groaned in an exaggerated whine. She didn’t actually care if the cat stuck around, but she was having fun giving Joel a hard time about it.</p><p>Joel shrugged a bit, “Eh, he’ll move on eventually. For now, he’s pretty okay company. He likes to listen to me play guitar, I think.” </p><p>Interested, Ellie asked “Hm, does he ever let you pet him? Do you have a name for him?”</p><p>Joel shook his head, “Naw, he usually watches me from the opposite end of the porch and runs off if I make sudden movements. I mostly just call him Tom. Like Tomcat, you know?”</p><p>Ellie frowned a bit, “I think his name is Tofu.” </p><p>Joel chuckled “Tofu? Kinda like how you named our old buddy Callus?” Ellie smiled at the memory, in spite of herself. </p><p>“Man, if you ever have kids, I worry for them. Naming is not your strong suit.” The thought of her ever having a kid made Ellie laugh a little and Joel laughed along with her, although he didn’t understand why the idea seemed so unlikely. It occurred to her then that she never had gotten around to telling him that she was gay.</p><p>“Look, Joel, the names just come to me, and this guy looks like a Tofu.” </p><p>Joel raised an eyebrow, “Have you ever eaten tofu? Have you ever even seen tofu?” </p><p>Ellie shrugged, “No, but I’ve seen pictures of it and it looks gross. Kinda like that dude.” And she gestured toward Tofu with one outstretched thumb. As if he could understand her, Tofu glanced at her under his hooded eyelids and then laid his head down on his paws with a deep sigh.</p><p>Joel pressed a hand to his chest in mock offense “How dare you say that about him? He can hear you!”</p><p>“I’m pretty sure that he doesn’t speak English, or else he would have fled Jackson in terror after how many times I’ve threatened his life due to how damn often I begin my mornings by nearly stepping on some rabbit guts he left on my doorstep.”</p><p>Joel smiled, “You know, they say that it’s a show of friendship when a cat brings you a dead animal.”</p><p>Smirking a little, Ellie said “Yeah, well with friends like that, who needs enemies?”</p><p>They’d made polite conversation for another few moments before the alcohol got the best of her and she decided that it was time to go to bed. </p><p>When she finally made it back to her room she’d closed the door behind her and shucked off her jeans and the thin jacket she was wearing and face planted onto her bed. She figured that maybe she would regret breaking her resolve in the morning, but she was glad that she put aside her grudge for one night.</p><p>Present</p><p>Sitting alone in her room now, Ellie thought back to that time in her life and remembered how Joel had fed that cat every day until Tofu began to tolerate Joel petting him on occasion. He hung around through the end of summer and then as Joel predicted, Tofu did stop coming around after a while, and Ellie never knew for sure what had happened to him. If Joel knew, he never told her, probably because she’d never asked. She sighed a little at the fact that she’d been so distant from Joel even when he was within arm’s reach.</p><p>“I’m sorry, old man. If I could go back…”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Getting this out took longer than I expected. I kept trying to combine this flashback with some Dina stuff and it just wasn’t working. I expect the Dina/Ellie reunion to be up tomorrow or the next day! For now, some whole Joel/Ellie fluff to grant us all some closure.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Into the Woods</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The one where Ellie finally finds the ovaries to go talk to Dina.</p><p>“Trouble is, son. The farther you run, the more you feel undefined.”</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>In another lifetime it would have been unfathomable to Ellie that she could ever want to avoid seeing Dina. She did want to avoid her, though. She could admit it to herself even if it made her feel a little pathetic. In her efforts to put off her reunion with Dina as long as possible, she had only been brave enough to venture out of her house a few times, but word had spread that she was back and she’d had a few visitors who stopped by to see her with their own eyes. Although she was annoyed at the intrusion, she was also amused in spite of herself and it never ceased to amaze her that despite the fact that Jackson was such a small town it was filled with people who had big mouths.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>On her third day back in Jackson, she had gone down to the clinic to get checked out. She was nursing several injuries and knew that she wasn’t doing a good job of it. She waited until the early afternoon when most people would be at work, but she was still anxious the whole way to the clinic and only relaxed when she made it inside without having run into Dina.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Ellie arrived at the clinic she was grateful to be led almost immediately to an examination room to wait for Todd who ran the clinic along with his father who had been a surgeon before the outbreak. Todd himself had been in medical school when the whole world had fallen apart, and had spent the years since then practicing medicine under his father’s guidance. His face had lit up in a huge smile when he’d first laid eyes on her as he exclaimed his happiness that she’d decided to come back to Jackson. But his warm smile had been quickly replaced with a look of concern as he examined Ellie’s various injuries. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He frowned deeply when he weighed her and saw the miniscule number on the scale and chastised her for taking such poor care of herself. He commented on the rough stitch job she’d done on her side, slowly rotated her swollen ankle, and frowned at her poorly amputated fingers before finally sending her home with antibiotics and strict orders that she not do anything strenuous until he said otherwise. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie knew that his words made sense, but it seemed stupid to her that she should have to take it easy now after having fought her way back to Jackson with these very injuries. Really, the only reason she had only gone to medical at all was because she knew that Maria wouldn’t put her back to work until she felt confident that Ellie was healthy enough for it. When she walked out of the clinic, she was happy to find that there weren’t very many people around, so she decided that she’d go straight to Maria to ask about getting a new assignment.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She checked a few of Maria’s most frequented locations first before making her way to the Tipsy Bison last, as she’d hoped to talk to Maria away from other people. On her way over, Ellie thought carefully about how she could spin Todd’s medical evaluation in such a way that Maria would think that she was ready to do some real work again. She needed to have something to do with herself aside from sitting around being depressed and she needed to find a way to convince Maria to give it to her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When she found Maria in her dimly lit office in the back of the bar, Maria had smiled at Ellie fondly and in an unusually chipper way she said “Hey, Ellie. What brings you in?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie chewed on her cheek for a moment before deciding to lie, “I’m ready to go back to work. I went to see Todd and he says I’m pretty much good. I feel strong enough for patrols, so I’d like to get back on those if you have room for me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maria raised an eyebrow and settled back in her chair, “Oh, did he now?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie could feel the tips of her ears reddening under Maria’s gaze, “Yeah. I mean, mostly.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s interesting because Todd takes his lunch here in the Bison, and he just told me that he wants you to take it easy for at least a month.” Despite having caught the younger woman in a lie, Maria’s voice was still full of affection. She wasn’t angry at Ellie because she understood her need to feel useful and keep busy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie sighed, “Okay, I lied. Look, I’m just going crazy in my house. I need this, Maria. Please.” Ellie hated the note of desperation in her voice but she didn’t have the energy to try to fight it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How about this. I’ll give you some easier assignments for now to get you back into the swing of things. Then, when Todd thinks you’re ready, I’ll put you back on patrols,” Maria paused dramatically and continued, “On two conditions.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie frowned a bit, “Conditions? Like what?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maria smiled wryly, “The first condition is that if you’re going to be sticking around awhile, I want to give you Jesse’s old job.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie was taken aback, “Jesse’s? You want me to…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maria nodded, “Yeah. You know the drill: you’d assign routes, pair people up, plan supply runs, all that good stuff. I need someone I can trust in that role, and I trust you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie flushed red with excitement, “No shit...thank you Maria. I -“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maria held up a hand. “Maybe you don’t want to thank me until you’ve heard the second condition.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie stared back at Maria nervously. She knew Maria well and she knew that the next thing she said wouldn’t be at all good news.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“A few times a month when we need extra hands, Dina goes out on patrols with the crew. If you’re going to be her boss, I need you to patch things up with her.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maria! Jesus, how the fuck am I supposed to…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maria raised a hand to stop her short, “I don’t know, Ellie. That’s for you to figure out. But you can’t be my patrol captain if I can’t trust that everyone on the team will be able to work together.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A muscle twitched in Ellie’s cheek, “Maria...what if she doesn’t want to see me?” Ellie’s voice sounded thin and frail to her own ears. She sounded like a frightened child and it disgusted her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ellie. all I can tell you is that the longer you put it off, the worse it will be.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When she was walking back to her place with her hands jammed into her pockets, Ellie played the conversation with Maria over again in her mind and wished that she’d just gone home after the clinic instead of going to ask for her old job back. The thing that Ellie hadn’t been able to tell Maria is that Ellie wasn’t sure if she wanted to see Dina. Ellie could remember the warm glow that she used to feel whenever she looked at Dina and she feared that it wouldn’t be there anymore after such a long time apart. Then an even worse fear struck her: what if she </span>
  <em>
    <span>did </span>
  </em>
  <span>still feel it and Dina didn’t feel the same?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The thought that Ellie could have fallen out of love with Dina seemed stupid when she’d first considered it, but the more she thought about it, the more plausible it seemed. They were not the two girls they had been when they’d fallen in love here in Jackson, and Ellie wasn’t the same woman she had been when they were last together on the farm. What if all of the events that had changed Ellie so deeply had somehow reached the part of her that had loved Dina since they were sixteen years old? She’d been drawn to her from their first meeting, but Ellie didn’t let people in easily. She had fallen for Dina slowly over a period of a little more than a year as they got close enough that Ellie could easily tell Dina things that she had never told anyone else.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The day that Ellie had realized that she was in love with Dina had been just a few months before her seventeenth birthday. Jesse was somewhere with his dad and so the two girls had decided to go down to the river to swim and smoke some of the pot Dina had gotten from Eugene. They didn’t get to spend too much time alone these days because Dina and Jesse were sort of a package deal now. Ellie wasn’t sure how she felt about that. On one hand, she wanted her two best friends to be happy, and on the other hand, sometimes it hurt so much to see them together that she would make an excuse to get away from them.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>But that day had been a perfect day. The sun blazed cheerfully above them in a cloudless sky all afternoon as they swam, ate their packed lunch, and gossipped about everyone they knew back in town, and Ellie had laughed until her sides ached. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Still damp and pruny from the water, Ellie lay on her back in the grass with her head propped up against her backpack. One arm was draped over her face to shield her eyes from the sun and the other was laying flat at her side. With her eyes closed, she was more keenly aware of the sounds around her: the rustling of the flowing river, birds chirping in the distance, and Dina’s laughter as she attempted to roll a joint with some of the weed Eugene had given her.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I swear that this is exactly how he did it last time he showed me…” Dina groaned.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ellie smiled “Are you sure? Because I’m pretty sure that every joint I’ve ever smoked with Eugene had all of the weed </span>
    <span>inside </span>
    <span>it.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Oh, shut up Ellie.” Dina smacked Ellie’s arm then and devolved into a fit of giggles. Dina looked at the misshapen joint in her hand with weed spilling out of it and had to admit to herself that her rolling skills were...not great.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“God, just let me do it.” Ellie said, pushing herself up with great drama until she was sitting next to Dina with their backs against a downed tree. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Ha, like you can do better” Dina snorted, but she begrudgingly handed over the mangled joint without protest. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Rolling her eyes, Ellie pulled her journal out of her bag and dumped the weed onto it. She smoothed out the rolling paper as much as she could and then began sprinkling the weed into it. When the joint was finished and sealed she held it out to Dina and winked at her.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Pretending to be annoyed, Dina yanked it out of  Ellie’s hand and placed it between her own teeth. She then raised her eyebrows at Ellie expectantly and waited for Ellie to catch on and hold up the lighter for her.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Dina held her hair back with one hand as she leaned into the flame. Inhaling slowly, Dina gazed up at Ellie and the two girls made eye contact that sent chills rushing through Ellie’s body. The reflection of the flame danced wildly in Dina’s eyes as the wind picked up a little and Ellie felt her hand begin to shake. </span>
    <span>What the hell was wrong with her? </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Even as she struggled to regain her composure, Ellie couldn’t bring herself to look away. And if she wasn’t quite mistaken, Ellie was almost positive that she had seen something in Dina’s eyes that she had never noticed before. A kind of warm affection that seemed to be saying something to Ellie that she couldn’t quite make out. As if she knew what Ellie was thinking, Dina gave a sly smile and leaned away from the flame, signalling to Ellie with a wave of her hand that she had lit the joint successfully. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ellie extinguished the lighter, but continued watching Dina’s face as her friend closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. Dina looked so beautiful in that moment that it made Ellie’s heart ache. Her dark hair was drying now and her freckled face was framed by stray curls. Ellie wanted so badly to run her fingers through those curls and bury her face in Dina’s neck. She wondered what Dina would say if Ellie just went for it, but Ellie knew that she would never have the guts.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The friendship between the two girls was...complicated. Ellie was almost sure that Dina had no idea how she felt, and Ellie worked hard to keep it that way. She didn’t want things to be awkward between them and she never wanted to make Dina feel uncomfortable, so she just hid her feelings and confided only in her journal. Dina’s natural flirtatiousness made this difficult, though, and Ellie sometimes struggled with knowing how to behave around her friend.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>When Dina would squeeze her hand while they watched one of Joel’s horror movies, Ellie wasn’t sure if she could return the squeeze without making things weird. Dina wasn’t shy about her body and never hesitated to pull her shirt off mid-conversation if she needed to change; when this happened, Ellie would quickly avert her eyes so that she wouldn’t be tempted to admire Dina’s athletic frame. When Dina noticed that Ellie had looked away, she would tease her in a way that Ellie wasn’t sure how to respond to without being obvious about why she was so uncomfortable. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Occasionally, when she’d had a lot to drink, Dina would flirt with Ellie so brazenly that it made Ellie feel uncomfortable if Jesse was around. Then when Jesse wasn’t around, it made Ellie feel even worse because she felt like she was betraying his trust. Usually, Ellie could tell that Dina was kidding, but sometimes Dina would sound so serious that Ellie would let herself hope a little bit that maybe Dina felt the same way she did.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>They had never, ever talked about it, and Ellie hoped very much that they never, ever would. She felt like such a cliché: the lesbian chick falling for her straight best friend who was practically married to her other best friend. It was pathetic and Ellie hated to feel pathetic. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Despite feeling guilty for liking Dina so much when she was already dating Jesse, Ellie appreciated the fact that her two closest friends hadn’t ditched her when they’d gotten together. Still, she felt like she was always just on the outside of their little trio - a perennial third wheel. Ellie knew that this feeling of hers was unfair to her two best friends who had always tried so hard to make Ellie feel included, but she couldn’t help feeling that way.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>She understood that the feeling that she was intruding had little to do with the actual group dynamic and everything to do with the fact that Dina loved Jesse and the knowledge that Jesse got to have all of the parts of Dina that Ellie coveted for herself. Fortunately, they kept the PDA at a minimum around her, but Ellie always felt sick inside when she saw the two of them exhibit even the most innocent affection. More than once, she’d had to fight the urge to punch Jesse when she imagined him putting his rough hands on the girl she wanted more than anything in the world.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ellie remembered the way Dina had looked at Jesse when they first announced to her that they were a couple; Dina had grinned widely and looked at Jesse as if he’d hung the moon. The thing that Ellie could never tell Dina is that not only would </span>
    <span>she</span>
    <span> have hung the moon for her, but that she also would have filled the sky with stars. Thinking about that moment now, she knew that she could love Dina for the rest of her life, if Dina would only let her.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Could Jesse say that? Did he love Dina because of who she was, or had their relationship just fallen into place? Sometimes it made Ellie feel better to convince herself that the two of them had only gotten together because they were “supposed” to as opposite sex best friends. She knew that she was being unfair to Jesse who was a great guy and a great friend, but she couldn’t help but to hate him a little whenever she had to pretend to be happy for them.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>Don’t fuck up your friendship, Ellie.</em>
  </strong>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Hey, El?” Ellie had been staring off into space without even realizing it, and when she looked at her friend she saw that Dina was holding the joint out to her.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ellie accepted it gratefully and took a few puffs and decided to lighten the mood.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Why don't eggs tell jokes?” Ellie paused dramatically, “They'd crack each other up."</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Dina groaned, “Oh God. No more of your jokes, puhleeze. We’ve been having such a nice day.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ellie smiled, relishing Dina’s annoyance, “Why did the egg regret being in an omelet?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Dina sighed, but played along “I don’t know, Ellie. Why?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Triumphantly, Elie threw her arms up and said “Because it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be!</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Oh, Ellie...that one was like, especially bad.” Dina said as she laughed in spite of herself.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yeah...but I made you laugh.” Ellie smiled so widely at her friend that Dina couldn’t help but smile back.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>After a pause, Dina winked and said “Ya know, Red, despite your questionable taste in humor...you’re eggsactly my type.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ellie blushed and took another puff before passing it back, “Ah, fuck off, Dina.” Usually, she could handle Dina’s flirtatiousness, but today felt different somehow.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Dina inhaled deeply and looking directly at Ellie she said, “Ellie, what if I were serious?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ellie laughed then, a strange laugh that she had never heard before. It sounded odd to her own ears. It unsettled her. “But you aren’t, and you’re with Jesse, and you’re straight, so why are we even talking about this?” Ellie sounded more defensive than she meant to.  </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Dina raised an eyebrow and tilted her head, “What makes you think that I’m straight? I don’t think I ever said that, did I?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ellie turned and looked at Dina searchingly, as if she were trying to find the answers written on Dina’s skin. The expression on Dina's face was open and serene, but it betrayed absolutely nothing about what she was thinking.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“No, I guess you didn’t,” Ellie conceded, and she hesitated before continuing, “Is there something you wanna tell me?” She was pretty sure that Dina was straight. Aside from her bouts of flirtatiousness, Dina had never given any indication that she had even a passing interest in women. But what if...</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Dina stared back at Ellie for a moment, and then said simply “Nope. It’s just...you shouldn’t assume, you know.” Dina looked a little flustered, but she managed to keep her tone even and casual.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>And for the first time ever, Ellie suspected that her best friend, the most brutally honest person she’d ever met, had just lied to her. Not even wanting to hope that her suspicions could be correct, Ellie nodded and looked at Dina “Okay.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>When Ellie thought back to that day, it made her smile. Back then, it seemed impossible that Dina could ever feel the same way Ellie felt. Impossible to think that Dina could want Ellie just as badly as Ellie wanted her. Nothing had fundamentally changed between the two after the day at the river, and Ellie had eventually convinced herself that she’d imagined her feeling that Dina had been trying to tell her something, but had been unable to say it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie wished that she could go back to that day and kiss Dina then. It would have been just the two of them, alone in nature, and it would have been a hell of a lot more romantic than kissing in a room full of people. Ellie had loved their first kiss and she had been waiting for it for years, but the wonderful afterglow of it had been sullied by Seth being an ass and then she in turn had been an ass to Joel when he had defended her. And then Joel had died, leading Ellie and Dina to spend their first weeks as a couple on a revenge mission that had ultimately cost Ellie everything. If only they had started sooner, then the beginning of their relationship wouldn’t have been interrupted by Joel’s death and they would have had time to be silly teenagers in love. Relatively carefree and simple.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She wondered what Dina was doing right at that moment. She wondered if memories of the two of them made Dina happy or if she preferred to push them out of her mind altogether. She wondered just how badly she had hurt Dina. She wondered if she could ever be forgiven.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>With a sigh, she changed directions and headed to Dina’s new place near Jesse’s parents, where Maria had told her Dina had gone after leaving the farm. Would Dina want to see her? She wasn’t sure, but she knew that she didn’t want Dina to see her this way: bruised, emaciated, and incomplete. She stopped before rounding the corner to Dina’s street and stared absently at her injured hand, fighting the urge to just go home. She stood there for a moment, sighed, and then continued walking. She suddenly needed desperately to see Dina with her own eyes, but she also wanted to avoid ever having to confront just how badly she had fucked things up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They’d had a good thing going, Ellie, Dina, and Potato. They’d had a safe home and a comfortable life until Ellie had sabotaged it. Ellie should have been happy, but the thing that she hadn’t been able to admit to herself back then was that there could never be enough room in that house for the three of them, plus Ellie’s demons. Her PTSD had loomed large over their lives, casting its shadow over everything good and beautiful that was left in her life. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Dina would come up to hold Ellie from behind, Ellie would nearly jump out of her skin and it would take a moment before she could settle into Dina’s warm embrace. Eventually, Dina had stopped doing it altogether and that had broken Ellie’s heart. Ellie had understood why, but it served as just one more reminder that Ellie couldn’t even be normal enough to accept affection from the person she loved most in this world.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She was so haunted by nightmares that she rarely ever got to both fall asleep and wake up with Dina. Instead, she’d lay in bed for hours, dozing in and out, before ultimately giving up to go into her art room where she’d be all night until it was time to wake Dina and JJ to start the day.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She still loved Dina madly and she knew that she always would, until her very last breath. She was confident in that fact, but she wasn’t sure if that could ever be enough. Love hadn’t been enough to heal everything that was broken in Ellie and it hadn’t been enough to keep her at the farm with her family. Ellie wondered if she would ever be truly capable of giving herself to anyone or if she would always belong first to her past.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Ellie arrived at Dina’s house, she realized that she had gotten there before Dina had made it back home from work, and she was glad that she had a bit more time to gather herself. The little two story house was, for lack of a better word, cute. The wood siding was painted a pale blue, the door was bright red, and the porch spanned the entire length of the front of the house. In typical Dina fashion there were wooden wind chimes and cheery plants, there was a suspended porch swing that was swaying gently in the breeze, and through the windows Ellie could see checkered curtains looked to have been made by Dina herself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The blue paint had been applied recently and Ellie could easily envision a barefoot Dina covered in blue streaks of paint with a brush in hand. Ellie figured that JJ must be walking by now and imagined him toddling around this very porch, trying to touch the wet paint and giggling madly when Dina scooped him up to stop him. If Ellie had been there, she would have blown raspberries on his round tummy, she would have swiped at Dina’s cheek with her own paintbrush, she would have been the luckiest woman in the world.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie wasn’t sure how long she had been waiting, but sitting there on the porch swing, she was beginning to feel antsy. Drumming her fingers against her thighs, Ellie stared out at the street and noticed that autumn was fast approaching. When she and Joel had first arrived in Jackson, Ellie had been enamored by the way Jackson looked and felt in the autumn. There were so many people and activities happening that it reminded her of the way Halloween looked in the old movies she’d seen. Sighing deeply, Ellie longed for those nights spent warm around the bonfire drinking spiked cider with Dina, Jesse, and Joel. She craved the past.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then, as if Ellie had summoned her, there she was. From Ellie’s vantage point she could see Dina by craning her neck slightly, but Dina’s view of Ellie was obscured. That first sight of Dina stole her breath away. Dina’s hair was pulled back in a loose bun, but her face was framed by stray curls and the slight hunch in her shoulders told Ellie that she was tired. Even from this distance Ellie could see that Dina had lost some weight and no longer had her familiar athletic frame. Oh, but she was still so very beautiful. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freezing, Dina first saw Ellie as she reached the bottom step of the porch, and although she thought her legs might give out beneath her, Ellie managed to stand and take a couple of steps toward her. Dina hesitated for a moment at the bottom of the stairs and looked as though she were seriously considering just walking away. Instead, Dina climbed the stairs slowly as though she wanted to delay their meeting for as long as she possibly could. When they were finally standing face to face, Dina said just one word: “Ellie.” Her voice sounded so sorrowful that it made Ellie’s own heart hurt.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dina stepped closer to Ellie and stared deep into those green eyes as though she were trying to find something that she had lost within them. Seeing Dina up close after so much time apart was maddening, and she had to remind herself to breathe as she stared back into Dina’s eyes. Dina was just as lovely as Ellie remembered her: tan, with a constellation of freckles spread across her nose and cheeks, and lips that looked as soft and full as they were in Ellie’s dreams. Her face was thinner now and her collarbones were more prominent under her shirt, but she was still just so fucking beautiful.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ellie,” she said it again, but this time Ellie detected the slightest note of warmth in Dina’s voice. That warmth reminded Ellie of the way Dina had said her name just before they had kissed for the first time. Dina had looked so open and inviting then, and Ellie wondered if Dina would ever look at her that way again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>With visibly shaking hands, Dina reached out to touch Ellie’s face and wordlessly traced the bridge of her nose, the summit of her cheekbones, and her trembling lips. Before she could stop herself, Ellie reached up and gently covered Dina’s hands with her own without even trying to conceal her injury from this woman who had last seen Ellie when she was whole. The feeling of Dina’s skin on hers flooded Ellie with a love that was so complete, that for the first time in nearly two years, Ellie didn’t feel that she was in any way deficient. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then, as abruptly as she had appeared, Dina stepped back from Ellie and walked into the pale blue house, closing and locking the door behind her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It hurt, but Ellie felt it only fair that Dina get to walk away from her for once. And so she stood staring at the door, running her fingers over her own face where Dina’s hands had just been, trying to convince herself that she hadn’t imagined the whole thing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She had played out how their first conversation might go a million times while she was fighting her way back to Jackson, injured and exhausted. She knew Dina so well that she could almost hear Dina's voice questioning her, trying to find a way to make sense of Ellie's choice to walk away. She could imagine the hurt and anger in Dina's voice, and it broke her heart.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Did you miss me?</span>
  </em>

  <em>
    <span><b>Every single minute of every single day.</b></span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Did you think of me?</span>
  </em>

  <em>
    <span><b>Always.</b></span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Do you love me?</span>
  </em>

  <em>
    <span><b>Forever.</b></span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>How could you leave?</span>
  </em>

  <em>
    <span><b>Because I couldn’t stay.</b></span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Was it worth it? </span>
  </em>

  <em>
    <span><b>No.</b></span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>On her journey back, Ellie had feared that she would die without ever having that conversation with Dina, and that Dina would go to her own grave never knowing why Ellie had walked out on her. Through all of the times she had imagined that first conversation, she never once considered the possibility that she would make it all the way back only for Dina to walk away from her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She nodded to herself accepting that yes, this was all her fault and she deserved nothing better and had been stupid to hope for anything more. Ellie turned away and jammed her hands into her pockets, sighed heavily, and walked slowly toward the porch steps. She had been foolish to come here and she resolved to herself that she would never bother Dina again. She had wanted to see her and she had done so, and now, she needed to allow Dina to move on. She loved Dina so much that she wanted that for her. She just wanted her to be happy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But before she could place her foot on the top step, she heard the click of the big, red door unlocking behind her and turned to see that it now stood slightly ajar. Ellie felt a lump form in her throat and stood there for a moment, trying to regain her composure. When she felt that she had control of herself, she wiped her eyes, and then as if accepting an invitation, she followed Dina inside.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I wasn't intending to end this on a cliffhanger of sorts, but it ended up being a lot longer than I anticipated. The next chapter should be up in a day or so.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Just You and Me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The one where Ellie and Dina reunite for the first time. Told primarily through flashbacks.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The interior of Dina’s house was just as bright and cheerful as the exterior. There were splashes of color everywhere, smiling faces in photos beaming down from nearly every wall, and a vase of enthusiastic sunflowers on the kitchen table between the two women. It dawns on Ellie that she feels at home even though she’s never stepped foot in this house before just because the atmosphere is so completely Dina.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sitting there together in silence was awkward and it occurred to Ellie that this was probably the first time she had ever felt uncomfortable in Dina’s presence. Feeling Dina’s eyes on her she glanced up from her hands to meet Dina’s gaze and saw white-hot anger there. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Jesus, this is bad.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Neither of them spoke for several minutes after Dina had poured them both glasses of water and invited Ellie to sit at the table. God, that was just so Dina. Even when things were </span>
  <em>
    <span>this </span>
  </em>
  <span>bad, she was always so damn accommodating. It broke Ellie’s heart. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Finally Dina spoke, and Ellie was grateful for an end to the silence, “I was wondering when you’d come.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie stared down at the glass in her hands, “I should have come the first day.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just should have.” Ellie wasn’t sure where this was going, but she knew it wouldn’t be pleasant.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, Ellie. You should have never fucking left in the first place.” And there it was. Ellie had never heard Dina sound so...hateful. It stung.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Recoiling as if she’d been slapped, Ellie nodded slowly, accepting the hurt. She deserved it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Christ, I fucking thought you were </span>
  <em>
    <span>dead, </span>
  </em>
  <span>Ellie. I thought you were never coming back and that I’d never know what happened to you.” Dina’s voice was louder now, “I thought you were rotting on the side of the road somewhere, torn apart by a horde of infected. And you let me believe that for months because you </span>
  <em>
    <span>left</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dina…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>To Ellie’s surprise, Dina just stared at her, waiting for her to continue. Usually when Dina was this mad you just had to ride it out until she was ready to let you defend yourself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dina, I fucked up. I know I did. I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry. I figure I owe you that much at least.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You owe me…” Dina looked down at her hands, “Ellie, do you have any idea what you put me through?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie stared at her with those green eyes that Dina had fallen so in love with all those years ago. They’d been just kids then, and everything had seemed so easy and hopeful.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know how badly I must have hurt you and I’m so fucking sorry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dina snorted, “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Hurt </span>
  </em>
  <span>me? You really don’t get it do you?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I don’t, Dina,” Ellie hesitated, “But if you want to, I’d like you to tell me about it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>In the hours after Ellie left, Dina sat alone on the porch staring out at the sunrise as it rose over the wheat field. It hurt to remember how much fun they’d had as they planted it together. Back in Jackson, Ellie had always hated farming rotation, but Dina was pleased to see that Ellie had retained much of what she’d learned and that Ellie didn’t seem to mind the work. Dina had been extremely pregnant with JJ when they began planting and she hadn’t been able to help as much as she would have liked. Thankfully, Ellie had picked up the slack without complaining. Ellie never complained about hard work and she never complained about anything that made Dina happy.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Dina could recall how hopeful she had been for their future and for this little haven they were crafting for their family. Dina dared to hope that it would be like this always: Dina, Ellie, and the baby who Ellie affectionately referred to as her “Potato”.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>She’d been awed when Ellie had told her that she wanted to raise JJ and be his other mom. Back in Seattle she had hoped that Ellie would stay with her, but she would have understood if Ellie had chosen to leave. They would be just twenty years old when JJ arrived and it was a lot to ask of anyone, and so she hadn’t asked. Then in a way that was uniquely Ellie, she had been so enthusiastic when she couldn’t wait to see this baby grow up and how excited she was to teach him everything she knew. Dina loved how Ellie had said it as though it was a given; as though she’d never considered that it could be any other way.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Dina had loved building this life with Ellie, and although living on a farm had always been her dream, she was excited to share it with Ellie who needed a place where she could finally settle and be at peace. A place where Ellie could find purpose in being their protector. A place where they could work hard all day, raise their son, and stay up all night making love. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>She had been so fucking naïve.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Dina sat waiting there on the porch from the moment Ellie had left, until she heard JJ beginning to cry upstairs. Foolishly, she’d hoped that maybe Ellie would change her mind and turn back before she even made it out of Jackson County. She should have known better. Ellie Williams never changed her mind.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>—</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>On the fourth day, Dina had her first breakdown. She was in the living room sorting laundry while JJ laid on his stomach near her feet. Usually, Ellie would play guitar for them while JJ did his tummy time so that Dina could get some chores done. With Ellie gone, Dina decided that it was best to stick to their routine as much as possible. It was good for JJ to have his routine, and it made Dina feel closer to Ellie. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>She tried not to think of Ellie because it filled her with anxiety and dread. Ellie could be anywhere, she could be in trouble, she could be…</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>No, Dina wouldn’t let her mind go there. Ellie was the toughest person she’d ever known, the fiercest fighter, and if anyone could survive a solo trek across the country Dina knew it was that woman. That woman she loved so very much.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>She came across a dark green flannel shirt, the one Ellie had been wearing on the night they’d first kissed. Bringing it close to her face, she breathed deeply and was transported back to that moment. How green Ellie’s eyes were against this flannel, how the lights twinkled around them, the twangy banjo, and then, finally, Ellie’s lips on hers.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Holding that shirt to her face, Dina cried so hard that she could feel wet spots with her fingers in the places where her tears had soaked through the shirt. She wondered if it’s true that a person could die of a broken heart.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>—</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>On the sixth day, Dina begins to put all of the photos of Ellie in a drawer because it hurts too much to see that smiling face and without knowing if she’s even alive. One photo stands out to her as she moves to hide it away: it’s Jesse, Dina, and Ellie, all smiling brightly up at her with their arms around one another. She missed both of them so much. Her two best friends, the only two people she had ever been in love with. She didn’t think that she’d ever be able to love anyone else. This photo had been taken just weeks before she had broken up with Jesse. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Bitterly, she let her mind wander to what life would have been like if she had chosen Jesse. Jesse would have never left her. He would have never left her and their child, and he would have taken care of them for the rest of their lives. He would have kept all of the promises that Ellie had broken. But then, a life without having ever known what it was to love and be loved by Ellie Williams would have been so...hollow. It was unfathomable.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Dina and Jesse had been sitting alone in the park when she’d told him that it was over. Dina cried in his arms, sobbing even harder than Jesse was, even though he was the one getting dumped. It broke her heart to have to break his. Jesse had always been so good to her and never tried to hold her back from what she wanted to do. She couldn’t bring herself to tell him the reason why, and so she’d just apologized over and over. But in a way that was so typical of him, Jesse had known why without her ever needing to say it. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“It’s okay.” He said, squeezing her tightly, “Dina...I think she loves you, too.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Dina froze against his chest with those strong arms still around her, her mind racing. Had she been that obvious? Had she been careless? Did Ellie know?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“What..?” She’d said shakily, choking back another sob.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Dina, I know that you’re in love with her. I’ve known it for a long time and I just want the two of you to be happy.” Jesse was crying now.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Guilt and shame rushed through her, “Jesse...Jesse, I’m so sorry. I didn’t do it on purpose…” She didn’t say what “it” was, but they both knew that she was talking about how she’d never meant to fall in love with Ellie but had been helpless to stop it once it had started. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Jesse, being the incredibly loyal friend that he was, tearfully gave them his blessing.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>—</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>On the tenth day, Dina decides that they’re moving back to Jackson. She begins packing, having breakdowns every few minutes it seems. She cries as she dismantles the life they’d built together: making arrangements to relocate the animals, packing her stuff and JJ’s, and boxing Ellie’s things to move them into her art room.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Looking idly through Ellie’s record collection as she boxes them up, one catches her eye: “Beelzebubba” by The Dead Milkmen. She traces the green grass that graces the album cover; it reminds her of Ellie’s eyes. Dina had never liked this album much, but she’d loved it when Ellie sang “Punk Rock Girl” to her, even though she wasn’t sure what “punk rock” meant. Ellie had tried to explain it to her once, but gave up when she saw the glazed expression on Dina’s face.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>When Ellie sang this song to her, she’d sing it nice and sweet as they laid in bed with their arms around each other. “One Saturday, I took a walk to Zipperhead. I met a girl there, and she almost knocked me dead…Please look at me. What do you see? Let’s travel ‘round the world, just you and me, punk rock girl.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Dina remembered the first time they met: Maria had brought Ellie over to introduce her to Dina and Jesse. Ellie had been polite, but not exactly friendly, and Dina was only able to actually make eye contact with her when they shook hands. Those eyes were electric and soulful, and something in them seemed to be calling out to her. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Later that day, still thinking of Ellie’s eyes, she told Jesse that she had never seen that shade of green anywhere before. Jesse just laughed at her and asked if he had some competition. Flushing red, Dina had sputtered a denial. She and Jesse weren’t together, but she knew that there was something more between them just waiting to bloom. Elbowing her a little, Jesse said “Riiiight, well, she seems like a tough nut to crack, anyway.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Dina couldn’t have known it then, but she would go to her grave without ever seeing that shade of green anywhere else.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>—</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>On the twenty-seventh day, Dina sat on the porch with JJ on her lap, waiting for Robin and Jerry to arrive. She didn’t have parents of her own, and the fact that Jesse’s parents were so willing to help her move back to Jackson meant the world to her. She was lucky and she knew it. Mentally, she said a quick “thank you” to Jesse who was gone, but who had left her with a beautiful baby to raise, his blessing to be with Ellie, and his parents who were so loving and welcoming to her.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The porch was filled with boxes of their clothes, JJ’s toys, and other essentials that were to be moved to Jackson immediately. Robin and Jerry had been kind enough to offer to load their car up with as much as they could carry and then take JJ to their house so that Dina could stay at the farm for another few more days and finish packing. She figured that she’d be able to work through the night and finish up in half of the time it would take her to do it with JJ here.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>When they’d been waiting for a while, JJ started to fuss a little. Dina rubbed his chest to soothe him, pressing a kiss to the top of JJ’s head. She felt a rush of relief that JJ would soon be with his grandparents and then immediately felt guilty for thinking that. As JJ cried, Dina thought of the way that Ellie had always been able to calm him when he was upset. She would sing to him and tell some of her horrible jokes, and somehow JJ would laugh even though he couldn’t understand a word of it.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The memory brought a small smile to her lips, and she squeezed JJ tighter because she couldn’t hold Ellie. It amazed Dina that JJ could remind her so much of her girlfriend even though none of Ellie’s DNA was in their baby. She had been in love with Ellie for years by the time JJ was born, but seeing the way Ellie loved their son had made Dina fall even harder than she thought she could. No, Ellie hadn’t been part of creating JJ, but she had poured so much into raising him that he was totally hers.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I know, buddy. I miss mama, too.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>—</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>On the thirtieth day, Dina rushes around the farm making sure that she has finished everything she needs to do to finalize the move. JJ and his grandparents were set to arrive within the hour to pick her up with the rest of their things and Dina hoped that she would never have to come back to the place. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Dina decides to do a methodical walkthrough of the house, making sure that she hasn’t forgotten anything that she wants to take. The entire downstairs is nearly barren, save for the furniture that Dina has decided to leave behind. It hurts to be in this house that had been filled with love just weeks ago. Climbing the stairs, Dina ran her fingers along the bannister that Ellie had beautifully restored, demonstrating for Dina all of the woodworking skills Joel had passed on to her.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>At the top of the stairs she finds herself in front of Ellie’s art room. The door had been closed tight since the last time Dina ventured in to put away some of Ellie’s things and she’d promised herself that she would never come back. She hesitates for a moment longer before backing away and heading to their bedroom.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>This room is the worst for her. She hasn’t slept here in weeks because it feels so empty without Ellie. She had instead been sleeping on the couch downstairs with JJ’s crib next to her. Alone in their room she allows herself to think of Ellie for the first time in days. She prays that Ellie is...</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>”Alive”, she whispers the word aloud and startles herself with the truth. She prays that Ellie is safe and unharmed. She worries that if Ellie returns...when Ellie returns, that she’ll be exhausted and afraid. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Feeling a bit silly, Dina places clean sheets on the bed just in case Ellie ever does come back and needs a place to rest. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Staring down at their bed, Dina recalls the last time they’d made love. It had been just a few days before Ellie left, while JJ was with his grandparents over the weekend. Dina was grateful that Robin and Jerry were so willing to do this for them, so that she and Ellie could have a few days a month to be alone. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>That last time had been perfect. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It gave her chills now to recall the warmth of Ellie’s mouth on her and the feeling of her fingers tangled up in Ellie’s hair. The house had been completely quiet that morning except for her own moans and the muted sounds of Ellie’s mouth working between her thighs.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>She gave Ellie’s hair a gentle tug and gasped “Ellie?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Hmm?” Ellie looked up at her seductively, but she didn’t move her mouth away, which was a good thing because Dina was so close... </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Ellie, I love you so much”, she panted just as Ellie’s tongue found the spot that always made Dina’s toes curl. Dina couldn’t figure out how after all this time, Ellie could still drive her crazy like this. She couldn’t understand the complete control Ellie seemed to have over Dina’s body as if it had been made for her. Maybe it had.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Much to Dina’s frustration, Ellie turned her face to leave a trail of kisses along Dina’s inner thigh. Ellie stopped long enough to look Dina directly in the eye when she said “I love you back.” Dina’s heart fluttered in her chest much the way it had when Ellie had said it to her for the first time.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ellie always said it that way, “I love you back.” Rarely ever “I love you, too”. Dina had asked why once, and Ellie had just laughed and said “I dunno, ‘I love you back’ sounds more...reciprocal.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Later, when they sat in bed eating the breakfast that Dina had prepared for them, Ellie set her fork down and turned to look at Dina. Slivers of morning sunshine shone on Ellie’s bare chest and face. She was breathtaking with her hair loose around her face as she laid on her side and propped her head up on one fist.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>In a small voice Ellie murmured her name, “Dina?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Noticing Ellie’s sudden shyness, Dina rolled onto her side to watch Ellie’s face, “Yeah, babe?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The tips of Ellie’s ears were tinged slightly red, but her voice was strong and serious, “I’m just so fucking in love with you, Dina. I always have been and I always will be...”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Dina ran her fingers along Ellie’s jawline and kissed her neck softly, “I know, baby. And I love you.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ellie sighed contentedly at the touch of Dina’s lips, but sounded frustrated with herself when she spoke again, struggling to get the words right, “No, I mean...this life, with you and JJ. It’s so good that sometimes...I can’t believe it’s actually mine.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Dina smiled against Ellie’s neck and kissed it again as Ellie finished, “I guess what I’m trying to say is that I hope it stays just like this forever.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ellie covered Dina’s hand with her own, and they were quiet for a moment, gazing into each other’s eyes with their fingers tangled together. Dina’s heart felt so full that she thought it would burst. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Is it because I’m so good in bed?” Dina quipped, and they laughed together. Dina loved that they could always laugh, even when they were naked, sweaty, and vulnerable like this. No one had ever made her laugh harder or more often than Ellie could.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Stroking the side of Ellie’s face, Dina looked into her eyes and said, “I will love you for the rest of my life, Red.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Always?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Always.” She pressed a kiss to the corner of Ellie’s mouth, enjoying the sound of Ellie’s quick inhale when she grazed Ellie’s bottom lip with her teeth.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Dina?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Mmm, yeah babe?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Fuck me?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I thought you’d never ask.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>— </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>A month after her return to Jackson, she makes one final trip back to the farm to grab the few nonessential items that she’d left behind because there’d been no room in Robin’s car.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>This time, she does go into Ellie’s art room. She thought she had prepared herself, but it hurt worse than she expected it to. The room smells like Ellie, all of her art and belongings scream out for her. Paintbrushes and charcoals that had once seemed so alive in Ellie’s hands lay still and abandoned. These four walls, filled with all of Ellie’s worldly possessions felt as lifeless and haunted as any tomb.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>She plucks the strings of Ellie’s guitar and remembers a day so long ago when she had gazed at Ellie when she played “Take On Me” in an abandoned music store. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You should have kissed me then.” Even though she had still been with Jesse.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I wanted to.” Even though Ellie hadn’t known then how Dina felt about her.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>That day felt like a lifetime ago.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>When Dina’s eyes land on the portraits that sit clustered together on a table she hesitates in front of them, rubbing her fingers over the canvas just because she knows that Ellie had once touched those very spots. Flipping through the she finds so many of her, JJ, and the three of them together. Picking up one canvas she finds herself staring at her own face that Ellie had so lovingly drawn with charcoal. She chuckled softly as she recalled how Ellie had made her sit for hours while she worked on it. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Feigning annoyance, Dina had said “What, you seriously don’t know what I look like by now?” She loved to tease Ellie about making her sit for portraits, but she actually loved the intimacy of these moments where Ellie would gaze at her with such focus while her hands moved swiftly on the canvas.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>With a wink Ellie quipped, “Maybe I just want an excuse to stare at you.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You don’t need an excuse, babe.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Smiling a little, Ellie glances up and mouths “I love you”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Dina’s heart melts at those words and it takes everything in her to hold back from crossing the room and pulling Ellie into her arms. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I love you more.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>And didn’t she love Ellie more? She had stayed when things got rough and Ellie had chosen to leave. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Dina stared at the portrait for a long time and then as if possessed, she picked it up and walked away.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie didn’t notice that she was crying until she saw a tear splash onto the table in front of her. Wiping at her eyes, Ellie cleared her throat and said “Dina, I’m -“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ellie. I swear to God that if you apologize one more time, I’ll scream.” She ran her fingers through her hair, “You don’t get to break my heart, disappear, and then show up on my porch and just say that you’re sorry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie nods slowly, “Okay.” She looks at Dina’s face and finds a vacant expression there. She knows Dina well enough to know that she should leave, so she stands up slowly and moves to exit the kitchen. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Before she can stop herself she pauses in the doorway and looks back, “Dina, can I…” Ellie hesitates, unsure of herself, “Will you tell me how JJ is?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dina’s expression is tense, but she softens a little, “He’s great. He talks a bit now, and pulled himself up the other day, but he hasn’t taken any steps yet.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie smiles sadly, “I’ve missed so much. His birthday is coming up in just a couple of months...” Her voice trails off as regret crashes over her in waves. She wonders if she’ll ever see JJ again and if he would even remember her. She’d been raising an actual child before she left for California. Ellie had been there to witness him take his very first breath and now they were strangers. Five months ago, this had been her family, and now she was just an outsider. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ellie…” Dina sounds tired, “Ellie, was it worth it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Leaning against the doorway, Ellie clenches her fists and sighs, “No.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dina looks away, and Ellie knows that she’s been dismissed.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Handle With Care</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The one where Tommy and Ellie get drunk.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Fuck, that was brutal.” Ellie muttered to herself as she sat on a stool in the Tipsy Bison waiting for the bartender to come take her order. She had intended to go straight home after seeing Dina, but after that debacle, she decided that she needed a drink.</p><p>Sitting in the Bison unsettles her. The sun has set and people are beginning to crowd into the bar as they finish their work for the day. It’s been more than a year since she’s had a drink here, and aside from coming by to see Maria in her office here a few times since the move to the farm, she’s hardly visited this place at all. It’s loud. </p><p>There’s loud music playing through the jukebox and everyone else is shouting to be heard over it. There are scraping chairs, clinking glasses, and a seemingly endless parade of people bumping into her as they pass by.</p><p>She can feel people staring at her from every direction and it makes her skin itch. She knows that people must be curious to get a good look at her after she’s been gone for so long, but it makes her anxious to be so conspicuous. Outside of Jackson’s walls, the ability to blend in and hide can quickly become a matter of life and death if you come across a group of hunters or a horde of infected. </p><p>Ellie knows that she isn’t outside of Jackson’s walls anymore, and that sitting in a bar waiting for a drink after a shitty day is just about the most normal thing a person can do. She doesn’t feel normal, though. She can’t remember the last time she ate or when she last slept through a night. Loud noises still make her jump and she frequently devolves into full-blown panic attacks at inopportune moments.</p><p>Her hands shake in her lap and a sheen of cold sweat breaks out on her forehead every time she hears the door open to usher in a new crowd of people.There are just so many fucking people. She could remember a time when the population of Jackson had seemed small compared to all of the kids she was surrounded by back in the Boston QZ. Now, it feels oppressive.</p><p>Fucking finally, the bartender walks over to take her order. Ellie has never seen this girl before and figures that she must be a relatively new arrival here in Jackson. The girl appears to be around Ellie’s own age and wears a warm smile. She has a tangle of curly hair tied back in a messy bun, almond colored skin, and an athletic build. She’s wearing a nametag that reads “Hi, I’m Tawny! :)” and there is something about the enthusiasm emanating from the nametag is kind of endearing.</p><p>“What’ll you have?” Tawny says in a raised voice so that Ellie can hear her over the din of the crowd.</p><p>“Uhh,” why hadn’t Ellie thought about what she actually wanted to drink while she was waiting? “I guess I’ll have a whiskey neat.” She doesn’t like whiskey much, but she wants to get drunk quickly so she can get the fuck out of this place.</p><p>“Comin’ right up!” Tawny says with a cheerful wink as she saunters away.</p><p>Tawny is cute, and it crosses Ellie’s mind that this was probably how things worked in the old world: you’d drive to a bar after work and flirt with the hot bartender and leave your phone number on a cocktail napkin. Then she would call you later and you’d meet up for a drink somewhere else and then she would take you back to her place.</p><p>Ellie used to tell Joel that things had been so easy in his time before Outbreak Day. People worried about taxes, school crushes, and promotions. But Ellie had been born into a world filled with such decay and despair that you had to watch your back every moment for fear that someone would put a knife in it. Ellie felt confident in her ability to take care of herself, but still, it would be so nice for things to just be easy.</p><p>Tawny sets the glass down in front of Ellie and leans over the bar so they can hear each other, “Three dollars please.”</p><p>Ellie’s stomach sank as she realized that she doesn’t have any money with her. The currency they use in Jackson is only good within its walls, so she hadn’t carried any of it with her for nearly two years. She was due to get paid the following Friday after she started her new assignment, but she was flat broke now. She didn’t even have anything with her to trade.</p><p>“Fuck…” Ellie flushed a little and then said “I just got back to Jackson and I don’t have any cash on me. If you’ll start a tab for me I’ll come here as soon as I get paid on Friday.”</p><p>Tawny eyed her suspiciously, “I’ve never seen you before.”</p><p>Struggling to keep any hint of annoyance out of her voice Ellie said, “My name is Ellie Williams, but sometimes people call me Ellie Miller. I kind of grew up here and I’m kind of like Maria’s niece...sort of.” She finished lamely.</p><p>Tawny raised an eyebrow, “Hmm, okay, Ellie Williams-Sometimes-Miller, how do I know that you’re telling the truth?” </p><p>Ellie wasn’t sure if she was imagining it, but she thought that this girl might just be flirting with her. That made her feel...weird.</p><p>“Uh, I guess you don’t. Or you could ask literally anyone here and they’d tell you the same.” Ellie shrugged. She could tell that Tawny wanted her to play along, but she wasn’t in the mood for it. She just wanted her fucking drink.</p><p>Tawny stared at her for a moment and then said, “Okay, here’s your whiskey,” she released her hold on the glass and pushed it toward Ellie, “How about I buy this drink for you and someday, you can buy one for me?”</p><p>Ellie smiled a little at this girl’s brazen flirtatiousness and decided that she liked her. “Yeah, okay. Sounds good.” She wished she had the words to tell this girl that there was someone else. That there always would be.</p><p>“I’m Tawny, by the way.” She held out a hand.</p><p>Ellie reached out to grip it, “Yeah, I know. Your uh, shirt told me.” Tawny’s hand was warm and soft in her own and for the first time in a long while, it felt good to have physical contact with another person. </p><p>Tawny looked down at her nametag and smiled, “Oh, duh. Well, Ellie Williams-Sometimes-Miller, it was good meeting you and I hope to see you around. Especially since you owe me that drink.” </p><p>What the hell was that? Ellie thought to herself as she took her first sip. Her nerves begin to settle almost instantly as the first trace of smoke hits the back of her throat.</p><p>She’d only had a few sips of her drink when she heard a gruff voice call her name, “Ellie!”</p><p>Fuck. She knew that voice. She would recognize that Texas drawl anywhere.</p><p>“Hey, Kid!” And suddenly Tommy’s arms were around her, lifting her off of her stool.</p><p>“Lemme look at ya!” He was drunk. “You look good, kid!” Okay, he must be really drunk, because Ellie knew that she didn’t look good by any stretch of the imagination.</p><p>“Ellie, this guy bothering you?” Tawny says with a sly smile, “I can have him thrown out!”</p><p>Tommy laughed heartily, “Tawny, another round for me and whatever my niece here is havin!”</p><p>Tawny raised her eyebrows in mock surprise, “Oh, so you really do know Maria, huh?” She walks away to get their drinks before Ellie can answer.</p><p>“I saw her eyein’ you when I was over there.” Tommy says as he gestures to the opposite end of the room with his thumb. He says this much louder than Ellie would have liked, but she lets it go.</p><p>She doesn’t say anything, but she looks warily over at Tommy as he plops down onto a stool next to her. </p><p>“You could do worse, ya know. She’s a nice kid. Pretty new around here, but she’s alright.”</p><p>“I’m not trying to ‘do’ anything, Tommy. Or anyone for that matter.” Ellie is surprised to find that she feels offended by his suggestion that there could ever be anyone else for her.</p><p>“Dina told me you two split up.”</p><p>Ellie clenched her jaw tightly, “And did she tell you why that is?” If Tommy could hear the venom in her voice, he didn’t show it.</p><p>Tommy just shrugged and merrily reached out to accept the bottle of whiskey Tawny was holding out to them. “I know you, Tommy. Just take the whole damn bottle. I’m busy tonight and I don’t have time to babysit you.” Tawny handed over the bottle and sauntered away without looking back.</p><p>Ellie was glad for the interruption. She didn’t want to do this with Tommy. Not now.</p><p>“You know, if I didn’t know any better, I’d think you wasn’t exactly thrilled to see me. Is that true?”</p><p>Ellie turned to meet his gaze, “Nah, I’m glad to see you Tommy. I’m just tired is all.”</p><p>He clapped a hand on her back, “Atta girl! So, tell me about California.” He has a greedy look in his eye that unsettles her. She really, really didn’t want to do this now.</p><p>“I...I don’t really wanna talk about it here, Tommy.” Praying that he’d take the hint and drop it.</p><p>He laughed heartily, “You’re right!” Relief flooded through her. “Here,” he said as he picked up her glass and handed it to her, “Let’s get outta here.” Fuck.</p><p>“Tommy! You can’t just walk out of here with our glasses!” Tawny called after them.</p><p>Tommy waved her away over his shoulder as he pushed the door open for Ellie, “Put it on my tab.”</p><p>—</p><p>Tommy suggested that they go to Ellie’s place since it’s close. She reluctantly agreed and allowed him to lead the way so that he can set a comfortable pace, they walk slowly to accommodate Tommy’s injured leg and Ellie is glad for it. The longer it took to get to her place, the more time she had to figure out what to say. Ellie thought of asking Tommy where he was staying because she knew that he and Maria weren’t living together, but she decided that she doesn’t want to sour his mood before they had a chance to discuss California. </p><p>“You seen Dina yet?” Tommy threw his head back and took a long pull from the bottle before passing it to her.</p><p>Ellie accepted it gratefully, “Yeah. Then I headed straight to the Bison from her place.”</p><p>“Oh, how’d it go?”</p><p>She sighed, “Tommy, if she ever talks to me again or lets me see JJ before he’s my age, I’ll be shocked.”</p><p>Tommy laughed a little and reached for the bottle, “I wouldn’t be. She’ll come around.”</p><p>“I’ve never seen her so angry, Tommy.”</p><p>Much to her annoyance, he laughs again “Ellie, I don’t care what that girl says. She loves the hell outta you. That’s why she’s so mad.” He reached out and hit her arm a little harder than she would have liked, “She’ll come around.”</p><p>Ellie sighed, “I hope you’re right.”</p><p>—</p><p>When they arrived at Ellie’s house, she unlocked the door and ushered Tommy inside, watching as he made his way to the couch and clutched his leg when he thought she wasn't looking. She really doesn’t want him to stay long, but she figures that she’ll be able to get him to leave after a drink or two.</p><p>She flipped the light switch and closed the door behind them. The apartment was still mostly empty and after having spent time in Dina’s house, her own place feels even more depressing. She just had the few items from her backpack and some household items that Maria had sent over. Ellie remembered all of Joel’s woodworking tools and made a mental note to find out where they are. If the tools are still around, she should be able to make a few things to give the place some more life.</p><p>It would feel good to work with her hands again after having gone so long without doing anything creative. Her life since she’d left the farm had been totally about survival with little time to do more than create a few quick sketches in her journal and the occasional poem. </p><p>“This place is lookin’ pretty bare, Ellie. You plannin’ to get the rest of yer stuff from the farm?”</p><p>Ellie shrugged, “Yeah, if I decide for sure that I’m staying, I guess I’ll make a trip back there.”</p><p>Tommy looked confused, “Where else is there to go?”</p><p>“I don’t know. I was thinking of maybe traveling around for a while.” She poured some whiskey into her glass, “I’ve done more traveling than most people, and I think I might like to do some more.”</p><p>Tommy whistled “Man, if you ain’t Joel Miller’s kid…” He sounded proud, “He really got into you good, huh?”</p><p>She managed to smile a little, even though it still hurts to hear his name, “Yeah. I guess he did.”</p><p>Tommy looked over at her, “Joel loved the hell out of you, girl.” He ran his fingers through his hair, “He loved you like you was his own. Hell, he probably would have kicked the shit out of anybody who said otherwise.”</p><p>To her embarrassment, Ellie’s eyes filled with tears, “Yeah...I loved him, too. I just wish I’d told him.”</p><p>“He knew it, Ellie.”</p><p>“Tommy, he died thinking I hated him.”</p><p>“Give him more credit than that. That man knew you and he knew you’d find your way back to each other eventually. I mean, you never moved out of his damn backyard even though Maria could have set you up somewhere else.”</p><p>That made her laugh, “I know. I thought about it, but...it just never seemed right somehow.”</p><p>“He was so damn happy that you came to talk to him the night before...he told me he stayed up all night reading some book about space,” Tommy smiled at the memory, “You talking to him made him the happiest I’d seen him since y’all argued.”</p><p>Ellie turned her face away quickly so that Tommy wouldn’t see that the tears were now actually flowing. Fuck, she really hated crying in front of people. Thankfully, Tommy either didn’t  notice or was tactful enough to pretend not to.</p><p>“Ellie when he met you, you brought him back to life in a way he hadn’t been since Sarah.” </p><p>Tommy was really drunk now, she could tell. He always got a little wistful when he was drinking. “You gave me my brother back. I got four more years with the brother I had before the Outbreak. I’m grateful to you for that.”</p><p>She felt guilty then. Would he be grateful to her if he knew that Abby was still alive? She didn’t think so.</p><p>“Tommy...I found Abby.”</p><p>“You did? What happened?” His eagerness for details is worrying.</p><p>She dropped her gaze and stared at the glass of whiskey she held in her lap. How could she even begin to explain it all? </p><p>“When I found her, she and that boy were being held captive by these...fucked up assholes.”</p><p>Tommy raised an eyebrow in a way that reminded her so much of Joel that it encouraged her, “They were kinda like this organized group of hunters, only they were holding people as slaves. They called themselves ‘Rattlers’. I never did find out what the hell their name meant.”</p><p>She trailed off and took a long drink from her glass, feeling grateful when Tommy leaned over to pour some more whiskey into her glass.</p><p>“When I got to California I ran into two of those assholes. They tried to kill me, but I got them to tell me where Abby was being held, and then I killed them.” She sets her jaw, “They deserved it.”</p><p>She glanced over at Tommy and saw that his eyes were trained intently on her face, starving for every detail she would give him. At least she didn’t have to worry that he’d judge her for all of the monstrous shit she’d done.</p><p>“I was hurt pretty badly, bleeding from a wound right here and I’d been bitten by a clicker,” she pointed to her side where she’d been impaled by that tree and then held up her hand to show the new bite mark. </p><p>“I probably should have died, but I was so fucking hell-bent on revenge. I don’t think anything could have stopped me.”</p><p>How surreal to finally say these things aloud. To speak openly about how far she had gone and some of the things she’d done, and to be saying it to the one person who would approve of it all. </p><p>“Anyway, I get to their camp and it’s...it’s fucked up. I killed a few dozen of them and made my way up to the cell where they kept all of their slaves. It was so bad, Tommy. Even after all of that, I was still fucking determined to find Abby.” She closed her eyes, allowing the memory to take over, “I thought I was going to die because I’d lost so much blood, so I figured that I should at least die trying to get her.”</p><p>Tommy was so still and quiet that more than once, she forgot that he was there at all.</p><p>“I made it to the cell and there’s a bunch of people in it, but Abby isn’t one of them. The other prisoners tell me that she’s being held at the pillars by the beach because she’d tried to escape and that she’s probably already dead. I let them go. I’m pretty sure that they finished off any of the Rattlers I didn’t get to first, which is definitely a good thing. Those guys really were assholes...”</p><p>She paused long enough to take another drink, dreading the moment when she’d have to tell Tommy that Abby was still alive when she last saw her.</p><p>“I got down there and a bunch of them were tied to crosses, Tommy. They were literally crucifying people and most of them were long dead. It was so fucked.” She shakes her head at the memory, wishing she could erase it. “Abby and that boy Lev were both there. Abby was…”</p><p>Ellie wished that she could have felt more for all of those brutalized people then, but she’d been so desperate to kill Abby that nothing else mattered at all.</p><p>“She was so thin, Tommy. Maybe a little bit bigger than I am now, but not by much. She was bruised all over, her hair had all been cut off, and the boy was even worse off. I don’t think they’d have lived another hour if I hadn’t gotten to them.”</p><p>The words come more easily now. Maybe it’s the alcohol.</p><p>“I followed them down to the beach where there were two boats. Abby actually told me about the boats, which is a good thing because I don’t think I had enough strength left to walk much further. I think Abby thought I was there to help her, and she was paying me back...she didn’t even ask me why I was there or how I’d found her.” </p><p>She shook her head again and continued, “The boy was so bad off that I still don’t know if he could’ve survived. Abby was about to leave with him, and I told her that she had to fight me. But she just wanted to take the kid and get the fuck away, and I don’t blame her.”</p><p>Ellie drained her glass and set it down at her feet. She was quite drunk now, and she was glad for it. </p><p>“I held a knife up to the boy’s throat and said I’d kill him if she didn’t fight me. The scary thing is that I would have actually done it. I would have actually cut the throat of an unconscious kid if it meant that she would put up enough of a fight that I wouldn’t have to feel like a piece of shit when I killed her.</p><p>Tommy’s face was completely blank, but she noticed that he was now drinking straight from the bottle.</p><p>“We fought for a while. It was the hardest fight I’ve ever had. I was fucking bleeding out and she was hitting me back but she was just trying to get me to leave her alone. She, uh... bit my fingers pretty bad.” She holds up her left hand to show off her injury and he flinches a little.</p><p>“Finally, I got her head under the water. I watched as she struggled. She fought like hell, but I held her there, just watching the life drain from her body. It reminded me a bit of Joel when some asshole tried to drown him during our trip to the Fireflies, actually.” </p><p>That had been the first time she’d killed a living person. She’d tried hard to seem cavalier about it so that Joel would be impressed, but she’d thrown up later when he wasn’t around.</p><p>Ellie closed her eyes tight, steeling herself against Tommy’s rage, “Then, I let her go.”</p><p>“You...you what?”</p><p>“I let her go. I don’t know why I did it, exactly, but I don’t regret it.” She sounded defiant, “She lost just as much as we have and she was so focused on getting the kid out of there. She wasn’t a threat and she’d already spared my life twice. So I let her go.”</p><p>She was afraid to look at Tommy’s face. She didn’t know what she would find there and she wasn’t sure if she could handle his anger after the way things had gone with Dina earlier that afternoon. Dina. </p><p>Suddenly, she missed Dina so much that she almost forgot where she was and who she was with. In that moment, she knew that she would have given anything in the world to have Dina sitting next to her, rubbing her shoulders and covering her face with kisses. Dina always knew how to make things feel a bit more hopeful. Ellie couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt hopeful about anything.</p><p>Tommy sighed deeply and didn’t speak for a long time, so she didn’t speak either. They sat in silence, each lost in their own thoughts, uncertain.</p><p>“You know, Ellie, I lost everything, too. I’m tired of holding onto it. Do you ever feel like that?” </p><p>“Is it okay, Tommy?” She doesn’t elaborate further, and Tommy doesn’t ask.</p><p>“It has to be, kid. I’m just glad you made it back and I’m sorry as hell for dragging you into this shit in the first place. You had a good little life goin’ with Dina and the baby until I went out there and fucked it up real good for you.”</p><p>Ellie shakes her head slowly, “No, Tommy. I think I would have gone after her at some point. I love Dina and JJ, but I was falling apart and I had somehow convinced myself that killing Abby was the only thing that could make it better.”</p><p>Tommy nodded, “Yeah, and I thought that killing Abby would make losing everything worth it. I couldn’t go out there myself, so I sent you instead.”</p><p>“Honestly, I expected you to be pissed. I was dreading this conversation.”</p><p>Tommy said “I’d be lying if I said that I’m not a little disappointed, but I know you made the right call.” He paused while he took another pull from the bottle of whiskey and passed it to Ellie, “You know, it was really that girl of yours that helped me see things right.”</p><p>Ellie shot a quick glance at Tommy, “My girl..?”</p><p>“Yeah. Remember when I said that I know she still loves you? Boy, she laid into me pretty good about a month ago. Said that if you was dead it was all my fault and that Joel would be ashamed of me.” He scratched his beard absently, “I reckon she’s right. I threw away my whole goddamn life, I drink too much, and I could have gotten you killed.”</p><p>Ellie looked at him, still not understanding.</p><p>“Kid, I’ve known that girl since she was about twelve or thirteen, and I know she wouldn’t have gotten into my face to tell me how much of a piece of shit I am if she didn’t still love you. If you want to fix it, I think you might have a shot.” He smiled cheekily, “If not, that Tawny girl really is pretty okay.”</p><p>Ellie smacked his arm and they laughed until they cried. She stiffened a bit when he put his arm around her, but she let him pull her to his chest so that they could cry together.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Most of the fics I’ve read take the Tommy/Ellie reunion in a direction where Tommy is pissed at Ellie because she let Abby live. I’ve enjoyed all of those fics and I considered that approach, but I think that over the months that Ellie was gone, Tommy would come to regret having sent her away and would realize that he should have let it go.</p><p>Also, in this chapter, Tommy mentions an argument between himself and Dina that will show up in another chapter eventually. It’s already written, I just need a place to put it :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. All The World Is Mad</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The one where Ellie and JJ are reunited.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>In the two weeks since Ellie had gone to speak with Dina they’d run into each other around town several times. They usually made brief eye contact which made Ellie’s heart flutter, but Dina would quickly look away and pretend that she hadn’t noticed Ellie at all. It always struck Ellie as odd whenever that happened, how strange indeed that a woman who was once the closest person in the world to her would be able to walk past Ellie as if she were invisible.</p><p>Ellie had lost a lot of people to death, and she was used to it. It had been agonizing to lose Riley, Sam, Tess, Jesse, and Joel, but constant death was a reality of this life. Death made sense. Losing someone who was still very much alive was different, and she found it even more painful than death in some ways. Even worse was the fact that the only person she wanted to talk to about Dina’s refusal to acknowledge her existence was Dina herself. Dina who had been such a comfort to her when Joel died. Dina who had shared in the grief of losing Jesse. Dina who had always been there. She desperately missed her love, but Ellie missed their friendship even more. </p><p>After that day at Dina’s house, Ellie swore to herself that she would never bother them again, even though she missed Dina and JJ so much that it kept her up at night. The only thing she could do to stay sane was to stay as busy as she could.</p><p>Ellie didn’t sleep well anyway and she usually had nightmares when she did sleep, so she worked long hours by choice and often went to Maria to ask for extra chores to do before or after her shifts. Maria seemed concerned, but she wanted to keep Ellie busy and productive, so she would oblige. Ellie’s only request was that she not be sent to work anywhere near Dina. It hurt too much to see her and have Dina look right through her as though she were a ghost.</p><p>Having too much free time allowed her mind to wander into dark places. When she was alone in her empty home she would find herself staring at drawings she’d done of JJ and Dina for hours, wishing that she could go back in time. More than once, she daydreamed that she had gone back in time and that she’d been able to stop herself before she left them. Her greatest fear had been to end up alone, to be abandoned and left behind. The reality of her greatest fear coming true was that she had been part of a family and had walked out on them. She had chosen this fate.</p><p>“We’ve got a family. She doesn’t get to be more important than that.”</p><p>Some nights, she would wake up screaming over a recurring nightmare she’d been having where the scores of people she’d killed came to Jackson looking for her. In the dream, she always stood at the gates of Jackson shooting at them until she ran out of bullets, only to realize that her bullets were useless. The reanimated corpses would continue charging toward her until they ripped her apart while Dina and JJ watched. </p><p>Ellie preferred to be busy from sunup to sundown, then she would go to the Bison for a drink, and if she drank enough she’d be able to sleep for a few fitful hours. The long hours she worked and the sleep deprivation kept her too exhausted to spend much time dwelling on the past. She liked it that way.</p><p>Maria still hadn’t given her permission to go out on patrol and had placed her on farming rotation as her main assignment. Ellie had hated farming rotation when she was younger but she was surprised that she quite liked being in the greenhouses now. It felt good to nurture rather than destroy. Her labor fed the people and animals that lived in Jackson and she never went home with blood on her hands. For the first time in her life she was contributing something good. It was always peaceful in the greenhouses: no violence, no crowds of people, and no fight for survival. She loved the feeling of leaving work dirty, sweaty, and sore because she had used her body to bring life instead of kill.</p><p>She would stop by the Tipsy Bison most evenings to have a drink and try to acclimate to being around so many people again. Tawny was usually working, and they would chat a little, keeping things light. She hadn’t told Tawny anything particularly personal about herself but she did enjoy Tawny’s company and thought there was potential for an actual friendship there.</p><p>“So, what’s your story?” Tawny asked Ellie one night when the bar was mostly empty.</p><p>“I don’t have a story.” </p><p>“Come on, Ellie.”</p><p>She was on her third drink and feeling friendly, so she decided to give a little, “Well, what do you want to know?”</p><p>Tawny looked caught off guard, as if she expected to have to press more before Ellie gave in, “Oh, well, where were you before you came to Jackson?”</p><p>That’s easy enough, “I grew up in the Boston QZ, there was a military boarding school there and that’s where I lived. I was an orphan.”</p><p>Ellie liked that Tawny didn’t give her a pitying look when Ellie said that she was an orphan, but she did pick up on something in Ellie’s choice of words, “You said you were an orphan?”</p><p>Ellie shrugged, “Yeah, then I met Joel. Tommy’s brother, actually. I was fourteen when we met and we came here together. I guess Joel kind of became my dad after that. We never said it in so many words, but that’s how it was.”</p><p>Tawny looked interested now, “So, you just met this guy, and then he basically adopted you and brought you all the way to Wyoming?”</p><p>“Eh, something like that. I never had parents and it was nice to have someone looking out for me. What about you?” She could have elaborated more, but she liked having just one person in Jackson who didn’t know her about her past as a ruthless killer when she was outside of Jackson’s walls. She liked the anonymity of being with a stranger, and sometimes when she was with Tawny, she was actually able to forget those things about herself.</p><p>Tawny smiled sadly, “It was just me and my mom for a really long time. We lived in another settlement not too far from here. She died about a year ago and I decided to make my way here for a fresh start, I guess.”</p><p>“How did she die?” </p><p>“She got sick. She wasn’t bitten or anything, just sick. She was sick for a long time, it got so bad that I didn’t even mind it that much when she died. I was just glad that she wasn’t suffering anymore.”</p><p>Ellie said “That’s rough. I’m sorry.” </p><p>Tawny nodded slowly and went back to wiping down the bartop. Ellie tried to think of something more to say, and was frustrated with herself that she couldn’t even figure out how to have a normal conversation anymore. Ellie drained her glass and then picked up her backpack and began making her way to the door. </p><p>She stopped short and then walked back over to where Tawny stood wiping down the counter at the opposite end of the bar.</p><p>Smiling shyly, Ellie said “For what it’s worth, I’m glad you ended up here.” </p><p>Tawny grinned and said “Wow, I think that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.”</p><p>Ellie laughed, “Don’t get used to it.”</p><p>--</p><p>She felt pretty good as she walked home from the Bison. She’d worked hard that day and she’d had enough drinks at the Bison that she thought she might even be able to sleep when she got home. The sun was sinking rapidly off in the horizon and with it went the warmth of a late summer afternoon. Autumn was less than a month away and they were in the middle of the late summer harvest so Ellie had gone home every day that week with every muscle in her body aching. It hurt and she deserved it. </p><p>She was lost in thought as she walked to home thinking absently of JJ and how his first birthday would be coming up soon. She wished that she could see him just for a minute, just to see which of her two best friends he looked more like and to find out if he still remembered her. She shook her head, trying to clear the thought from her mind. It hurt too much to think of JJ, and she feared that she’d do something stupid like show up at Dina’s house unannounced and demand to see her kid. </p><p>Although, JJ wasn’t really her kid anymore, so she really didn’t have the right to do that. She missed him so much that she routinely sat awake in bed, trying to remember exactly how he had felt in her arms. Ellie had refused to cry about it, though. She didn’t deserve to cry over losing her child when she’d willingly left him behind. </p><p>When she reached her house, she saw a hooded figure kneeling in front of her door, setting something down. She felt stupid, but she still reached into her waistband for her gun, just like Joel had taught her to do. She was pretty drunk, but felt confident that she would still be able to get off a good shot if it came down to it. The familiar weight of the gun felt cold and reassuring in her hand, and she prepared to shoot if she had to. Killing was easy, the nightmares that came later were hard.</p><p>Then the figure turned and Ellie recognized her immediately.</p><p>“Dina? What are...what are you doing here? I could have shot you!”</p><p>Dina looked annoyed, as though she had just caught Ellie lurking around her house, “I just came to drop this stuff off.” She gestured to a box on the ground, “Some of your stuff got mixed up with mine and JJ’s when…”</p><p>Ellie nodded, “Oh. Thanks for bringing it by…” She shoved the gun back into her waistband and tugged the canvas jacket closer around herself, feeling self conscious and painfully aware of the layer of earth and sweat that coated her body from head to toe.</p><p>Dina just stared at the ground awkwardly, “Are you staying?”</p><p>“Uh, well, I kind of live here, D…” She gestured to the garage behind Dina.</p><p>Dina looked at her sharply, “In Jackson, Ellie.”</p><p>“Oh, uh. I don’t know. I think so, yeah. Is that okay?”</p><p>Dina sighed, “I don’t own the town, Ellie. You can stay here if you want. That’s not why I was asking.” She sighed again, deeper this time as though it was physically exhausting to be here with Ellie, “I wanted to know if you’d like to come see JJ sometime, but I can’t have you disappearing on him again.”</p><p>“You...JJ?” Ellie was so stunned that she wasn’t sure that she’d heard Dina properly. She had wanted to see her son so badly, but she’d been too afraid to even ask.</p><p>Dina eyed her suspiciously, “Yes, JJ. Jesus, is there something wrong with you?”</p><p>“Oh, no. I just came from the Bison, so…” She tried desperately to sound more sober than she actually was, “I go there after work sometimes.”</p><p>“Yeah, I’ve seen you in there a few times when I was passing by. You’re pretty friendly with that new bartender, yeah?” There was a note in Dina’s voice that Ellie couldn’t detect, it made her feel even more on edge.</p><p>“Uh, yeah. She’s a cool girl, so.” Why was this so awkward?</p><p>“I heard her telling Lee about how mysterious you are, or whatever.”</p><p>Shit, really? It was weird to think about Tawny talking about her to other people.</p><p>“Oh, I mean. I dunno, D. I go there to drink, we talk. She’s a cool girl.”</p><p>Why did Dina care so much? Why did Ellie feel the need to defend herself?</p><p>“Right. Well, if you want to come see JJ, that’s okay with me.”</p><p>“Thank you. I’d really like that a lot. When should I..?”</p><p>“How about tomorrow after your shift?”</p><p>“Oh, wow. Yeah, I’d like that.” She shuffled her feet and rubbed the back of her neck.</p><p>“Dina…”</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“I know that it isn’t enough. But I really am sorry.”</p><p>“I know you are. That’s why I’m letting you see JJ. I know you love him and I think it would be good for him. In this world, there’s no such thing as a kid having too much love, I guess.”</p><p>“Okay, Dina. Thank you.”</p><p>Dina nodded as she walked away. Then she stopped for a moment and still facing away from Ellie she said “Please, don’t make me regret this, Ellie.”</p><p>Ellie hoped that she wouldn’t.</p><p>— </p><p>Ellie could barely concentrate at work that next day. She thought of nothing but JJ, her potato. How would he look? Would he remember her? She wished that she could still play guitar so that she could sing for him again. He’d always really liked that.</p><p>“Sup, Ellie.” Ben said this. He was a gangly teenager who desperately wanted to start patrols but wasn’t quite ready for them. </p><p>“Oh, hey Ben.” Her thoughts went immediately back to JJ. His long eyelashes, his chubby cheeks, the weight of him in her arms. She’d missed him so much.</p><p>“Ellie?” He hesitated a bit and kicked at something invisible with his shoe, “Is it true that you were like a beast on patrols before you came to the greenhouse?”</p><p>She laughed a little, “No, Ben” she decided to play with him a bit, “I was pretty damn good though.”</p><p>His eyes widened in awe and she really noticed his features for the first time: bright blue eyes, acne sprinkled all over his cheeks and forehead, and a shy smile. He really was an okay kid, all things considered. Probably around fifteen or so.</p><p>“Wow, that’s what Andy told me but I called him a liar…” His eyes widened more, “Not because I didn’t think you could be good...but I didn’t think you’d come here to work if you were as good as he said, so I thought he was lying. Tryin’ to freak me out.”</p><p>Ellie smiled and went back to work with the hoe, digging shallow trenches for planting. The work was hard, and it was made more difficult by her various injuries, but she kind of loved it.</p><p>“So...have you ever,” He shifted uncomfortably, “Killed anyone?”</p><p>Ellie sighed deeply, then stood up straight to lean on the wooden handle of the hoe. She looked at him, “What do you think?” She said this not unkindly, but curious to know what this boy thought of her.</p><p>“Well, you must have, I guess,” he looked thoughtful, “But you’re so nice…”</p><p>“First of all, I’m not that nice. Second of all, killing really doesn’t have anything to do with being nice. We have to survive and sometimes that means killing someone who gets in the way of it. It’s nothing personal.”</p><p>“What does it feel like?”</p><p>How could she tell this boy that for her, it oftentimes felt like nothing at all? There was rarely any guilt, except for the ones that had been really bad. She’d never tried to explain to someone that there were different types of killing for her: the ones she’d killed out of necessity who were usually nameless attackers, and then there were the handful of people she’d killed because she wanted to. That felt different. That was personal.</p><p>It was the latter type of killing that fucked her up more than she would ever admit. She had thought nothing of killing dozens of WLF soldiers in Seattle because they were in her way and they were usually trying to kill her as well. But she hated herself when she thought of Nora cowering and screaming in pain as Ellie brought the pipe down onto her limbs again and again, she had pleaded for death by the end. So Ellie had shoved the map in her face, waited for Nora to point to the aquarium on the map, and then she’d kicked her a few times to be sure Nora was telling the truth. When she was satisfied that Nora was being honest, Ellie had given her the mercy of a bullet to the head.</p><p>Sometimes a thunderclap or slamming door brought with it an image of Owen choking on his own blood as he tried to tell Ellie about the baby. The horror she’d felt when she unzipped Mel’s jacket to find the swell of pregnancy there and then the taste of acid in her throat when she’d thrown up next to their bodies. There were times, even a year later, when she felt nauseous at the sight of a pregnant woman. “Mel’s baby would be older than JJ, now…” she would think to herself.</p><p>Last week, she’d woken up screaming from a nightmare in which she’d been beating Nora with that metal pipe until Nora’s terrified face turned into Joel’s misshapen head with brains spilling out...</p><p>She shook her head to clear the memories and decided to satisfy Ben’s curiosity without saying too much, “It sucks at first, but it gets easier.” This was mostly true.</p><p>Ben wouldn’t let it go, “How many?”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>He looked bashful again, “How many have you killed?”</p><p>She hated this question. She tried to think of an answer that didn’t make her sound like a monster, “I don’t know.” </p><p>This was the complete truth. She’d killed so many people that there was no way she would ever be able to remember them all. She tried to recall the number of throats she’d cut in Seattle, not even attempting to take the ones she’d shot into account. How many times had she held her hand over a person’s mouth as she jammed her pocketknife into their neck, hissing for them to shut up as their blood flowed warm over her hands? She’d taken so many lives and many of them had been in terror for their last moments on earth because of her. She thought about that sometimes: how the last thing those people had heard was her voice whispering something cruel to them.</p><p>“How come you wanna be stuck in here all day if you can do patrols?”</p><p>“I needed a break.” A physical break, a mental break, an emotional break, “It gets...exhausting.”</p><p>—</p><p>When Dina opened the door to let Ellie in, she looked so beautiful that Ellie was glad that she’d decided to go home to shower and change before coming over. </p><p>“Hey, D…” She tried and failed to sound more confident than she actually felt.</p><p>“Ellie. He’s just through here.”</p><p>And there he was, sitting on the floor, cheerfully playing with a set of wooden blocks. He was spending more time smashing the blocks together than actually attempting to build anything, but Ellie was stunned by him. She remembered the first time she’d laid eyes on him. </p><p>—</p><p>Immediately after JJ was born, the medical staff had walked away with him to rinse and diaper him. Ellie had hardly noticed because she only had eyes for Dina. Ellie busied herself smoothing Dina’s hair away from her face and covering her with kisses. “You did it, babe! I’m so proud of you.” And she was. She’d fought alongside Dina as they took out hordes of infected and living people, but this was the most badass thing she’d ever seen her girlfriend do.</p><p>Dina mustered the energy for a weak smile “I love you. Now go get our son.”</p><p>Our son. Ellie had a son. </p><p>As she sat in the chair closest to Dina’s bed cradling the boy in her arms, she felt that billions of years of evolution had all been for this: so that Ellie could meet this child and be his mom. </p><p>“How about Jesse Joel?” Dina murmured as she watched Ellie stare intently at their son, as though they were the only two people left in the world. </p><p>Ellie looked up at her and swallowed hard, “Joel?” </p><p>Dina smiled softly, “Jesse for his dad and Joel for yours. If that’s okay.”</p><p>Ellie was so overwhelmed that she couldn’t speak, she just leaned over to plant a kiss on Dina’s lips and passed the baby to Dina so that she could feed him. Smiling softly, she ran her thumb over his cheek and whispered “Jesse Joel…”</p><p>—</p><p>Ellie watched JJ for a moment, marveling at how well he could sit up on his own now and how big he had gotten. He was hardly a baby at all anymore; he was becoming a child. She wanted to run to him and pick him up, but hesitated and looked at Dina for approval.</p><p>For the first time in nearly 6 months, Dina smiled at Ellie and it made her breath catch, “Go on.”</p><p>So she did. She sat cross-legged in front of JJ just to admire him up close. He was beautiful with his long eyelashes and a mop of dark curls. He had Jesse’s eyes and Dina’s smile.</p><p>“Hey, Spud. It’s so good to see you.” She held one finger out to the boy who offered her a gummy smile as he grasped the finger in his tiny hand. “Man, you got big.” His hand was slick with drool but Ellie hardly registered it. </p><p>Ellie couldn’t tell if he actually remembered her, but he picked up a block and held it out to her. “Oh, wow. Thank you for sharing!”  Ellie stole a glance at Dina who was watching them from the doorway. She was silent, but Ellie could feel that the tension between them had thawed a little.</p><p>Hesitantly, Ellie reached out to pick JJ up, placing one palm at the back of his head as she murmured apologies to him that he was still too young to understand.</p><p>“I’m sorry I left you.”<br/>
“I’m sorry I broke up our family.”<br/>
“I’m sorry that I made your mama sad.”</p><p>And then she was crying, trying hard to hold it together so that she wouldn’t frighten JJ who just continued to babble and wave his blocks around as though nothing had changed. He was innocent and oblivious and it broke Ellie’s heart that he couldn’t stay that way forever.</p><p>She covered the crown of his head with kisses and set him down gently, watching as he crawled back to where he’d been playing. </p><p>“Are you okay?”</p><p>Ellie wiped her eyes with the back of her arm, “Yeah, I’m okay. I just...missed him so much.”</p><p>“He missed you, too.” Dina said simply.</p><p>“How do you know that?”</p><p>“He cried a lot when you first left and sometimes the only way I could get him to calm down was by singing those songs you used to sing to him.”</p><p>Dina said this in a matter of fact way, but Ellie heard her voice falter on the words. Old hurt bubbling to the surface. Pain that had been caused by Ellie.</p><p>Ellie’s heart shattered at the thought of JJ crying for her, missing her, not understanding why she had gone away.</p><p>“Dina…”</p><p>Dina looked directly at her, “I know.”</p><p>“God, I’m such a shit show.” Wiping at her eyes again. </p><p>Dina snorted a little at that, “Yeah, you kind of are.”</p><p>They stared at each other for a long moment and goosebumps broke out over Ellie’s arms. To have Dina look at her and laugh with her almost made it feel as though no time had passed. The only sounds in the house came from JJ as he giggled to himself. </p><p>“Thank you for this. I don’t deserve it.” She had left him voluntarily. She had chosen to miss so many milestones. It was her fault that JJ didn’t have two parents in his home to love him. Her fault that he didn’t know her anymore. </p><p>Dina paused, considering all of the things she hoped Ellie would pass on to JJ: Her creativity, her fierceness, her kindness, the way she loved those she cared about.</p><p>“Maybe not. But he deserves you.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So, in thinking about Dina’s character I don’t think that she would be vitriolic or cruel to Ellie. I’m basing this off of their interactions throughout TLOU2. I think Dina would be disappointed, over Ellie’s bullshit, and obviously hurt, but not as angry as I’ve seen her in some fics (no shade to those posters). That’s what I’m going for here. Thoughts?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Twilight</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The one where Ellie is vulnerable.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Is it true that you and Dina were together?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie nodded slowly, taking another long pull from her drink.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What happened?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I fucked it up.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tawny had already finished her shift, so they were sitting together at a table in the corner of the Tipsy Bison. It had been nearly two months since Dina had first allowed Ellie to see JJ, and Ellie looked forward to picking him up or watching him at Dina’s house several times a week. She lived for it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Come on, Ellie.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie sighed, she really liked spending time with Tawny but she didn’t love the way Tawny always seemed to be pushing for something she wasn’t sure she could give.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Look, it’s a long story but we lived together for a while with her son, JJ. Our son, I guess. I don’t know.” She ran her finger around the rim of her glass “So, I should have been happy, and sometimes I was, but mostly I was having a tough time dealing with some shit.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Choosing her words carefully she continued, “I had some shit to work out, so I left to go take care of it. Dina told me that if I left, she was done, and I went anyway. I got back to our old house and they were gone.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tawny looked at Ellie for a long time, “Do you still love her?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie sighed,“Yeah, I do.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Does she love you?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t think so.” The truth of that hurt to speak aloud, but she didn’t see any point in lying to herself, “We get along well enough for JJ and that’s a good thing, but no, I don’t think she loves me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you going to ask?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No...I don’t know if I want to hear the answer. How </span>
  <em>
    <span>could</span>
  </em>
  <span> she still love me? I walked out on her.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tawny said simply, “I think </span>
  <em>
    <span>she </span>
  </em>
  <span>fucked up, too.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie raised an eyebrow, “How do you figure?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well,” Tawny paused to collect her thoughts, “You said that you were struggling with some stuff and I know you well enough that I can see that you still are. If Dina loved you, she should have been able to understand that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie laughed humorlessly “Oh, she knew. She was constantly trying to help me pull it together.” Ellie considered this for a moment, “I think I was beyond her help.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So, if she knew that you were messed up, how could she hold it against you that you left to try to go get better?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie had never considered this. She’d been so busy shouldering all of the blame for herself that it hadn’t even occurred to her that Dina could have anything to do with how things had turned out. She still wasn’t convinced, but it gave her something to think about.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know, Tawny. I’m not an easy person to love, and I can’t blame her for not wanting to deal with it anymore.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tawny reached out to cover Ellie’s hand with her own, “Ellie, you are </span>
  <em>
    <span>not </span>
  </em>
  <span>difficult to love.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie looked at the other girl, noticing something different in her brown eyes, “How could you possibly know that, Tawny?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tawny slipped her hand away and blushed a bit, “I’m just saying. You’re a good person, even if you’re stubborn as hell.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey!” Ellie started, but Tawny kept talking as if Ellie hadn’t tried to interrupt.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Maybe you messed up, but Dina should be able to see that it was because </span>
  <em>
    <span>you </span>
  </em>
  <span>were messed up. Not that you didn’t love her.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She waited a beat and then continued, “If you can help her understand that, maybe she’ll forgive you. Be vulnerable.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tawny always made things sound so simple.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>—</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The following afternoon Ellie sat on Dina’s couch bouncing JJ on her lap while Dina flitted around in the background tidying up and preparing JJ’s dinner. Ellie lived for these moments with JJ in her arms and Dina’s presence in the background. If she tried hard enough, she could pretend that this was still her family and that this was their home.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They were cordial, Ellie and Dina, Their conversations were never personal and were always focused on JJ and his routines and his  milestones. Their entire relationship was centered completely around JJ and their coparenting. It worked, but Ellie still yearned for more.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Despite living in such a small town and seeing each other several times a week, Ellie knew almost nothing about Dina’s personal life. She knew that Dina worked alongside Hugh in electrical, and that she occasionally filled in doing patrols or working shifts in the clinic as needed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie knew that Dina spent a lot of time with Jesse’s parents and that she occasionally came into the Bison when Ellie was there. Dina was usually with a group of people, some of which Ellie knew and others who she’d never seen before. Dina would wave if she saw Ellie, but they never shared a drink or even spoke to each other if JJ wasn’t around.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was uncomfortable, it felt weird to go from knowing every detail about Dina’s life to having no idea how she spent her time. Ellie suspected that she was so hesitant to ask because she didn’t want to know. It hurt to think of the way that Dina’s life had gone on without her and Ellie was afraid of how she would feel if she found out that Dina was seeing someone. Knowing that Dina had someone else would break her, so she asked Dina nothing about her personal life and Dina volunteered nothing. If Dina noticed that Ellie never volunteered anything about her own life, she didn’t acknowledge it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie missed her best friend. She missed being able to talk to Dina about anything and knowing that she would be listened to and understood. She missed the partnership they’d shared for that year that they officially belonged to each other. The simple routines, the backbreaking chores, nurturing JJ, and spending nights tangled up in each other. She wondered if Dina ever missed her, too. She wondered if their friendship and love had meant as much to Dina as it had meant to Ellie. For Ellie it had been everything.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie hated that things felt so delicate between them and she worried that it could fall apart at any moment if Dina decided that Ellie was replaceable. Dina was always pleasant and they were cordial, but Ellie knew that she hadn’t been forgiven for the things she’d done. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It dawned on Ellie then that in the same way that she felt that Dina was indifferent toward her because Dina seemed so detached, Dina could also be feeling the same way. Dina didn’t offer anything of herself, but Ellie hadn’t asked for anything. She thought of Tawny’s words, of her suggestion that if Ellie could make Dina understand, maybe Dina would be able to forgive.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Just then, Dina entered the room, holding her arms out for JJ, “Come on little man, it’s dinner time.” She offered a small smile to Ellie as she picked JJ up and kissed his cheek. Ellie knew that this was her cue to leave. She stood up slowly, and prepared to head to the front door.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, Ellie…” Dina sounded unsure, “Would you like to feed him?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie stared at her blankly for a moment.This was a first. She always left when it was time for JJ’s dinner.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“If you have somewhere to be, I get it. Just thought I’d -”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, I don’t!” Ellie said quickly and with a little more volume than she intended, “Have anywhere to go, I mean.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay, through here then.” Dina headed toward the kitchen and Ellie followed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, D?” Ellie hesitated, unsure, “How are you? I don’t think I’ve asked.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dina set JJ down in his high chair and walked to the counter to get his plate, “Oh, I’m good. Things are okay.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dina held out a spoon which Ellie accepted and then pulled out a chair to face JJ. “Here you go, spud.” She airplaned a spoonful of mashed potatoes into his mouth.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What about you?” Dina asked quietly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Me? Oh, I’m…” She knew that the socially acceptable thing to do was to lie, even though she hated lying to Dina. “I’m good.” She winced a little, knowing that Dina would be able to pick up on the hesitation in her voice. She wasn’t good.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So...you’re at the greenhouse?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, Maria has me there while I get better.” More, she needed to open up more, “I think I like it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah?” Dina was surprised, “You used to hate it when we were kids.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie slipped some pureed spinach into JJ’s mouth and could barely hide her own grimace as she did so. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And you still hate spinach?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Spinach sucks, D. It is what it is.” That earned her a smile from Dina and it made her want to sing. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d wanted to sing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I do like farming rotation, though. I think I’m tired of killing stuff.” She threw Dina a cheeky smile, “For now, at least.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dina raised an eyebrow, “Does Maria know this? Because I’m pretty sure I heard her telling someone that you were gonna be her new patrol captain.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie sighed, “I haven’t told her. I’m still trying to decide. I know I would be good at the job but it just feels so good to be doing something useful.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Protecting Jackson </span>
  <em>
    <span>is </span>
  </em>
  <span>useful.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It is.” Ellie agreed, “Alright, so this kid Ben I work with asked me a few months ago if it’s true that I’m a </span>
  <em>
    <span>beast</span>
  </em>
  <span> on patrol.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dina laughed a little, “A beast, huh?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, that’s my reputation. I’m good at killing infected and I’m even better at killing people. What if I don’t want that to be my story anymore?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dina nodded thoughtfully, “You’re so good at so many things, El.” Ellie noticed that Dina had used her old nickname…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You can do anything you want.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I used to think it was my </span>
  <em>
    <span>responsibility </span>
  </em>
  <span>to go out there because I’m the only one who can’t get infected. Much better for me to get bit than for it to be you or anyone else.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dina nodded again, “You don’t owe anyone anything, Ellie.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They were quiet for a while. Ellie knew that Dina believed that, but she also knew that it wasn’t true. She </span>
  <em>
    <span>did </span>
  </em>
  <span>owe and she didn’t think she’d ever be able to pay it all back.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Is it weird that I don’t want JJ to hear about that shit when he’s older? I don’t want the gossip he hears around town to be all about me being a killer.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A soft smile, “No, that’s not weird. You just care about what your son thinks of you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“My son.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Your son.” Dina said this simply, as though it had never been in doubt, “No matter how things went with us I would never keep him from you. He loves you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie laughed, “He’s a baby. I’ll trust his judgement when he can tie his own shoes and change his own diapers.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well hopefully he won’t need diapers by the time he can change them himself.” She hit Ellie’s arm lightly, “Don’t sell yourself short. You’re a good mom.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They let those words rest for a while without speaking. Dina thought she was a good mother. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you want to stick around to put JJ to bed?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>—</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She loved giving JJ his bath, toweling him off, and stuffing him into his pajamas. By the time bath time was over, Ellie was drenched from JJ slapping his hands against the water and squealing happily when Ellie pretended to be afraid of the noise. She got soaked, but JJ had been having so much fun that she didn’t care.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She asked herself for the millionth time how the fuck she could have walked away from </span>
  <em>
    <span>this.</span>
  </em>
  <span> This boy who would only be small for so long before he grew bigger and stronger than Ellie. She could have died in California and she would have missed watching this boy become a man.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When JJ was settled in his crib, Ellie sat on the ground next to his crib so that she was eye level with him as he fought off sleep. She slipped a finger between the bars of his crib and stroked his cheek as she sang to him:</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Haven’t laughed this hard in a long time,</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Better stop now before I start cryin’.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Go off to sleep in the sunshine,</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I don’t wanna see the day when it’s dyin’.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What is that song?” Ellie hadn’t realized that Dina was watching them from the doorway and felt shy.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s called ‘Twilight’’, Joel showed it to me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Twilight”, Dina considered the word, “Is it like those shitty movies we watched at Joel’s that time?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, and he would be deeply offended to hear you say that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s pretty. Sing some more?” Dina stumbled over her words, “It’s just, JJ likes it, so...”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>JJ likes it?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think he missed it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So, Dina did miss her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“She’s a sight to see,</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>She’s good to me.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>But I’m already somebody’s baby.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>She’s a pretty thing, she knows everything.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>But I’m already somebody’s baby.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>JJ was asleep now. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Keep going?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She looked up at Dina and skipped to her favorite part. The part with everything she wished she could say.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Because your candle burns too bright,</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Well, I almost forgot it was twilight.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Even if I think that you are right,</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Well I’m tired of bein down, I got no fight.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I like that one.” Dina said this simply, as though it was completely ordinary for Ellie to be singing to her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I liked singing it.” Ellie decided to be </span>
  <em>
    <span>vulnerable</span>
  </em>
  <span>, “I haven’t felt like singing in a really long time.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How does it end?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“You’re wonderful, when it’s beautiful,</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>But I’m already somebody’s baby.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>And if I went with you,</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I’d disappoint you too.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Well, I’m already somebody’s baby.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’ll have to sing it again with your guitar sometime.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’d like that.” She held up her injured hand, “I don’t really play anymore, though.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Have you tried?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Once, then I left my guitar at…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dina nodded.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>—</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>One day the following week, when Ellie came over to hang out with JJ, she glanced over and saw a guitar case propped up against a chair waiting for her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She felt Dina’s eyes on her, “I went there to get some things, and I just thought…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>What things? Ellie had been to the farm and there was nothing left that didn’t belong to Ellie herself. Dina had gone there for this guitar, for </span>
  <em>
    <span>her. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Ellie felt a lump in her throat.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I hope that’s okay.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, it’s...okay. I want to mess around on my own with it before I play in front of anyone.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I understand.” Dina seemed to notice Ellie floundering and gave her an out, “Hey, bathe the monster for me? He got dirty at daycare and I want him to be clean before he eats.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie was grateful for any excuse to get out of Dina’s line of sight so that Dina wouldn’t see the tears as they slipped down her cheeks. Dina had always been so incredibly thoughtful. Ellie didn’t deserve it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Alright, dude. Let’s do this.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>—</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As she scrubbed the boy clean, she marvelled at how much he’d grown. He babbled a bit as she chatted with him. He wasn’t a great conversationalist, but she appreciated the effort.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>JJ just smiled at her, stray droplets of water clinging to his eyelashes. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She leaned over to give him a kiss and then delivered the punchline, “She kept running from the ball.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ellie!” Dina shouted up at them from downstairs, “You better not be abusing my son with your jokes.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“The </span>
  <em>
    <span>real </span>
  </em>
  <span>abuse is this humorless home you’re raising him in.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, for God’s sake.” Dina groaned audibly, “Dinner is done.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>—</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dina, does he really have to eat this shit?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Stuff</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Ellie. He’s absorbing our every word!” He’s a sponge right now.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie rolled her eyes, “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Stuff</span>
  </em>
  <span>, then. I feel bad for the guy.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Peas are good for his heart!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, but do they have to be </span>
  <em>
    <span>mashed </span>
  </em>
  <span>like this?” Ellie wrinkled her nose, “This looks like something I’ve seen in one of his diapers.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dina smacked Ellie’s arm, “Just feed him, and then we can eat.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie grimaced, “Do </span>
  <em>
    <span>we</span>
  </em>
  <span> have to eat mashed peas?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dina rolled her eyes, “God, you’re worse than him.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>—</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After JJ had been put to bed, and they’d eaten, Ellie picked up her coat so she could leave, not wanting to overstay her welcome.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey,” Dina sounded unsure, “Hang out for a bit longer?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sure.” Ellie’s heart soared.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dina headed to the kitchen “Let me get you a drink. Is wine okay?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie preferred beer, but she would have happily accepted anything Dina offered her. Maybe she would have even drank coffee for her. Ellie sat on the couch, hope rising in her chest.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Here you go.” She handed Ellie a glass.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie accepted the glass and then held it out to Dina. Dina smiled a little and clinked their glasses together.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So, how are you really?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dina took a sip, “It’s kind of day to day, you know?” She frowned a little, “I like working in electrical, I’ve made some friends, JJ is doing great.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie caught Dina’s eye, “But..?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But, sometimes it feels like I’m just going through the motions. It feels like something is missing.” Dina stared back at Ellie, “You.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Huh?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dina seemed to realize what she’d said, “What about you? How are you?” She flushed a little.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh. I’m doing a bit better. Work is good, I’ve gained some weight back which everyone in medical was thrilled about. JJ is...everything.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dina parroted Ellie, “But?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>But I’m drinking too much. But I stay up at night missing you. But it breaks my heart to leave JJ every night. But I feel hollow.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was Ellie’s turn to parrot Dina, “Something is missing.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Be vulnerable.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dina?” Ellie swallowed hard, “You know that I still love you, right?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dina hesitated and then nodded. Of course she knew. Dina could always read her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you…” Ellie’s voice broke slightly, “Do you love me?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ellie…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s okay if you don’t” she said this quickly, “I just need to know.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ellie, I </span>
  <em>
    <span>mourned </span>
  </em>
  <span>you. I thought you were dead for months.” Ellie saw tears well up in Dina’s eyes and it hurt her to see them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That isn’t what I asked.” Ellie stared into Dina’s eyes, “I asked if you love me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dina looked away, “I had to let go. For myself and for him. It was killing me to be in love with a ghost.” Dina was pleading for her to understand.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not a ghost anymore.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ellie…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know, I know. It’s alright.” And it really was alright, she’d expected it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We’re just doing so well at coparenting. I don’t...let’s not risk that, okay?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Maybe we’re just better as friends.” That was a lie and they both knew it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you really believe that?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dina just stared at her for a long time. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I missed you so much, Ellie. I missed my best friend.” Dina shook her head, “But I can’t do it again. You should let go of that, too.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie nodded, even though she noticed that Dina hadn’t actually answered her question. “Whatever you want, D.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I want to keep doing this. I want you to keep coming here to help me raise our son. I want you to teach JJ everything you know and I want you to help me make him into a better person than either of us.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’d like that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Can’t this be enough, Ellie?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Be vulnerable, Ellie</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I just wanted you to know that I love you. I don’t want that to be unsaid.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dina met her eye, “I do know.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They drank in silence for a bit.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dina, one more thing?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sure, what’s up?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What kind of ghost has the best hearing?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dina groaned, “Ellie, goddammit.” Ellie just stared at her, green eyes twinkling.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ugh, what kind?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“The eeriest.” Ellie’s face split into a massive grin. It made her face hurt a little, she hadn’t smiled like this in so long.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh my god.” Dina put her face in her hands and shook her head.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>If you haven’t listened to “Twilight” by Elliott Smith, you should go do that.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. God Only Knows</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The one where Dina is jealous.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Dina hadn’t been entirely cognizant of the way in which she had slowly allowed Ellie’s presence to erode the boundaries she had set for their relationship. She had never quite gotten used to the way that she and Ellie could spend so much time together with JJ since Ellie’s return without ever really talking about anything important. In fact, it had been months and she still hadn’t asked Ellie to tell her about what had happened in Santa Barbara. She didn’t want to know. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She had seen enough of Ellie’s darkness and brutality when they were in Seattle, and she wasn’t interested in seeing any of it ever again. Fortunately, Ellie seemed to be getting back to her old self more and more every day. Unfortunately for Dina, Ellie returning to her old self made it nearly impossible for Dina to fall out of love with her no matter how hard she tried.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In the beginning, she had avoided Ellie whenever possible because she didn’t trust herself around her and feared that she wouldn’t be able to stay firm in her decision to remain broken up. Then, when Dina had gotten used to seeing Ellie around town, she had decided that she was strong enough to allow Ellie to come over and see JJ, but she usually took those opportunities to go run an errand or do chores while the two of them spent time together.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When she </span>
  <em>
    <span>was</span>
  </em>
  <span> around with Ellie and JJ, they kept conversation light, casual, and focused on their son. They would exchange pleasantries and then go on with their routine: Ellie would hang out with JJ until dinnertime and then Dina would show up to whisk him away, Ellie would know that it was time for her to leave and she would do so without fuss. It had been simple.</span>
</p><p><span>And then somehow, Ellie had worn down Dina’s resolve without even meaning to. That was the devastating thing about Ellie that had made Dina fall in love with her in the first place: she was so damn easy to love and yet, she was so completely oblivious to the effect she had on people. It had frustrated Dina terribly years ago when she wanted Ellie to notice how she felt about her and she was grateful for Ellie’s obliviousness now that she </span><em><span>didn’t</span></em><span> want</span> <span>Ellie to know how she truly felt.</span></p><p>
  <span>Yes, her intentions from the beginning had been to welcome Ellie back into their lives as JJ’s other parent while they continued to live separate lives. It went on that way until that day when Dina had decided that it was harmless to invite Ellie to stay for dinner and then had encouraged her to put JJ to sleep. That had been fine, it had even been sweet to see the two of them do JJ’s nighttime routine together. On another night, she’d asked Ellie to hang out for a while after JJ had gone to sleep. It had gone well until Ellie had decided to tell Dina that she </span>
  <em>
    <span>loved </span>
  </em>
  <span>her, and what the fuck had that been about? Dina had told herself then that their relationship had become unhealthy and that she would slowly put some boundaries back up. It was best for all three of them if she and Ellie were friendly without being friends.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So then why had Dina gone out of her fucking way to go get that guitar from their old house? It had been almost on a whim that she decided to ask JJ’s grandparents to watch him while she made a quick run to the old house. They’d been confused and asked her what she still had left there because they knew that they had helped her clear out everything but Ellie’s things. For some reason, she didn’t feel comfortable telling them that she was making a dangerous trip to her old home to rescue her ex-girlfriend’s guitar so she had lied about having forgotten a few small things at the old house and although they’d let her go without questioning it further, she wasn’t sure that they believed her. Dina had attempted that same lie with Ellie, although she knew that Ellie had seen right through her just like she always did. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dina had known it was all a bad idea but somehow those few concessions she had made turned into a new routine wherein Ellie would stay after JJ was asleep so they could drink wine, chat, and listen to music the way they had when they were younger. It was maddening to be so close to Ellie without being able to touch her, but she didn’t have the strength to put a stop to it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The truth was, she still loved Ellie and wished that there could be a future for all three of them together, and whenever Ellie stayed to share a glass of wine after putting JJ to sleep, she could almost pretend that nothing had changed. If she was honest with herself she would have to admit that this fantasy was half of the reason she wanted Ellie around. If she was honest with Ellie, she would have to tell her that she wished it could always be this way. So she lied to both of them, because while it was true that Dina was still in love with Ellie, it also happened to be true that Ellie had fucked things up so badly that they could never go back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dina sighed to herself as she folded laundry and listened to Ellie’s voice drifting down from upstairs as she sang to JJ. Dina loved hearing the two of them together as JJ babbled and giggled along with Ellie’s singing and awful fucking jokes.</span>


</p><p> </p><p>
  <em><br/>
<span>“I may not always love you,</span><br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>But as long as there are stars above you,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You never need to doubt it.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I'll make you so sure about it.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>God only knows what I'd be without you.”</span>
  </em>


</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Loving Ellie had hurt from the very beginning. It had hurt when Dina had first fallen in love with Ellie and they couldn’t be together, it hurt in Seattle as Dina watched Ellie tear herself apart for revenge, it had hurt while she watched Ellie struggle with her demons at the farm, and it hurt now that they were separated because of choices Ellie had made. Cataloguing all of the pain Ellie had caused her over the years was enough to make Dina feel so resentful that she wished that she could make Ellie feel even a fraction of what she’d gone through. Then, she would remember that she loved Ellie so much that it had been worth it once.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dina noticed that Ellie had stopped singing and figured that JJ must have dropped off to sleep. She sighed, dreading the moment when Ellie would come downstairs and go through the motions of readying herself to leave even though they both knew that Dina would invite her to stay longer. She didn’t even try to convince herself that she would stop Ellie from leaving anymore, she didn’t see a point in lying about that, at least.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dina?” Ellie called her name quietly as she padded down the stairs. Hearing Ellie say her name after putting their son to sleep while Dina sat here doing laundry felt so...domestic. It hurt.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s out.” Ellie’s voice was much closer now, and Dina looked up from the basket of laundry to see Ellie’s lanky frame leaning in the doorway, locks of hair falling into her eyes. “I read him two stories and sang him two songs, so he should be good.” Ellie seemed cheerful and it warmed Dina’s heart to see her like this. Over the last couple of months that Ellie had been coming over to spend time with them, Dina had slowly watched Ellie transform into a version of the girl she used to be. Happier than she had been since Joel’s death, although there was still something in her eyes that seemed...tired.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie also looked healthier than she had in close to two years. She’d gained back some healthy weight and lean muscle was beginning to fill out her arms again. Her cheeks were no longer gaunt and there was some light in her eyes. Her hair was longer now, just past her shoulders, and Dina had been thinking of offering to cut Ellie’s hair the way she used to. Ellie still had dark circles under her eyes, so Dina knew that she wasn’t sleeping well, but she was eating, she smiled more, and she was singing again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you for that.” Dina loved her son and would do anything for him, but caring for a toddler by herself had been exhausting. She was grateful to have Ellie around to share some of the workload.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie flashed her a warm smile that reminded her of when they were teenagers, “It’s no problem, D. You know I love being with him.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dina smiled back, “He loves being with you.” Dina wished she could tell Ellie how much she also loved having her around.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you want to stick around for a bit? We could have a drink?” Dina hated herself for being so weak.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Ellie flashed another smile and headed to the kitchen, “You stay there. I’ll go get it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The following day, Dina was in the electronics workshop bent over a stereo that had come in for repair. She liked this work. It felt good to use her brain to figure things out and solve problems. She was good at it. Sometimes she missed the excitement of going out on patrols and supply runs, but the excitement wasn’t worth the risk that JJ could become an orphan the way she and Ellie were.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She liked her coworkers, too. Most of them were around her age and their conversations were always light and easy. It was a good distraction from the shit show that was her personal life. Today, she was working alone with Lee who had tried to ask her out a few times when she’d first come back to Jackson. He was a good guy, though, and he had graciously accepted her polite refusal. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whoever it was sure did a number on you</span>
  <em>
    <span>.”</span>
  </em>
  <span> He’d finally said with a sad smile, but he didn’t argue with her and hadn’t asked her out since. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So, what are you guys doing for JJ’s birthday?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ellie and I are planning to have a little party at my place. Just close friends and family, that sort of thing.” Dina hesitated, “You should come.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lee’s face lit up, “Really?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dina knew that she was treading dangerous waters by inviting him, but she planned to invite the rest of their friends and knew that she couldn’t exclude him without hurting his feelings. Lee was a nice guy. Tall and handsome with broad shoulders and bright blue eyes. He had never been anything but a perfect gentleman with her, which was the problem. Dina knew that he still liked her and she knew that he would probably ask her out again someday. The thing was, she had no real reason to turn him down. He was handsome, sweet, and she was single. He just wasn’t Ellie, for better or for worse.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. I was thinking of inviting the others, so you should all come together.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay!” He seemed a little disappointed to hear that Dina was inviting the rest of their friends, but his smile never faltered. “When is it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s on November 1st. I think we’re shooting for everything to start around noon.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cool!” He smiled so widely that she couldn’t help but smile back at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, we’re going to the Bison after work tonight, wanna come?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her first impulse was to say no, but she remembered that Ellie had told Dina that she was busy and couldn’t come over tonight. This meant that she could easily drop JJ off with his grandparents and spend time with someone who wasn’t her ex or her child. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, okay. I’ll be there.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This was healthy. Spending time with Ellie was not healthy and it wasn’t doing anything for her internal campaign to move on.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina hadn’t been spending much time with her friends outside of work over the past couple of months that Ellie had been coming around more. She typically went straight home after work and waited for Ellie to get there. This meant that she had turned down well over a dozen of her friend’s requests to go to the Tipsy Bison, a bonfire, or one of their houses in the evenings. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It felt good to be sitting in their usual booth at the Bison again with Lee, Tony, and Hannah. She couldn’t remember the last time that she’d done this with them, and as they sat there laughing and drinking, she regretted that she hadn’t done it more often. All three of them had agreed to come to JJ’s party and they were talking animatedly about some plan they had come up with to procure more liquor for the party.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Andy’s brother makes moonshine, I think. He could get us some.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“His moonshine fucking sucks, though.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s better than nothing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Dina heard the door open, she glanced up and saw Ellie walk in, looking slightly distracted. She sat down on her usual barstool and ran her fingers through her hair. Dina wondered what was on her mind and she wished that she could be sitting there with Ellie instead of with her friends who she had been having such a good time with before. She had always hated the way that Ellie’s presence always made everything else pale in comparison.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie had laid her journal out on the bartop and was staring down at it as she rolled a pen between her fingers. She looked beautiful in that casual way that was so unique to Ellie. Dina knew that she should look away and participate in the conversation her friends were having, but she couldn’t bring herself to be interested in it anymore.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dina was bulldozed by a rush of annoyance when Tawny walked over and smiled widely at Ellie. Even from across the room Dina could see how blatantly Tawny was flirting with Ellie, meanwhile Ellie seemed to take little notice of it. Tawny was laughing at everything Ellie said, touching her when it wasn’t necessary, and kept smiling in that obnoxious way that showed off every one of her perfectly white teeth. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dina?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She hadn’t realized that anyone had been speaking to her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh, what?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hannah laughed, “I was asking if you would be willing to switch shifts with me tomorrow?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dina forced herself to turn her attention back to her friends, “Yeah, that’s fine with me. What do you have going on?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It turned out that Hannah was going out on a supply run with her brother to find a birthday gift for their mom, and it also turned out that Dina couldn’t have possibly cared less.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She heard the door open again, and this time, it was Cat. Ellie’s ex-girlfriend. Looking as cool as ever, Cat sat down next to Ellie who smiled crookedly at her when Cat gave Ellie a peck on the cheek. Cat had always annoyed the hell out of Dina with her choppy black hair, tattoos, and annoyingly kind demeanor. Even when Ellie and Cat had been together and Dina had been unable to stop herself from being a total dick, Cat had always been perfectly friendly and sincere. God, that had annoyed her. She had been so jealous of Cat that she’d legitimately wanted to kick her ass, but the girl was just so fucking nice that she couldn’t find an excuse to do it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This was why Ellie had said she was busy tonight, so that she could flirt with hot bartenders and spend time with her ex. That annoyed Dina too, and then she felt annoyed at her own annoyance because she </span>
  <em>
    <span>knew </span>
  </em>
  <span>that she was being irrational. They were broken up by Dina’s own choice and this is what broken up people do: they move on and find other partners.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dina watched as Cat tugged the pen out of Ellie’s hand and leaned over the journal, both women were staring at the page intently as Cat scribbled something that Dina was dying to see. The two women’s heads were so close together that they could probably hear each other thinking. Watching them made her want to throw something. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A wide grin, a knowing glance, a flirty smack on the arm, heads thrown back in laughter. Fuck.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Just then, Ellie finally glanced up from the journal and made eye contact with Dina. When their eyes met, Ellie smiled brightly at her and gave a little wave before turning back to stare at the journal with Cat. That pissed her off, too. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dina stole glances at the two of them for another hour while her friends chatted in the background. When Ellie and Cat walked out together, Ellie didn’t even glance her way to say goodbye. She’d just picked up her bag and held the door open for Cat. Through the window, Dina could see Cat loop her arm through Ellie’s as they doubled over in laughter.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>What the fuck could possibly be so goddamn funny?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Later that night, perhaps sensing that she was upset, Lee had offered to walk Dina home. Not wanting to be alone. Dina had agreed and they made small talk as they walked. Mostly it was just Lee making small talk while Dina murmured responses that seemed to fit with what he had said. If he noticed that her mind was a million miles away, he didn’t comment on it, which she appreciated because she was busy wondering what the hell Ellie and Cat were up to.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They could be tangled up in Ellie’s sheets at that very moment, kissing and touching. She wondered if Cat was touching Ellie in all of the places she liked best. Dina had always loved the fact that no one knew Ellie’s body the way she did. No one else knew how to make Ellie feel as good as Dina could make her feel. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Until she remembered that Cat had been there first. Cat had been the first person to touch Ellie in those places and for all Dina knew, they’d been sleeping together again for months. Maybe Ellie enjoyed sex with Cat more than she had with Dina. Maybe Ellie hadn’t meant it when she said that no one else could ever compare.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Every woman in Jackson who was even vaguely attracted to women had been into Ellie, and half of the straight women were, too. Of </span>
  <em>
    <span>course </span>
  </em>
  <span>Ellie would have chosen someone else by now. She did the math in her head quickly and figured that JJ had been about five months old when Ellie left and his first birthday was in just a few days. It had been seven months since they’d broken up. Of </span>
  <em>
    <span>course</span>
  </em>
  <span> Ellie had gotten sick of waiting for her. Dina had explicitly told Ellie that they were done so Ellie would have had no reason to wait at all.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The thought of Ellie with anyone else felt obscene and Dina knew that this was all her fault. After all, she was the one to tell Ellie to move on, but the way that Ellie seemed so willing to do it broke her heart. But hadn’t she broken Ellie’s? It hadn’t been so long ago that Ellie had told Dina that she was still in love with her, and despite the fact that she felt the same way, Dina had chosen to shut her out. If Dina had chosen differently </span>
  <em>
    <span>she </span>
  </em>
  <span>could be the one in bed with Ellie now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When they reached Dina’s house they chatted for a few moments longer until Lee worked up the nerve to ask if she would like to go out with him a few days after JJ’s birthday party. She had been thinking of Ellie arm in arm with Cat when she told Lee that she would go out with him. Lee smiled so wide that she was almost glad to have agreed to go out with him. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Almost. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He pressed a quick kiss to her cheek before walking away. Dina touched the place on her cheek where his lips had been, hating the way his beard stubble had felt on her skin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The moment she unlocked her door and stepped into her quiet house she wished that she hadn’t gone out at all. She could have stayed home with her son, blissfully unaware that Ellie was seeing other people, she wouldn’t have agreed to go on a date with Lee, and she wouldn’t have to sit alone thinking about how massively she had fucked everything up. Every time Dina had shut Ellie out it had never seriously occurred to her that there could ever be anyone else. Somewhere in the back of her mind Dina figured that she must have always been planning for them to work things out eventually. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She would never be able to just believe Ellie when she said that she was ready to be a family again, but Dina was so proud of how hard Ellie had been working, how amazing she was with JJ, how thoughtful she was when she showed up with a bottle of wine that she’d scouted out just for them to share. It had given her hope and Dina had hardly expressed any of it to Ellie. Of course, she’d thanked Ellie, but had she told Ellie that she was proud of her? Had Dina made any effort to show that Ellie had once again become an irreplaceable part of Dina’s life? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Walking home from work the following day, Dina saw Tommy sitting near the stables with his injured leg stretched out in front of him, too stiff to bend. She’d been meaning to remind Ellie to invite Tommy and Maria to JJ’s party, but she never remembered to bring it up. It seemed silly for her to walk past him now instead of just inviting him herself, so she decided she would do it now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She felt a little awkward as she walked over to Tommy, hands shoved down into the pockets of her jacket, the memory of the last time they’d spoken still fresh in her mind. They’d been in this very spot last time and that had been just weeks after Dina had come back to Jackson. They’d argued, badly, and had avoided each other ever since.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tommy seemed so distracted as he watched the young horses play that Dina wondered if he was really seeing them at all. He cradled a flask in his hand and seemed to be taking no notice of anything that was happening around him. He was so lost in thought that he didn’t notice that Dina was approaching him which was so out of character for the man who had once been notorious for his instincts out on patrols.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey…” Dina said as she approached him realizing too late that she had come up on the side where he’d lost an eye.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tommy whipped around to look at her and smiled softly when he recognized Dina. “Oh, hey Dina. Yer alrigh?” He was drunk.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, yeah. I just wanted to talk to you about JJ’s birthday.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tommy took a swig from the flask, “What’s up, kid?” That faraway look he had about him now crushed her. He had once been the most vibrant and capable man in Jackson and now he was just a drunken shell of his former self.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, we’re having his party this weekend and we’d like it if you came.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, me and Ellie.” It sounded weird to say their names together like that, “And JJ.” That sounded a bit better.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tommy looked interested, “Have you and that niece of mine patched things up yet?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re friendly. We co-parent.” That explanation seemed somehow insufficient, “She comes over a lot to be with JJ.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He raised an eyebrow “Just to be with JJ?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tommy…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, okay. I won’t pry.” He held his hands up in surrender, still clutching the flask in one of them, “I wouldn’t miss the party, I haven’t seen the little scamp in months.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good!” Dina said brightly, “Will you tell..?” She stopped short. Last she’d heard, Maria and Tommy weren’t living together anymore and she hadn’t asked Ellie for an update in a while.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He smirked a little, “Yeah, I’ll tell her when she gets home tonight.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tommy!” She punched his arm lightly, “I’m so happy for you guys.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tommy waved away her enthusiasm, “Yeh, so’m I. Still dunno how I managed to convince her to give me another chance, but we’re workin on it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tommy smiled, “Speaking of second chances…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dina rolled her eyes, “C’mon Tommy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, okay.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The one and only time that she’d spoken to Tommy since Ellie left for California had taken place when they’d crossed paths in front of the stables just a couple of weeks after her return to Jackson. She’d been making every effort to avoid him because she didn’t trust herself to be cordial. They’d made awkward eye contact as they each headed to the stables and within minutes, they were screaming at each other.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>You know what I think, Tommy?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Oh, do you think? That’s fuckin news to me” he’d said, taking a long pull from his flask. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I think that you were jealous. You came back from Seattle crippled and ended up divorced. Your little revenge mission failed and you couldn’t handle it that Ellie was safe, healthy, and loved. You had to fuck it up for her because she had the life you wanted.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Dina, back the fuck off.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Or what, Tommy? What are you going to do, huh? You already fucked up my life.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Tommy growled and took a step toward her, jabbing a finger into her face, “Well, maybe you deserve it, Dina. Look at you. You broke Jesse’s fuckin heart and then ran off with his friend. And then when he got killed, you moved her in to raise his child. You replaced him like he was nothing. So if you’re going to throw stones, start with yourself.”  </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>A gut punch, “Fuck you, Tommy.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Oh, yeah. Fuck me for sayin what everyone else is thinkin. I know my brother and I know that Joel wouldn’t have wanted Ellie to be with a whore.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Dina laughed humorlessly, “Tommy, you’re so fucking pathetic. Joel loved Ellie more than anything in the world. How do you think he’d feel if he knew that you’d sent her on a fucking dangerous fool’s errand? How would he feel if he knew that you sabotaged Ellie’s happiness after everything he sacrificed to make sure she would have a good life?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Their faces were inches apart, and they were both screaming so loudly that everyone was staring at them now.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Tommy Miller, I just want you to know that if Ellie is dead. If she never comes back, it’s your fucking fault and I will never, ever forgive you.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“She made her own goddamn choice, Dina.” His words were defiant but she heard his voice waver slightly.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“She was damaged and vulnerable and you manipulated her. You pathetic piece of shit. I can’t even look at you without wanting to throw up.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>—</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina moved to leave, but stopped herself. She walked back over to Tommy and gave him a kiss on the cheek. He smiled up at her, eyes red and watery, smelling of alcohol.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dina, you know, I’m real sorry about how we left things last. I was drinkin too much.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He still seemed to be drinking too much, “I know, Tommy. It turned out okay. Ellie’s back and that’s what matters.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tommy ran his fingers through his long hair, “No, that ain’t all that matters. Joel would have wanted me to look after Ellie and instead, I ruined her life.” He sounded close to tears.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She made her own choices, Tommy.” Dina shrugged, “I’ll be honest, now that she’s back in Jackson, she’s doing better than I’ve seen her in almost two years. Maybe California agreed with her.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hesitated, then asked “Has she talked to you about it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dina shook her head, “I haven’t asked and she hasn’t volunteered anything.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tommy nodded slowly, “You should talk to her about it. I think it would be a good thing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dina smiled sadly, “Yeah, maybe I will.” She said this even though she had no intention of actually asking Ellie anything about California.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Dina?"<br/>
</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You should tell her how you feel.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dina didn’t have to ask Tommy what he meant.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fuck, I’m so bad at this shit.” Ellie was wielding a pair of scissors and frowning over the dinosaur cutouts she was attempting to make out of construction paper.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She and Ellie sat cross-legged on the floor preparing decorations for JJ’s party. There was a record playing on the turntable and they each had a glass of wine sitting on the floor next to them. When they were first starting to spend more time together, Dina knew that Ellie hadn’t been a fan of wine. Now, Ellie often showed up with a bottle of wine that they could try together. Dina suspected that Ellie had to trade or do extra chores for the wine, but she didn’t ask.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dina pulled Ellie’s hand closer so she could get a better look at the attempt she had made with the dinosaur cutouts.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, that is pretty bad.” Dina smiled at Ellie who looked adorable with strands of auburn hair loose around her face and a gentle pout on her lips. Maybe it was the wine, but Dina couldn’t stop herself from leaning forward to slip a loose strand of hair back behind Ellie’s ear.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie shifted her eyes to stare at Dina’s hand where it touched her skin and then quickly looked back at Dina’s face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Blushing, Dina pulled her hand away and said “Here, trade me.” She held out the ribbon for Ellie to take, “I’ll cut them out and you can thread the ribbon through.” An easy fix. It felt good to be able to solve a problem for Ellie again, she’d missed it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure, okay.” Ellie’s voice was scarcely more than a whisper and she cleared her throat a little. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They sat quietly for a while, each working diligently on her own pile of dinosaurs, trying to rush through them so they could move on to the next task.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Dina?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dina glanced up at Ellie, “Mmm?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh no. Ellie, please. No jokes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“C’mon. The sooner you cooperate, the sooner it’ll be over.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine”, Dina said rolling her eyes, “What did it say?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing,” Ellie smiled so big that Dina could hardly handle it, “It just let out a little wine.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, wow. That was like, especially bad.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ehh, you always say that.” Ellie leaned close to Dina’s face, eyes on Dina’s, teasing her “You love my jokes. Admit it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll do no such thing.” Dina leaned closer, whispering now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Admit it, or else.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Or else what, tough guy?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Their faces were so close now that their noses were just inches apart.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Or else I’ll…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie’s voice trailed off when Dina placed her hand on Ellie’s neck, warm and incredibly gentle. Dina could feel Ellie’s pulse quicken under her fingertips.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie brought her own hand up to touch Dina’s where it rested on her skin. Threading their fingers together, Ellie looked at Dina as if she were waiting for something.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dina recalled their first kiss. How she had kissed Ellie as if she had no doubt in her mind that she was doing the right thing. She wished that she could feel that way now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This time it was Ellie who closed the gap between them, leaning in to press her lips to Dina’s. Their lips touched lightly, but before it could quite become a kiss, Dina pulled away. Apologizing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie cupped Dina’s face in her hands and trained her eyes on Dina’s, making eye contact so deep that Dina felt that she had been exposed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t want to kiss me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It just isn’t a good idea…” Dina really, really did want to kiss her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why not?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dina stared down, wanting to look anywhere but at Ellie, “You know why.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dina, I’m trying so hard. I want you, me, and JJ to be a family again.” Ellie’s tone was pleading now, “I know I messed up, but just tell me what you want me to do and I’ll do it. No matter what it is and no matter how long it takes. Just tell me there’s a chance and I can make it right.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think you can, Ellie.” She could hear how dejected her voice sounded. She wasn’t even sure if she believed the words she said or if it seemed like the thing she </span>
  <em>
    <span>should </span>
  </em>
  <span>say.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie stared at her for a few more moments, eyes searching Dina’s face for any crack in the facade.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay” Ellie said, leaning back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She picked up the ribbon again and continued threading it through the dinosaurs without speaking. The record on the player stopped, needing to be flipped over, but neither of them made a move to do it. Both of their glasses were empty, but neither of them offered to refill them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Watching Ellie’s hands as she worked, every single cell in Dina’s body cried out for Ellie to touch her again. Just for another second. Just long enough that Dina could commit it to memory.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Idk guys. I struggled with this one. I hope it's alright.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. I Want to Tell You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The one we've all been waiting for.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ellie was exhausted. </p><p>She understood why Dina would be hesitant to rekindle their relationship and she didn’t blame her for it, but it was beginning to wear her down. It annoyed Ellie that although it had become routine for her to spend some time alone with Dina after they put JJ to sleep, Dina always waited for Ellie to get ready to leave and only <em> then </em>would she invite her to stay for a drink or a late dinner. It felt as if she was communicating to Ellie that she shouldn’t get too comfortable with their routine because their time spent together could end at any time. Once or twice Ellie had been tempted to say that she had other plans just to see how Dina would react, but she couldn’t bring herself to pass up an opportunity to be together. </p><p>She was weak.</p><p>Before they’d nearly kissed, Ellie thought that she knew Dina well enough to be confident that Dina wanted the kiss just as much as Ellie did, only for Dina to pull away and shut her out. Then, when she looked into Dina’s eyes she had seen the hesitation that she expected to find, but there was also something else. Fear? Was Dina <em> afraid </em>of her? What she couldn’t understand was why Dina had been the one to initiate the whole thing if she wasn’t actually open to a possible reconciliation. </p><p>All of it felt so confusing and untidy.</p><p>Regardless, spending so much time with JJ and Dina had started to fill up all of the places inside of her that had been empty since Joel’s death. Food had taste again, music sounded pleasant to her ears, and the feeling of sunshine on her skin made a day feel worth waking up to. The only thing that could have made it better would be putting JJ to sleep every night and then waking up next to Dina in the morning.</p><p>She still had nightmares, she still flinched involuntarily when Joel’s name was spoken aloud, and she still felt anxious in crowds, but she <em> was </em>getting better. Ellie had work that made her feel productive, she had her son to raise, and she had hope that someday everything else would fall into place.</p><p>Ellie could feel how much stronger her body was now that all of her old injuries had healed and she had been toying with the idea of asking Maria about trying patrols again once winter set in and there was less need for her on the farming rotation. Thinking of leaving the safety of Jackson's walls to go clear infected and comb surrounding areas for supplies made her nervous, but it excited her.</p><p>—</p><p>In the weeks leading up to JJ's first birthday, Ellie had been spending even more time than usual at Dina's house so she could help Dina with the preparations or keep JJ entertained while Dina ran errands. It was remarkable to see how much energy Dina still had after working all day, only to come home and make guest lists, look for supplies, and assemble decorations, all while caring for a toddler.</p><p>Seeing how diligently Dina was working to make sure things went well for JJ’s birthday, Ellie decided that she wanted to do something nice for Dina that could be a gift from herself and JJ. Specifically, Ellie wanted to find a way to thank Dina for allowing her back into their lives, even if Dina didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore. Ellie knew that nothing she could do would ever compare to Dina allowing her to come back and be JJ’s mom again, but she wanted to do <em> something </em> and she wanted it to be something that was both practical and meaningful. </p><p>After thinking it over for a few days, Ellie settled on building a vertical garden for Dina’s yard. It seemed a little silly and she wasn’t sure that Dina would like it, but she thought that now that some time had passed since leaving the farm, Dina might like to try gardening again. </p><p>Dina had been so excited when they first moved to the farm and she’d told Ellie all through her pregnancy how happy she was that JJ would grow up in the fresh air with plenty of space to run and an appreciation for hard work. That had been Dina’s dream and Ellie had ruined it for her, but if she could just give Dina even a fraction of that back, maybe things would be okay. Maybe it would even be something like atonement.</p><p>--</p><p>One afternoon after she left the greenhouses, Ellie walked over to the woodworking shop to pick up some supplies for Dina’s gift, and she’d been stunned to see a familiar head of black hair bent over a drawing with a ruler in hand. </p><p>“Cat?” </p><p>Cat whipped around to look at her, and then as casually as if they still saw each other every day, she said “Ellie, how have you been?”</p><p>Although Ellie mostly kept to herself, she was sure that the entirety of Jackson knew exactly how she had been over the last several months. Small town, big mouths. </p><p>Ellie figured that Cat must be giving her the opportunity to tell her about the breakup on her own terms, so she decided to play along, “I’ve been okay. I didn’t know you were back.”</p><p>“I got back a couple of weeks ago and decided to come work in the shop. I’m not great with the actual woodwork yet but I can draw out the designs and they’ve already taught me a lot. It seemed like a nice change of pace.”</p><p>Ellie nodded awkwardly and fidgeted a bit, kicking at something invisible with her shoe.</p><p>“So..?” Cat was staring at her.</p><p>“Uh…”</p><p>“Well, I assume you didn’t come here to see me.”</p><p>“Oh, no. I uh, I’m going to build something and I came here to get some supplies and maybe see about getting some help with a proper design.” </p><p>She said this last part quickly, hoping that Cat wouldn’t offer her assistance.</p><p>“Okay, what are you planning to build? I can probably help.”</p><p>Shit.</p><p>“It’s a vertical garden. It needs to be a decent size so there’s enough space for several plants.” She hesitated, “I also want it to be pretty.”</p><p>Cat chuckled, “A pretty planter box?”</p><p>“It’s a vertical garden!” Ellie rubbed the back of her neck, “It’s for Dina. I know winter is coming so she can’t use it for a while, but I wasn’t sure how long it would take to design it, gather the materials, and actually complete the build.”</p><p>Cat grinned, “I’m really happy for you, Ellie.”</p><p>Oh. So she <em> hadn’t </em>heard.</p><p>“We’re actually broken up, so...” Ellie continued, “Um, we have a son and we still hang out sometimes because of him, but we’re broken up.”</p><p>“Shit. I’m sorry to hear that. I know how much you loved her.”</p><p>Ellie shrugged, “Yeah, well...shit happens, I guess.”</p><p>“That it does, my friend.” Cat gestured to the bench next to her, “Well, get over here. Let’s get to work.”</p><p>Ellie hesitated. The bench was small and she hadn’t been that close to Cat since they’d broken up years earlier.</p><p>“Ellie, for fuck’s sake. I’ve seen you naked. Surely you can sit next to me.”</p><p>That made Ellie laugh hard enough that she soon forgot any feelings of awkwardness. Cat’s humor had been the thing Ellie liked best when they were together. She was funny and understanding and she was exactly the kind of person who would help their ex-girlfriend design a gift for <em> her </em>ex-girlfriend.</p><p>They worked on designs for a while until Cat told Ellie that she had to get back to work, but she asked if they could meet up the following night to do some more planning. Ellie hesitated, knowing that she usually went to Dina’s on Wednesday nights, but figured that since she was working on a gift for Dina, it was okay if she skipped one night. She decided then that she wouldn’t tell Dina who she was going to be with when she told her she was busy. Ellie told herself that she just didn’t want Dina to know she would be with Cat because she didn’t want to spoil the surprise, but deep down she knew that it was because she was nervous about how Dina would react.</p><p>Dina had never liked Cat, and had taken it upon herself to tell Ellie on more than one occasion that they were wrong for each other. Despite the fact that Dina seemed to go out of her way to be unfriendly, Cat was still just as sweet to Dina as she was with everyone else. That was just Cat’s way.</p><p>—</p><p>The following evening, Ellie arrived at the Tipsy Bison to find that it was more populated than she had seen it in a while and her first impulse was to leave. Through her time spent at the Bison, at work, and at other town events, Ellie had slowly started to become more comfortable in crowds of people, but it still made her uncomfortable. The constant noise, the scraping sounds as chairs were pulled out, shrieks of laughter, body heat, the strange looks, and prying questions, all of it was too much. </p><p>Ellie situated herself on her usual barstool and was grateful when Tawny came over to her almost immediately and set a glass down in front of her. </p><p>Tawny placed a hand on Ellie’s arm and winked at her, “Hey handsome, how’s it goin’?” </p><p>Ellie smiled as she brought the glass to her lips, “Give it a rest, Tawny.”</p><p>“But if I give it a rest, how will you ever get the hint that I’m madly in love with you?” </p><p>Tawny’s wide brown eyes looked sincere but there was a small smile playing at the corner of her lips.</p><p>“You are <em> not </em> in love with me.”</p><p>“No, but you seem like the type of girl who would need to hear that before you’d be willing to sleep with me.”</p><p>“Oh my God. Seriously?”</p><p>When their laughter subsided, Tawny glanced around the room to see if anyone was looking and then swiftly tugged Ellie’s drink out of her hand and took a sip.</p><p>“Hey! That’s mine.”</p><p>“Actually, technically it’s still mine because you haven’t paid for it yet.”</p><p>Ellie rolled her eyes and snatched the glass back, “If you want to sleep with me so bad, you should just give it to me for free. Maybe I’d consider it.” </p><p>“Nothing is free babe,” Tawny smirked a little,  “And I don’t want to sleep with you <em> that </em>badly.”</p><p>“I’m seriously not worth the price of a drink?” Ellie contorted her face in mock despair.</p><p>Tawny smacked Ellie’s arm “That remains to be seen, you flirt,” another wink, “Let me know if you need anything else, El.”</p><p>Ellie liked the way she felt with Tawny. It was simple and easy, and if Tawny knew the darker details of Ellie’s past, she never allowed that to affect their friendship. Every other relationship in Ellie’s life was marred by tragedy and drama, but this was uncomplicated. On the nights that she wasn’t with Dina and JJ she would usually be here where she would attempt to draw or write a little in her journal. It was a lot better than being alone in her little garage with Joel's house looming large over it.</p><p>Sometimes Tommy was around when she came in and they would share a drink and catch up, but mostly Ellie would have a few drinks by herself and chat with Tawny. Tawny didn’t seem eager to share many details about her own past and she rarely asked Ellie about hers. Conversation was usually light and playfully flirtatious between the two of them. Ellie liked it that way.</p><p>On more than one occasion, Ellie had allowed herself to indulge in a game of “what if?” If things were different, Tawny was exactly the type of girl she would go for. The only problem was that Ellie didn’t know if she could ever love anyone else the way she loved Dina, so she didn’t see the point in trying. She’d already put Cat through the experience of being second-best to Dina and she didn’t want to do that to anyone else. </p><p>Ellie would never have admitted this, but Tawny reminded her a little bit of how Dina had been when they were younger. It was the way that she was so damn likable and flirted with everyone so shamelessly that you could never tell if she was serious. Whether or not Tawny was serious when she flirted with Ellie didn’t really matter, it just felt good to be flirted with, to feel like someone enjoyed her presence and found her worth wanting, even if it was all just a joke.</p><p>Ellie sipped her drink and stared down into her journal at the drawings she’d attempted but scribbled out and the poems she’d started and couldn’t finish.</p><p>
  <strike> <em> “I’ll always be searching for you, </em> </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike> <em> As distant as the moon. </em> </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike> <em> I’ll pull apart my tender heart. </em> </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike> <em> As if you ---- too.”</em></strike>
</p><p>That one was bad.<strike></strike></p><p> </p><p>
  <strike><em>“I felt your lips, </em> </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike> <em> A butterfly’s kiss. </em> </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike> <em> Wings --- to the --- of you.”</em></strike>
</p><p>She wasn’t even sure where she’d been going with that one.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“Dandelion don’t you blow away,</em>
</p><p>
  <em> I know the wind is shifting </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Daylight always fades. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> If your love is fleeting, </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I’d have you anyway. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> So Dandelion, won’t you blow my way?”</em>
</p><p>That was...not great, but better.</p><p> </p><p>The words never came out right anymore, but she was determined to keep trying. Her attempt to relearn guitar was slow going and without music, she needed to have <em> something </em>. That was another thing that confused her: she knew that Dina had gone all the way to their old house to get Ellie’s guitar, but Dina had lied and said that she was there picking up other things. Why was Dina unwilling to admit that she’d wanted to do something nice for her?</p><p>Ellie heard the door open and when she turned to look, she was greeted by Cat smiling brightly at her as she walked up to the bar. </p><p>Cat gave Ellie a quick kiss on the cheek and pulled up a stool, “Hey doll, what are you drinking?” </p><p>Ellie raised her glass which was nearly empty and said “Just whiskey.”</p><p>"Ellie, that shit is gross.”</p><p>“Eh, it grew on me. Joel liked it a lot.”</p><p>At the sound of Joel’s name Cat’s eyes softened a little. Ellie hated to be pitied.</p><p>Staring into her glass she said, “Cat, please don’t do that.”</p><p>“Do what?”</p><p>“I’m trying really hard to work on not being sad when I talk about him. He deserves that, you know.” Smiling a little she continued, “I can’t do that if you’re going to look at me all soft whenever I say his name.”</p><p>Cat smiled and punched Ellie’s arm, “You’re annoying, but I’m proud of you, Williams.”</p><p>“Yeah, yeah” Ellie waved away the compliment, blushing a little.</p><p>Before Cat could respond, Tawny came over to them with a warm smile.</p><p>“Hey, I’m Tawny, what are you having?”</p><p>Ellie could feel Cat straighten up beside her, and she grinned to herself. Ellie understood; Tawny was gorgeous and she usually had that effect on people.</p><p>“I’m Cat, and I’d like whatever beer you guys have back there.”</p><p>Tawny leaned over the bar so that her face was inches from theirs, “We actually have some shit Seth brewed himself and it’s surprisingly pretty good.”</p><p>Cat shifted a little beside Ellie, “Well, he <em> is </em>the town homophobe. How do I know it’s not poisoned?”</p><p>This confirmed Ellie’s suspicions. Cat wanted Tawny to know that she was gay.</p><p>“Well, be that as it may, he probably wouldn’t want to poison the rest of the town to get to you.” She winked a little, “Besides, it’s this one you should worry about” she gestured to Ellie and sauntered away.</p><p>As soon as Tawny was out of earshot, Cat turned to look at Ellie, “Do you know her?”</p><p>“Mhm, I come here a lot so we talk. She’s cool.”</p><p>“Is she..?”</p><p>Ellie laughed, “Yes, she is. If you want, I can put in a good word for you.”</p><p>Cat smirked, "Tell her how good I am in bed."</p><p>Flushing a little, Ellie said "I mean...if you want me to lie..."</p><p>Scowling, Cat punched Ellie's arm, "That's not what you were saying before..."</p><p>Ellie rolled her eyes, "You kind of suck, but I can make some shit up about you. I can be convincing"</p><p>Cat placed one hand on her chest and widened her eyes, “You would do that for me?”</p><p>“Anything.”</p><p>Cat gave Ellie's hand a quick squeeze and then glanced at the journal, “Here,” she grabbed the pen from Ellie’s hand and flipped to a clean piece of paper. </p><p>Ellie had always loved watching Cat draw. Watching her now, reminded Ellie that Cat's talent was just one of the things that had made her fall for Cat in the first place. She had loved being with her and in a world without Dina, Cat was someone that Ellie could have ended up with. Except, there <em> was </em>Dina and eventually Ellie had been unable to conceal her feelings.</p><p>Their breakup was amicable but Cat made it clear that she was ending their relationship because of Ellie’s obvious feelings for Dina. Cat was such a genuinely kind person that after dumping Ellie, she had given her a gentle pat on the cheek and told her to stop wasting time and go after Dina. It seemed impossible then that Dina would ever look at Ellie that way when she could have had anyone. It still kind of felt that way now.</p><p>There in the Tipsy Bison, Ellie watched contentedly as Cat sketched out a few ideas for the vertical garden Ellie wanted to build. Each design was more beautiful than the last, and it still amazed Ellie that creating beautiful things seemed to come so effortlessly to her. </p><p>“These are amazing, Cat.”</p><p>Cat just shrugged and said, “If there’s anything you don’t like, feel free to tweak it.”</p><p>Ellie took the pen and made slight adjustments to the designs as she tried to choose one.</p><p>“I think she’s going to like this a lot.”</p><p>Cat laughed a little, “Good. Just, maybe don’t tell her it was me who helped you.”</p><p>“Shit, I didn’t even think about that.”</p><p>“I hadn’t either, until I noticed her over there.”</p><p>Cat shifted her eyes to the other side of the room where Ellie saw Dina sitting with a group of people she didn’t know.</p><p>Fuck. Ellie really, really didn’t need Dina to see her sitting with her ex-girlfriend right now.</p><p>"Oh shit. Should I go say hello?”</p><p>“Up to you, man. Do you want to?”</p><p>“Not really. I don’t know those people.”</p><p>“Then wave.”</p><p>“I’m not...really a waver.”</p><p>Cat snorted a little, “Ellie, what the fuck is a waver? Just wave so you can stop staring at her like a weirdo.”</p><p>Ellie caught Dina’s eye and waved cheerfully at her. The smile Dina gave her in return seemed a little forced, and Ellie couldn’t help but notice the guy sitting next to her who was looking at Dina as if he couldn’t believe that he got to be so close to her. Ellie remembered that feeling. How good it had felt anytime she was chosen by Dina. It kind of pissed her off to see someone else look at Dina that way.</p><p>When she turned back to face forward, she noticed that Cat was drinking a beer with one hand and sketching something else with her other. Ellie had been so distracted that she hadn’t even heard Tawny come by to drop the drink off.</p><p>Cat stared at Ellie for a moment and said, “Well? Aren’t you going to tell me what’s up with you two?”</p><p>Ellie sighed and filled Cat in as best she could without discussing California in depth. How badly things went in Seattle, how depressed Ellie had been at the farm, and then the way she'd walked out on her family, only to come back to Jackson pining away for a woman who couldn’t make up her mind.</p><p>Cat listened thoughtfully while Ellie spoke, never interrupting her. When Ellie was done talking, she exhaled deeply and drained her glass.</p><p>“Ellie, she doesn’t deserve you.” Cat said this so plainly that she could have been telling her the time.</p><p>“Come on, Cat.”</p><p>“She’s playing weird games and I don’t like it.”</p><p>“Maybe, but I don’t think she <em> knows </em>that she’s playing games.”</p><p>“What the hell does <em> that </em> matter? Whether she knows or not is beside the point. She’s hurting you.”</p><p>Ellie just shrugged. Maybe she deserved it. </p><p>“I know you think that you deserve this, but you don’t. You made a mistake. So now she gets to decide whether she’s going to forgive you or move on. She doesn’t get to keep you on the hook.”</p><p>How did Cat always manage to read her so well? It was uncanny.</p><p>Ellie sighed, “I love her, Cat.”</p><p>Cat shrugged, “I know. You always did.” Ellie would never understand how Cat could be so cool and unbothered about things like this, but she had always admired that quality in her.</p><p>Ellie groaned, “What do I do, now?”</p><p>“You decide if you’re willing to give her more time to figure her shit out or if you’re ready to move on.”</p><p>“Yeah, but we have JJ…” Ellie knew that no matter how things worked out with Dina, she would not leave JJ behind ever again.</p><p>“Normal exes just split time with their kids. He’d be with you some days and with her on others.”</p><p>She knew that Cat was right, but she wanted to give JJ a family, and if she couldn’t do that for him she knew that the current arrangement was the next best thing. Ellie was almost able to convince herself that JJ was the only reason that she didn’t want to put more distance between herself and Dina, but she could see that Cat wasn’t convinced at all.</p><p>"Whatever, let's get fucked up."</p><p>After another hour or so, they were ready to leave, but Ellie Cat was drunk enough that Ellie didn't trust her to get home safely on her own. As they exited the Bison, Cat seemed to be having trouble walking in a straight line, so she slipped her arm through Ellie’s and allowed Ellie to lead her home. She slurred the whole way home about Ellie had to remember to tell Tawny how good she was in bed.</p><p>--</p><p>Ellie was a little disappointed when she got to Dina’s house the following night only for Dina to tell her that JJ was with his grandparent's for the night so that they could finish getting ready for the party. She hadn’t seen him in a few days and missed him. Her potato. </p><p>She was still in awe of JJ. He was so perfect that she couldn’t believe that <em> she </em> had been entrusted to take part in his raising. It was <em> her </em> responsibility to work with Dina to turn this beautiful little boy into a good man. She worried that she was going to fuck him up and she wished that Joel was around to guide her.</p><p>This was also her first time seeing Dina since the sort of kiss and she was nervous to be alone with her. They hadn't discussed it at all and Ellie wasn’t sure how things would be between them.</p><p>“Hey, put something on the player and I’ll get us something to drink.”</p><p>Okay, so they were going to pretend that things were normal. Cool, Ellie could do that.</p><p>She walked over to the record player and flipped through the box of vinyl for a few moments. Careful not to choose anything romantic for fear that it would seem like she was expecting something to happen between them. Ellie hated the way she felt the need to second guess everything between herself and Dina, when being with her used to be the easiest thing in the world. Eventually, Ellie recognized one of her own records that must have gotten mixed up with Dina’s things and decided that it would be a good choice.</p><p>
  <em> “One, two, three, four… </em>
</p><p>
  <em> One, two... </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Let me tell you how it will be…” </em>
</p><p>“Good choice, Ellie.” Dina smiled brightly and held out a drink for her to take.</p><p>Ellie tapped her glass against Dina’s and said “Okay, so what do we need to do?”</p><p>“Alright, I’m going to hang up those dinosaurs…” Her voice trailed off, both of them remembering the night that they’d worked on the dinosaur decorations and what had come next. “So, I’ll do that, and then would you mind blowing up these balloons?”</p><p>“Where the hell did you get balloons?”</p><p>“Surprisingly, Maria gave them to me. I guess someone brought them back on a supply run a while ago, I’m not sure.” Dina shrugged and held them out to Ellie.</p><p>They didn’t talk much as they worked, which was fine with Ellie because she couldn’t even begin to think of what to say. </p><p>Neither of them said a word through the entire second side of the record she’d chosen, and it wasn’t until Ellie finally made her way over to the turntable to put on something else that Dina called out from another room, “Hey, Ellie, can you come help me?”</p><p>Ellie changed course and strode into the kitchen where Dina was calling her name. Dina was on a kitchen chair on her tiptoes, straining to hang decorations from the ceiling.</p><p>Grinning Ellie said, “Oh, you’re asking me for help because I’m so tall, right? Like, way taller than you.”</p><p>Dina groaned, “You don’t <em> deserve </em> to be tall if you’re going to be such an ass about it.” She jumped down from the chair and held the dinosaurs out to Ellie, “Just help me.”</p><p>Ellie stepped onto the chair and gave Dina an annoyingly superior smile. Dina just rolled her eyes and smacked Ellie’s arm.</p><p>Ellie reached down for the dinosaurs, “Be nice!” </p><p>“Never.” Dina replied, “And hurry up, because you have a lot more to hang up in here.”</p><p>When all of the dinosaurs were dangling from the ceiling and Dina was happy with the way it all looked, Ellie jumped down from the chair and spread her arms wide, taking a step toward Dina.</p><p>“Well?”</p><p>“Well, what?”</p><p>“Aren’t you going to thank me for saving your ass? What would you have done without me?” Ellie waggled her eyebrows, enjoying the banter between the two of them. It almost felt normal.</p><p>“Well, JJ is one. He wouldn’t have cared whether or not he had dinosaurs hanging from the ceiling.” Dina smirked a little, “I would have just skipped them.”</p><p>Ellie scowled, “Can’t a girl get some gratitude around here?”</p><p>Dina cocked her head and smiled sweetly up at her, “Gratitude for what?” </p><p>“For my humor, my wit -”</p><p>Dina interrupted, “Humor and wit are kind of the same thing - ”</p><p>Ellie continued as if she hadn’t spoken, “MY WIT, and for so graciously coming to your aid just now.”</p><p>Dina raised an eyebrow and stepped closer to Ellie.</p><p>“This is you being gracious?”</p><p>“More or less." She shrugged, "If I don’t hype myself up, who will?”</p><p>“You know, not to get all mushy,” Dina sighed dramatically as if it hurt her to pay Ellie a compliment, “I really do appreciate how much you‘ve been helping out.”</p><p>Ellie could feel her cheeks reddening, “See, was that so hard?”</p><p>Dina huffed, “Don’t get used to it.”</p><p>“I wouldn’t dare. You live to give me a hard time.”</p><p>“True,” Dina sounded thoughtful, “I should still be better about not taking you for granted, though. You don’t have to do any of this.”</p><p>“Yeah, I do.” Ellie found Dina’s eyes and gazed into them, “You two are…” Ellie faltered.</p><p>Dina watched her patiently waiting for her to continue.</p><p>“You guys are my family.” Ellie almost stopped there but decided to finish her thought, “I never should have left you to deal with all of this by yourself.”</p><p>Dina took another step toward her and then they were standing so close that their chests were nearly touching.</p><p>“Yeah?” Dina sounded close to tears and that made Ellie ache with guilt.</p><p>“Yeah...I know you told me not to apologize anymore, so -"</p><p>Dina interrupted, "You can apologize."</p><p>Laughing, Ellie said "Good. D, I'm sorry for leaving and I wish more than anything that I could redo that day. I left you with a lot of shit to deal with."</p><p>Sniffling a little Dina said, “<em>And </em>I thought you were dead.”</p><p>“That too.” Ellie smiled sadly, “You know, if we were in the old world I would have sent you...a letter or something. They did that, right?”</p><p>Dina smiled, “I wouldn’t know. I would have liked a letter, though. I’ve never gotten one.”</p><p>“I can write you one if you want.”</p><p>Dina looked up at her, “Ellie, we see each other almost every day. What else could you possibly have to say?”</p><p>Ellie swallowed hard, “There’s...a lot I’d like to say.”</p><p>Placing a hand on Ellie’s arm, Dina replied, “I think that I might finally be ready to listen.”</p><p>Ellie felt her breath catch.</p><p>“Okay...”</p><p>Dina reached up to stroke the back of Ellie’s neck. Ellie felt a rush of excitement, but she was hesitant to respond to the touch.They’d done this just days before and then Dina had rejected her, and this time Ellie wasn’t sure that she would be able to accept the rejection without getting angry.</p><p>Then abruptly, <em> finally, </em> Dina pressed her lips to Ellie’s. </p><p>Ellie was caught off guard at first, green eyes wide open as she tried to make sense of Dina’s lips on hers, but eventually she leaned into the kiss and wrapped her arms around Dina’s waist.</p><p>
  <em> Holy shit, finally.</em>
</p><p>When they broke apart, Ellie scanned Dina’s face, wondering what she would find there. </p><p>Impatiently, Dina pulled her in for another kiss, harder this time, more sure of herself. </p><p>How had Ellie forgotten how good it was to kiss Dina? How <em> much </em>it was. </p><p>Every part of her body responded to the feel of Dina’s lips. Her breath quickened, her heart raced, and goosebumps bloomed all over her skin. There was a familiar throbbing between her legs and a desperate need for Dina’s touch. </p><p>Emboldened by Dina’s brazenness, Ellie whispered “I want you so bad..” </p><p>Dina moaned against Ellie’s mouth.</p><p>Tightening her arms around Dina’s waist, Ellie found the courage to ask, “Do you want me?”</p><p>She found herself overwhelmed by the need for reassurance that she was still someone worth wanting.That she could ever again be someone Dina could want.</p><p>Dina didn’t speak, but instead ran her tongue along Ellie’s bottom lip and reached for the button of Ellie’s jeans, tugging until the button came undone.</p><p>Ellie shifted a little, trying to press herself against Dina’s hand, but she was met with a smirk as the hand was pulled away, coming to rest on Ellie’s face.</p><p>Then there was just a warm hand in hers, pulling her upstairs.</p><p>--</p><p>“Holy shit.”</p><p>“Yeah, that was…”</p><p>“I think I lost count.”</p><p>“I think I forgot <em> how </em>to count.”</p><p>They laughed together in a way that they hadn’t in nearly a year: intimate, easy, and so close together that Ellie could count every freckle on Dina’s face. Ellie had completely forgotten the way it felt to be this close with their bare skin pressed together, bodies slick with sweat, and limbs tangled up in each other.</p><p>Ellie kissed Dina softly, still tasting herself on Dina’s tongue,“Thank you.”</p><p>Dina laughed, “Thank you? For what?”</p><p>Instead of answering the question, Ellie murmured “I really missed this.” She ran her fingers through Dina’s dark hair and gently massaged her scalp, feeling immensely grateful that she was finally allowed to touch Dina this way after so many months.</p><p>“Yeah, me too.”</p><p>Dina shifted so that she was laying with most of her body on top of Ellie’s. </p><p>Gently, turning Ellie's face so that she could find those green eyes in the dark, Dina whispered, “Will you stay?”</p><p>“Do you want me to?”</p><p>“I do.”</p><p>“Then I’ll stay.”</p><p>They laid that way for a long time. Not speaking, preferring to communicate by touch alone.</p><p>“D…” Ellie said as she traced Dina’s spine with calloused fingertips.</p><p>“Mmm?” Dina was leaving a trail of soft kisses along the length of Ellie’s collarbone. Ellie almost forgot to speak.</p><p>“What now?”</p><p>Dina silenced Ellie with a kiss on her lips. “We’ll figure it out later. For now, let’s just have this, okay?”</p><p>Ellie didn’t answer her, instead, she just continued caressing every part of Dina's body that was within her reach. Enjoying the familiar curve of Dina's spine, the muscles in her back, the scar from Lev's arrow. </p><p>They were quiet for long enough that Ellie began drifting off to sleep, comforted by the feeling of Dina in her arms.</p><p>“Ellie, can I ask you a question?”</p><p>Without opening her eyes, Ellie murmured “Mmm?” </p><p>“You and Cat..?”</p><p>Ellie chuckled with her eyes still shut, “No. It’s nothing like that.”</p><p>“What about the bartender?”</p><p>At this, Ellie rolled onto her side and opened her eyes so that they were face to face, “Dina, no. There is no one else. Just you.”</p><p>Dina stared back at her until she seemed satisfied that Ellie was being honest.</p><p>Dina traced the new scar on Ellie’s side, feeling the scar tissue where the wound hadn’t healed properly.</p><p>“How did this happen?”</p><p>Ellie sighed, “California.”</p><p>“Oh.” </p><p>Ellie kissed Dina’s forehead, “It’s a long story, but not now, okay?” Ellie didn’t want to talk about California and the events of the past year. She didn’t want to allow any space between them for all of the things that had torn them apart.</p><p>In the darkness, Ellie could just barely make out a few stray tears on Dina’s cheeks. </p><p>Ellie wiped them away with her thumb. “Hey, what is it?”</p><p>“I was so afraid…”</p><p>“Dina, I told you. There is no one else. There will never be anyone else.”</p><p>“No…” Dina choked back a sob, “I was afraid that I’d never see you again.”</p><p>Ellie’s own eyes filled with tears, “Baby, I am...I am so sorry for putting you through that.”</p><p>“What if things can’t go back?” Dina’s voice was small, scared.</p><p>Sounding more confident than she felt, Ellie said simply, “Then we’ll build something new.”</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Sorry that this took so much longer than usual. I had a lot of decisions to make regarding plot and then a lot of editing to do to make this flow a bit better.</p><p>Also, "I Want to Tell You" by the Beatles is an underrated bop and she deserves better.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Beautiful Boy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The one where JJ turns one.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Ellie sat naked at the edge of Dina’s bed, scanning the room in the dim morning light as the sun made a lazy trek into the sky. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was hard to believe that she was really here in Dina’s room, when just the previous day it would have seemed impossible. Somehow, she had actually gotten to wake up next to Dina, and she had actually slept through a night. She could hardly remember the last time either of those things had happened.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Although Ellie had tried to be quiet when she got up, the feeling of Ellie slipping away had pulled Dina from her own sleep. Dina stretched her arms with a groan and then reached out to stroke Ellie’s freckled back, admiring the muscles there as they responded to her touch.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dina’s voice was still thick with sleep, “Why are you over there?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie glanced over her shoulder and smiled softly, “I didn’t mean to disturb you. I’m sorry.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dina shook her head, “That’s okay. I should get up soon, anyway.” She stretched again, raising her arms over her head and then allowing them to fall onto her pillow, framing her face. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie wasn’t sure that she had ever been more in love with Dina than she was at that moment.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Those big brown eyes that Ellie loved so much gazed softly at her as Dina said “I’m glad you’re here.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie laid down again and lifted her arm so that Dina </span>
  <span>could snuggle into the crook of her neck, all while grinning so hard that it made her face ache. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She decided to press her luck a little, “So, now what?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know…” Dina reached out and began tracing little circles on Ellie’s stomach, “I just know that I want to keep doing this.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie nodded even though she wasn’t sure that Dina could see it. She could live with leaving things undefined as long as she knew that Dina didn’t want it to end.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She couldn’t think of anything else to say, so she changed the subject to the other thing that was on her mind, “How many people are coming today?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Probably a lot,” Dina sounded casual, “You know how it is. People are always looking for any reason to celebrate around here.” Dina never minded big parties and celebrations, she was always the life of any party, and that had been one of the things that had made Ellie fall in love with her. They were just so different. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie was known for being aloof, resourceful, brave and more than a little reckless. She was usually friendly enough, but didn’t suffer fools gladly, and didn’t have patience for people who were weak or unable to take care of the things that needed to be taken care of. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dina was warm, friendly, and vivacious. She was incredibly capable in any fight, but she was so exciting and warm that everyone always gravitated to her. Dina had told Ellie once that she was proud to be Jewish because it meant that she came from a long line of survivors, and that had made Ellie wonder if any of those survivors had managed to do so as joyfully as Dina did. That was one of the things that made Ellie most wish that she had met Dina’s sister Talia: she wanted to know if Dina was a fluke, or if those qualities of hers could somehow be replicated.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Over all of their years of friendship, their single year as lovers, and the last seven months of being...whatever this was, they had grown to be incredibly in tune with each other’s needs and moods. When they were teenagers Dina could always see it in Ellie’s face when she was ready to leave a bonfire, and when they had been fighting their way to Seattle Ellie had known that something was wrong with Dina, even though she would never have guessed that the something “wrong” would turn out to be JJ.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And now, sensing Ellie’s nerves about JJ’s party, Dina raised herself up on one elbow to find Ellie’s eyes, “Is that okay?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Nodding slowly, Ellie sighed “Yeah, yeah. It is. I just…” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dina looked at her thoughtfully, “What is it?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m just still trying to get used to being around so many people. When I was gone…” Her voice trailed off.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“When you were gone, I guess you wouldn’t have run into many people, huh?” Dina always, always understood. Ellie had missed that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, not unless they were a group of lunatics who were trying to kill me.” She said this with a  little laugh, but she could feel that her body was noticeably tense now.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Knowing that there was more on her mind, Dina said “What else?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie shrugged a little, “I guess I haven’t socialized much since I got back, so people just kinda stare at me like they want to ask me questions but they’re afraid I’ll kick their asses.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dina laughed at that, “There are probably more than one or two people in Jackson who actually are in danger of one of your ass-kickings.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie managed to laugh a little in response but she couldn’t help thinking about how it would feel to be stared at by the dozens of people, how she wouldn’t know how to act around Dina’s friends, how none of her own friends were going to be there because her only two friends were women Dina disliked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey…” Dina murmured as she settled a hand on Ellie’s bare chest, “You are an enigma, you know that?” Her voice was serious now, “I have never met anyone quite like you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh yeah?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Definitely, I mean, I have watched you do some of the craziest and bravest shit.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Scoffing, Ellie replied, “Craziest? Don’t you mean, badass?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nope, crazy, and kinda dumb, too.” Dina pecked her on the cheek, “You’re fearless.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I am not fearless.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Unbothered, Dina went on,“Then you’re just crazy, I guess.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dina went quiet then, seemingly lost in thought, “You know, maybe pretending they’re a pack of clickers would make you feel more comfortable.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie nodded slowly, “So you want me to shoot JJ’s guests?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hmm, maybe one or two of ‘em.” Dina snuggled closer to her, “But just the ones who don’t bring JJ anything good.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Flashing a quick thumbs up, Ellie said, “Got it boss. I’ll inspect each package and execute anyone who brings something unsatisfactory.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Another quick kiss and a squeeze, “My hero.” That made Ellie feel warm inside. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They were quiet for a while, watching as light slowly filled the little bedroom, knowing that it meant that Ellie would have to leave soon.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ellie…” Dina sounded hesitant, “At the party today...can we be...discreet?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Oh. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“If that’s what you want.” Ellie would oblige if Dina didn’t want anyone to know that they were....whatever they were, but she couldn’t hide the hurt in her voice.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey…” Dina placed an open-mouthed kiss on Ellie’s shoulder, “I’m happy that this happened. I just don’t want to make it a </span>
  <em>
    <span>thing</span>
  </em>
  <span> until you and I have actually talked about it first, okay?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie nodded slowly, feeling Dina’s breath gentle against her neck, “I just don’t want to ruin it.” She sounded sincere, but it still hurt a little. “It’s been so long...I want this to belong to us until we know what it is, you know?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I understand.” Ellie kissed Dina’s forearm and tried to sound more optimistic than she felt. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She didn’t know how to express her fear that when she left Dina’s bed, they would go back to the way they were before: within arms reach of each other without getting close enough to touch. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>What if Dina regretted the night they’d spent together? What if she didn’t?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When they had been quiet for a while, Dina asked “Hey, did you sleep well?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie smiled weakly, “Better than I have in months, I think.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Mmm, good sex will do that to you.” Dina brushed one of Ellie’s nipples with her thumb.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie’s pale chest was rising and falling more rapidly now, “Just good?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Possibly better than good.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Possibly?” Ellie teased, “You aren’t sure?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie shivered when Dina took one of her nipples into her mouth.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Let’s see if we can’t do better.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>—</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie felt hope rising in her chest as she walked home from Dina’s house. They’d kissed, they’d had sex, and </span>
  <em>
    <span>then</span>
  </em>
  <span> once they’d gotten that out of their systems, they’d made love. She wasn’t sure if that meant that she’d been forgiven, but it felt like a start. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Enjoying the chill of the morning air, Ellie thought that she could still feel the warmth of Dina’s body on hers. It had been </span>
  <em>
    <span>perfect</span>
  </em>
  <span>. The playful banter, Dina’s moans in her ear, and then a night spent sleeping in each other’s arms without any clothes to act as a barrier between them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There had also been this morning, when Dina had essentially asked her to keep it a secret that they were...what exactly? It wasn’t as if Ellie had planned to announce to everyone that they were sleeping together again, and Dina should have known that. So why the push for secrecy? Why did Dina feel the need to specify?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The sun was fully up in the sky now, and Ellie knew that she would only have time to shower and change before she needed to get back to Dina’s house to help with last minute preparations and spend some time with JJ before guests showed up. Just the three of them. Her family.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie was barely aware of her walk home as she juggled all of these thoughts in her mind. She waved distractedly to the few people she passed on the street, but mostly her feet just glided along on autopilot. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Fumbling with her keys, she glanced up as she moved to unlock her front door, and saw something moving in the corner of her eye. She turned to look and saw a gray ball of fur with yellow eyes staring at her from a spot about halfway between her house and Joel’s.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Holy fuck. Tofu, is that you?” She said this loudly enough that the cat panicked and bolted in the toward Joel’s house.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie sighed as she unlocked the door, “He’s not there, man.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She tossed her coat onto a nearby chair as she stepped inside, and walked straight to the little kitchenette and opened the refrigerator. Ellie shook her head at herself as she dumped some leftover chicken into a bowl and headed back outside. She didn’t like cats, was never particularly interested in this cat, and here she was wasting food on him. But this cat had kind of belonged to Joel and this felt like something nice she could do for him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The morning grass was still wet with dew as she crossed the lawn and approached Joel’s house, where she wasn’t surprised to see Tofu sitting patiently by the front door, as if he was waiting for Joel to come out and serve him his breakfast. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As if it hadn’t been nearly two years since Joel had done anything but lay decomposing in the Jackson cemetery. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It hurt to think of Joel there, alone in the ground, laying motionless forever when he had once been so very alive. It hurt to consider what Joel would think of her if he could see her now. He’d taught her about loyalty, courage, and hard work, and she had let him down. She’d made a family and then she’d walked out on them. He would be ashamed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Standing in the shadow of his house, she realized that this was the closest she’d been to it in two years. Usually she averted her eyes as she walked by it and refused to go inside for any reason. The proximity made her heart race. The tips of her fingers felt sweaty and her lips had gone numb. Still, she felt that this is what Joel would want her to do, so she held out the bowl for Tofu to see that it was food and slowly approached him. Those yellow eyes of his gazed directly into her own green ones as she set the bowl down walked away as quickly as she could without scaring Tofu away.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Once back inside her house, she collapsed, clutching her hand to her chest, trying to ground herself the way Dina had taught her. Thoughts and images were slamming through her mind, each more terrible than the last. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Joel, staring into her eyes as the golf club came down on his head for the last time. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Nora shrieking in pain as Ellie stood over her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Owen and Mel and their baby, all dead on the floor of the aquarium.</span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>Jesse with a hole in his face from Abby’s bullet. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Abby underwater fighting for just one more breath of air as Ellie watched the life leaving her eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She was a monster. She should be laying dead somewhere, decomposing in an unmarked grave. She deserved that. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When she could breathe again, she stepped into the shower to get clean, but no matter how hard she scrubbed she couldn’t shake the feeling that she would always be dirty.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>--</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When she arrived back at Dina’s house Ellie stood on the porch for a moment trying to shake off the residual anxiety and then let herself in as she had taken to doing over the last few weeks. She kicked off her boots and hung up her jacket while yelling, “Hey, D! Do you remember that old cat Joel used to…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She stopped short at the sight of a man standing just inside the front door. He looked familiar, but she couldn’t quite place him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Not caring if she sounded rude she said “Who are you?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The man smiled and held out a hand, “I’m Lee.” Ellie stared at the hand for a few seconds, before deciding to shake it. She’d just gotten back onto Dina’s good side and didn’t want to fuck it up by being an asshole to whoever this was.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She looked at him blankly, recognition blooming slowly in the back of her mind “You’re here like...three hours early.” Her voice sounded flat and dismissive.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The tips of his ears were turning red and he was beginning to fidget a little under her gaze, “Oh, yeah. Well Dina and I work together, and I told her that I might stop by early to help out.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So then, this was the guy who’d been staring at Dina when they were in the Bison. She hadn’t been able to get a good look at him there, but up close she could see that he was rather handsome, if a little plain. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie gestured at the cheerfully decorated house, “We’ve pretty much got that covered.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lee rubbed his hands together awkwardly, “So, you’re a friend of Dina’s?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She knew that he knew perfectly well who she was. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Uh, I guess so. I’m JJ’s other mom.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Right.” He smiled at her, “Yeah, Dina told me that her ex would be coming. It’s good that you guys are able to get along. For JJ, you know.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She didn’t like hearing her son’s name come out of this guy’s mouth, she didn’t like the way he was looking at her and she really didn’t like the way he’d been staring at Dina a few nights ago at the Bison. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sure.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When Ellie didn’t say anything else, Lee spoke again, “You’re Joel Miller’s kid, right?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So he </span>
  <em>
    <span>did</span>
  </em>
  <span> know who she was. Why the act?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah. Something like that.” She knew that she was being unfriendly and she wasn’t concerned about it in the least.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I knew him a little.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hm, he never mentioned you. Dina hasn’t either, actually.” She tilted her head as she looked at him, wanting him to see that she didn’t like him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lee just shrugged and offered her another smile. This time, the smile didn’t quite reach his eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Good.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Then, she remembered all of the progress she and Dina had made and how fragile it all still seemed to be. She decided that this goofball wasn’t the hill she was prepared to die on. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So she gritted her teeth and said “Why don’t you have a seat?” She gestured to the couch.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When Lee was seated and had a glass of water in hand, Ellie walked upstairs and headed straight to Dina’s bedroom. She was annoyed at having to be nice to that guy, but she felt good about the fact that at least she had done the thing Dina would have wanted her to do. She was tired of letting Dina down.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When Ellie made it to the top of the stairs and turned left for Dina’s room, she rapped on the door gently with the back of her hand. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, it’s me…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dina’s voice was muffled as she yelled something that sounded like an invitation to come in, so Ellie entered the room and shut the door behind her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dina was standing in front of her closet wearing underwear and a thin tank top as she searched for an outfit to wear. Ellie stared at the toned legs appreciatively, recalling the way they’d felt wrapped around her just a few hours earlier.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie sat cross-legged on the bed, trying to think of a tactful way to ask Dina about the fact that she had a man sitting on her living room couch. She didn’t want to pry, and she didn’t want Dina to see that she was jealous, but she had to know.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Trying to sound casual Ellie said “So...who was that guy?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dina looked over at her, clearly surprised, “What guy?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“There is a man in your living room. I think he said his name was Steve or Greg or something.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She remembered Lee’s name, but she wanted to gauge Dina’s reaction and see if she’d know who Ellie meant without hearing it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, you mean Lee?” Dina said this absently as she resumed her search in her closet looking for something to wear. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, that’s him. So you didn’t let him in?” Her voice sounded less casual now, and she hoped that Dina wouldn’t pick up on it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dina shrugged, “No, but I told him yesterday that if he got here early, he could just come in.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Weren’t you off yesterday?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dina nodded, still rifling through her closet.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So then, when..?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Seemingly wanting to change the subject, Dina pulled out two shirts, “Which one do you think?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie looked at Dina’s face for a moment and then considered the two shirts. “I like the green.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hmm, me too.” She tossed the shirt onto the bed and started rifling through the dresser for a matching pair of pants. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She was so beautiful that it almost hurt to look at her. Being so close to Dina in this way brought with it a rush of emotions: gratitude, relief, and hope. Each feeling crashing over her in its own separate wave, different, but just as overwhelming. She didn’t want to disturb Dina and she didn’t want to come off too strongly, but just being allowed to watch Dina </span>
  <em>
    <span>exist</span>
  </em>
  <span> again felt somehow freeing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Unable to help herself any longer, Ellie crossed the room and wrapped her arms around Dina’s waist. It was surreal that she was once again allowed to do this, that she could touch and kiss the woman she loved. She had once again been granted access to this part of Dina that no one else was allowed to have. Ellie had grown to take that for granted at one point, and she swore to herself then that she never would again. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dina looked up at her, searching Ellie’s eyes for a moment and then kissed her on the lips.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The corner of Dina’s lips twitched, trying to hold back a smile, “Are you...jealous?” Dina’s voice sounded playful, as though she were enjoying Ellie’s uncharacteristic possessiveness.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie’s face crumpled into a scowl. “Why would I be jealous?” She tried, and failed to sound as though she didn’t know what Dina could possibly be talking about.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dina kissed her again, “I don’t know. Why would you be?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie felt red blooming in her cheeks, “I just didn’t like the guy. I don’t like that he just let himself in here, either.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Pressing her lips to Ellie’s neck, Dina breathed gently against the pale skin,  “Are you gonna fight him?” She was teasing her now. Ellie liked it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No…” Ellie buried her face in Dina’s hair, “But I </span>
  <em>
    <span>could </span>
  </em>
  <span>kick his ass if I wanted to.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Running her hands along Ellie’s arms and gently feeling the lean muscle that filled them out, Dina murmured “Mm, I know you could...”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Or,” Dina slid her hands up the back of Ellie’s shirt, “you could save your strength for </span>
  <em>
    <span>after</span>
  </em>
  <span> the party.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh yeah?” Ellie could feel her heart racing and hoped that Dina wouldn’t notice.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah. Stay over tonight?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you sure?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Smirking a little, Dina reached for Ellie’s hand and slid it into her underwear, “Does it </span>
  <em>
    <span>feel </span>
  </em>
  <span>like I’m sure?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie raised her fingers to her mouth and licked them clean, then pressed her lips to Dina’s. “It </span>
  <em>
    <span>tastes</span>
  </em>
  <span> like you’re sure.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fuck”, Dina whispered against Ellie’s lips. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s kind of what I had in mind.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dina laughed, “Lee is downstairs.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Good,” Ellie kissed Dina, “Let him hear.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dina pushed her away gently, “Get out of here. I need to finish getting ready and you’re distracting me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Maybe I want to distract you.” Ellie took a step toward Dina.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nope, make yourself useful,” Dina smirked, “Go get your kid. He’s still with his grandparents.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie groaned, “I do </span>
  <em>
    <span>not </span>
  </em>
  <span>want to think about JJ when I’m trying to have sex with his mother.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Welcome to parenthood. Now, go!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>—</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Walking back to Dina’s house from picking JJ up from his grandparents banished any remaining anxiety from the panic attack she’d had earlier this morning. Holding him against her and enjoying the feel of him in her arms was more grounding than any breathing exercise.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Happy birthday, buddy.” Ellie gave JJ a squeeze and blew a raspberry against his chubby cheek, spinning around with him in her arms, just wanting to see him laugh. Then, when he burst into a peal of giggles she couldn’t help laughing with him. In these moments when she was alone with this boy, she could almost forget the reality of the world they had both been born into. A world where everything was uncertain, nothing was guaranteed, and tomorrow couldn’t be counted on.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Picking JJ up from his grandparents had been one of the few times Ellie had really interacted with them since returning to Jackson and she’d been thankful to have JJ there as a buffer. Occasionally, she would run into them as she arrived at Dina’s house just as they were leaving after having dropped JJ off, but there was never time for more than quick pleasantries.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Robin and Jerry had always been kind to her through her teenage years when she had been close to Jesse, and they had never been anything but kind to her in the aftermath of his death. Still, she felt ashamed in their presence, ashamed that their son had died trying to help Ellie and ashamed that they’d had to shoulder so much of the burden of carrying for her own family when she walked out. She made a mental note to do something for them, to thank them for being so good to Dina and JJ when she had failed them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Buddy, I think you’re gonna have fun at your party. Your friends from your daycare will be there…” she spun around again with him in her arms and finished, “</span>
  <em>
    <span>and</span>
  </em>
  <span> there’s going to be cake.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Responding to the enthusiasm in her tone, JJ replied equally enthusiastically with one of the few words he knew how to say: “Hi.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>JJ knew a handful of words now, but “Hi” was special to her because she had been there the first time he’d said it, and the memory of it had kept her smiling for the rest of that week.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Exactly! We’re gonna say hi to all of our friends, play nice, and party.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dina’s house was in sight now, and Ellie found herself wishing that it could just be the three of them together celebrating JJ’s first year of life. She also knew that she wanted a big celebration for JJ. She wanted him to be loved and celebrated by everyone who knew him. He was that special.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I wish your grandpa Joel could be here. You’re named after him, you know. He would have </span>
  <em>
    <span>loved </span>
  </em>
  <span>you, spud. Maybe I’ll take you to see him someday.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She admitted something to JJ that she hadn’t told anyone, “To be honest, I haven't even gone to visit him since I’ve been back. I keep wanting to but I’m not sure what to say to him, you know?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>JJ touched her lips with one little hand, and babbled softly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re such a good listener. Your mom is like that, too. That’s one of the reasons I fell in love with her.” She kissed JJ’s forehead, “I’m </span>
  <em>
    <span>still</span>
  </em>
  <span> in love with her, you know?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>—</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie hadn’t really thought about what a toddler’s birthday party would actually be like, but she was unpleasantly surprised to find that they are very noisy and very, very boring. She hadn’t invited either of her only two friends to the party because Dina wasn’t fond of either of them, so was alone she leaning against a wall, drinking a cup of punch, wishing that she could be literally anywhere else. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She thought of a basement full of clickers she’d fought on the way to California. Maybe even that would be better than standing awkwardly in a room full of tiny partygoers and their parents. At least with clickers you knew what you were going to get, but boring people who wanted to ogle at you when they thought you weren’t looking were a complete wild card.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dina was busy playing host and socializing with all of their guests, and Ellie was happy for her. It felt good to see Dina laughing, dancing, socializing, and entertaining people the way she’d always been so good at doing. In another life, Dina would have been an entertainer, Ellie just knew it. She was magnetic and could draw anyone in.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie had been a fucking goner from the first time they’d met and it had only gotten worse with the more time they spent together. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie had briefly spoken to Tommy and Maria, but they’d both been ushered over to a group of people who wanted to discuss the planning for some upcoming fall festivities in Jackson. Everyone else had either said a quick “hello” to her and then walked away, or they’d given her a wide berth entirely. She was fine with that, mostly, but she would have preferred to just be somewhere else entirely. Like that basement full of clickers.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey Ellie!” Ben was headed her way with a goofy grin on his face, “Guess what?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie couldn’t help but to smile back at him, “What’s up?” It felt good to see a friendly face.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Maria is </span>
  <em>
    <span>finally </span>
  </em>
  <span>gonna let me start my patrol training! I’ll only be allowed to go out in groups and I still have to do shifts in the greenhouse…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His excitement reminded him of her own happiness when Joel had given his permission for her to begin going out on paired patrols. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Good for you, kid!” She smiled and raised her cup of punch in celebration.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I won’t be any good, I bet...but I want to try.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie punched his arm lightly, “You’re a hard worker and you have heart. You can do it.” She wasn’t sure if she believed that, but she wanted </span>
  <em>
    <span>him </span>
  </em>
  <span>to believe it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His cheeks turned bright red, “Do you think you could teach me some stuff?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know, Ben. They have people who’ll train you better than I could.” She wasn’t actually sure if that was true, but she didn’t think she wanted to get roped up in all of that quite yet.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His smile broadened, “Yeah, but everyone knows how good </span>
  <em>
    <span>you </span>
  </em>
  <span>are.” He was trying hard to flatter her, not realizing that she wasn’t easily swayed by flattery. Still, his enthusiasm was sort of endearing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She sighed. The kid looked so damn excited that she couldn’t bring herself to shut him down, “Let me think it over, okay? We can talk about it next time we work together.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sweet!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She smiled in spite of herself as she watched him dash back over to his friends, probably already telling them how Ellie had promised to take him shooting or something. Maybe it would be a good way for her to ease her way back into going out there. She hadn’t forgotten Maria’s offer to take over Jesse’s old job, and figured that taking on a leadership role would end up being the beginning of her taking on more responsibility in Jackson as her surrogate aunt and uncle aged.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She felt a warm hand on her shoulder and a breathy voice in her ear, “Hey, we’re gonna blow out his candles in a minute.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie turned to see Dina standing beside her, looking gorgeous, if a little frazzled. Her dark hair was pulled back in a loose bun and there were a few beads of sweat forming around her hairline. She had a smudge of frosting on her cheek from where she may have absentmindedly touched her face after setting out JJ’s cake, and Ellie had to fight the urge to lick it off.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dina was making it very difficult to be discreet.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie reached out with her thumb to wipe away the frosting and leaned close to Dina’s ear whispering, “You are so beautiful.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dina grinned at her in response and grabbed her arm, “You’re not so bad yourself, Red. Let’s go.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>--</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>JJ, being that he was only one year old, didn’t understand the significance of the “Happy Birthday” song, and he certainly didn’t seem particularly concerned that everyone was staring at him either. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>JJ had eyes only for his birthday cake and had been attempting to grab it since they’d first set him down in his high chair facing the cake. Ellie was holding one of his hands firmly to prevent him from reaching out to touch the cake or the lone candle adorning it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie had never liked being the center of attention like this, and she had never particularly enjoyed being the recipient of birthday attention, but seeing the people of Jackson sing and cheer for JJ felt different somehow. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The three of them were grouped together around the cake while a few dozen of their friends and family sang, and it made her feel good to see how loved JJ was. She hoped that as he grew up he would always feel this love and that he would never know how it felt to live a life as rootless as her own had been when she was a child.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Everything in that moment felt so good that Ellie wished that there was a way to photograph a feeling and frame it so that she could revisit it whenever she needed to. She figured that if she lived for a thousand more years she would never be able to be any happier.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But it was when Dina leaned close to her ear and whispered “I’m so happy you’re here for this” that she felt tears beginning to form, and as the crowd neared the end of “Happy Birthday”, she almost forgot that there was anyone else in the room. The two of them locked eyes and then together, they leaned forward to blow out JJ’s candle for him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>JJ was too young to make his own wish, so Ellie wished for him that the three of them would always be together just like this. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Idk, I’m just glad they’re back together again.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Morning Theft</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The one where Ellie turns twenty.</p><p>Flashback, alternating POV.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Ellie was struggling.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And she was doing it as privately as one can while sharing a small farmhouse with just one other person. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In a way, it almost felt like Ellie was being unfaithful to Dina, as if she were carrying on an affair with her grief and her shame. She knew that it was unfair, but she couldn’t help but to withhold the parts of herself that she had promised to Dina, so that she could pour all of herself into her grief.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She would tell Dina that she was going to go hunt, so that she could actually go sit alone in the barn and hate herself in peace. When she came back empty handed, she would make up an excuse and Dina would accept it even though she knew that Ellie was lying. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Most nights, after Dina falls asleep, Ellie slips out of bed to sit alone in her art room where she cries over another failed attempt to resurrect Joel onto canvas. She had never been much of a crier, but now? It’s constant. Waterfalls of grief and anguish that spill out of her and carry away everything good in her life. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She hasn’t felt hungry in over a year and she can’t stand to look at herself in the mirror where she’d have to see her emaciated face staring back at her. Ellie feels guilty that Dina has to look at her all day when she’s in this condition. On more than one occasion she considers going into the barn with a rope, but that would mean leaving Dina all alone out here and she can’t do that.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie is losing her mind in degrees. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She reminds herself of a tree in autumn; changing colors and shedding little bits of itself until it’s stripped down to its skeleton. She feels sure that one day she might wake up to find that the last little bit of humanity had dislodged itself from her and blown away in the wind.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina was worried about her, Ellie knew that, she could see it every time Dina’s eyes drifted over her body, taking in the sunken cheeks and tired eyes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Even though they both knew how scared Dina was, she never said so. Perhaps this was because she was afraid to admit it or because she was scared of Ellie’s reaction. Maybe both.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie hated that. She hated the way that she had made Dina too afraid to tell her the truth about how thin she’d gotten, how little she laughed, and how hard it was to be alone on a farm with someone who was functioning without being present. They had never lied to each other before the events of the past year, and now it seems like that’s all they do. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The worst part was that she knew all of these things about herself, she knew what she was doing to Dina, and she couldn’t stop it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>How long would it be until Dina got sick of her? How long until the lovely, vivacious, exciting Dina opted to go find her equal? Someone who could give her the things Ellie always had lacked, but had made up for in other ways. Ellie had never been beautiful, but she was strong and sturdy. Ellie was never the life of the party, but she could keep them both laughing for hours when they were alone. With everyone else, Ellie was aloof but with Dina she had been open and vulnerable. Ellie couldn’t remember the last time she had been any of those things.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>One night when she was once again pulled from sleep by a nightmare, she crept into her art room to play guitar and draw and think without needing to fix her face into a passive smile for Dina’s benefit. It was shitty of her to think of Dina’s concern as a burden, but sometimes it felt like one.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She didn’t bother to turn on the light when she entered the room. She just sat down in the chair near the window with Joel’s guitar in her arms, trying to coax something like a melody from the strings. Even this, even music didn’t feel the same anymore. Each song she tried to play sounds like a dirge. Playing guitar feels like she’s just going through the motions, but she refuses to give up this one connection to Joel even if it’s joyless.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She must have dozed off sitting there by the window, because she could swear that she had only just closed her eyes in the dark, only to open them to see Dina standing over her shrouded in the light of early morning.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina stroked Ellie’s cheek, whispering “Hey sleepyhead, happy birthday.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie had actually forgotten her own birthday. She’d never been big on celebrating her birthday, but forgetting it entirely was a first. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Baby, there’s breakfast downstairs. Let’s go eat.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie didn’t enjoy eating. She never felt hungry anymore and she took no pleasure in forcing food down only to fight through the uncomfortable feeling of a meal as it sat heavy in her stomach.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>What she </span>
  <em>
    <span>did </span>
  </em>
  <span>enjoy was making Dina happy, something that she rarely ever felt capable of doing these days. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina had gotten up early and gone downstairs to decorate the breakfast table with fresh flowers and a breakfast made of eggs from their very own chickens. The excitement in Dina’s eyes when she sat Ellie down, placed a plate of food in front of her, and then took the chair opposite Ellie was enough to motivate her to eat everything on her plate, if only so that Dina could feel good about having done this for her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sitting across from Ellie with a fork in hand, Dina mused aloud, “You know, I </span>
  <em>
    <span>would </span>
  </em>
  <span>ask you what you wanna do today, but I don’t trust you to be honest.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Trying to talk around a mouthful of food, Ellie began to protest, but Dina waved it away.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So, we’re going to rush through the chores this morning, then we’re going to sit outside while you play guitar for us” Dina smiled at Ellie’s soft frown “Then we’ll have afternoon sex and a nap, and then dinner.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie laughed and swallowed, “Sounds like a solid ass birthday to me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She raised her eyes from her plate to find Dina staring at her warmly, “I love you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you back.” Ellie took a sip of water, “Thank you for all of this.” She gestured at the breakfast table and allowed herself a moment to admire Dina as she sat there still in pajamas with her long hair pulled back in a braid.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina set her fork down and moved to the chair closest to Ellie. Smiling softly, she cupped Ellie’s face in her hands and said, “You deserve to have a good birthday.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina pressed a soft kiss to Ellie’s lips and stroked her cheek.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I dunno about that…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Reaching for Ellie’s hand, Dina laid it flat across her belly and held it there so that Ellie could feel the baby kicking.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He thinks so, too.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They had no way of knowing whether the baby would be a boy or a girl, but Dina had taken to referring to the baby as “him” early on in her pregnancy and had convinced them both that the baby would be a boy.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Dina’s belly, “I can’t wait to meet him, you know?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Really?” Ellie knew that Dina worried about this. That Ellie didn’t actually want to be a parent and that she resented the responsibility. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fuck yeah. I just want him to be here already.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sighing, Dina replied, “Sometimes, I worry that this is too much. That I’m asking too much of you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But, you haven’t asked me. I </span>
  <em>
    <span>want </span>
  </em>
  <span>to be here with you. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Both </span>
  </em>
  <span>of you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t think you wanted kids.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shrugging, Ellie said simply, “I never gave it much thought. I guess, I didn’t really think it was a possibility for me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And now?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Now, I think about how it’ll feel to teach him about music, comic books, hard work...I don’t know.” Ellie blushed a little, “It’s nice to think about passing down what I know, and the things Joel taught me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina massaged Ellie’s scalp and looked at her with such affection that it gave Ellie butterflies. “Remember when I said afternoon sex? How about we move that up on the schedule a little?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie’s cheeks burned, “Tempting, but you know me. I’ll enjoy it more when I know all of the chores are done.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“God, you’re no fun.” She placed Ellie’s hand back on her belly. “But, I guess I’ll keep you around.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Where did you get these?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie’s eyes sparkled as she marveled at the series of comics she’d heard of, but had never read.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Smiling, Dina chose her words carefully, “Last time that kid came up to bring some supplies I asked him to track them down for me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What the hell did you have to trade him for these?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She’d had to trade a lot for them, but she would never tell Ellie that. She wanted to be able to do this one thing for Ellie to see her smile like this again. A crooked grin, a flash of light in her eyes, the hint of a dimple. Ellie so rarely smiled this way anymore. Where had the girl she fell in love with gone? Could she ever come back?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t have to trade him much, just some sexual favors.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hmm, he looks like he’s only about 12 years old and scrawny as hell. Didn’t know that was your type.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Raising an eyebrow Dina replied, “Variety is the spice of life.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie just rolled her eyes, “Seriously though, babe. Was it anything of yours? Because we can trade it back -“</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ellie. It was nothing that was more important than seeing you happy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina meant every word, because watching Ellie as she sat cross-legged on the floor staring down at a pile of comic books was the most beautiful sight she’d seen in months. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I guess I don’t smile much anymore, huh?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina shook her head sadly, “No, but I understand.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina did understand. She </span>
  <em>
    <span>really </span>
  </em>
  <span>did. Ellie had been through some shit and she’d lost a lot, and Dina knew that. The thing was, Dina had also lost a lot, but she would never shut Ellie out the way that Ellie shut </span>
  <em>
    <span>her</span>
  </em>
  <span> out. They would go weeks at a time where they were the only two people they interacted with, and yet, sometimes Dina felt as though they hadn’t really </span>
  <em>
    <span>talked </span>
  </em>
  <span>in months. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She knew that she needed to bring it up soon, </span>
  <em>
    <span>make </span>
  </em>
  <span>Ellie talk to her, but not today.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Babe, grab your guitar. Let’s go sit outside.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina didn’t recognize the song Ellie was playing on Joel’s old acoustic guitar, but the mournful lyrics and melody gave her chills. Dina missed the days when Ellie’s playing just made her happy instead of concerned.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Time takes care of the wound</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>So I can believe</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You had so much to give</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You thought I couldn't see</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Gifts for boot heels to crush</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Promises deceived</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I had to send it away</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>To bring us back again.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Although Ellie rarely played any of the old bonfire songs anymore, sitting there in the shade together reminded Dina of those nights so long ago, when she would watch Ellie in the glow of the flames and ache with how badly she wished that she could be sitting next to her. Back then, Dina had lived for the shy smiles Ellie would flash at her from the other side of the bonfire pit. In those moments, they could have been sitting there completely alone, even as Jesse wrapped his arm around Dina, and Cat burrowed her way into Ellie’s neck.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dina?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She’d been so lost in thought that she hadn’t even realized that Ellie had gone quiet and that her fingers were frozen in place on the neck of the guitar.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie sighed deeply, “I just need you to know that I’m trying. I really am.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It broke her heart to see Ellie like this. She was so thin that none of her clothes fit properly anymore and her eyes always looked so lost that she seemed unable to figure out how she’d ended up where she was. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sitting there in a faded flannel shirt, Ellie rested one arm on the body of the guitar, and watched Dina wordlessly. Dina leaned forward and gently slid the guitar from Ellie’s arms and laid it down on the grass beside them. She took both of Ellie’s strong, calloused hands in her own and looked deeply into those green eyes, wanting Ellie to look back into her own so that she would see how much Dina meant every word that she said.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ellie, do you know how much I love you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina’s heart broke all over again when Ellie just shrugged her shoulders a little and looked down at their fingers laced together in her own lap. Restless, Ellie traced small circles on the backs of Dina’s hands with her thumbs, looking anywhere but at the girl sitting in front of her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Babe, please look at me.” Dina could hear the pleading in her voice, and it made her wish that she were stronger so that she could pull both of them through this on her own. If only Dina could be strong enough for both of them, Ellie wouldn’t have to fight anymore.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Slowly, Ellie raised her eyes and met Dina’s gaze, looking so small and dejected that Dina had to fight the urge to pull Ellie into her lap so that she could cradle her. Ellie’s eyes were rimmed red and there were a few tears on her freckled cheeks. She didn’t even seem to realize that she was crying.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ellie, I love you so much. I have loved you since I was sixteen years old, and I will love you for the rest of my life.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But what if…” Ellie’s voice broke, “What if I can’t get better? What if I’m always like this?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina shook her head, “You won’t be,” and Dina knew that time would prove her right. “I know you, and I know that you are going to be okay. You’re the strongest person I know.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They sit quietly for a while. Fingers still laced together, watching each other as the sun began its slow descent behind them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Biting her lip, Ellie looked down and whispered “How?” Her voice is so quiet that Dina could just barely make out what she’d said.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tilting her head to the side, Dina asked “How, what?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie tried and failed to hold back a sob, “How can you love me? I’ve done so many things…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina does pull Ellie onto her lap now, wrapping her arms around Ellie’s thin frame as tightly as she can. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It isn’t funny, but Dina can’t stop herself from laughing a little in disbelief, saying only, “How could I not?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s silly, ridiculous really, to think that she could ever stop loving Ellie, and that thought is almost as ridiculous as believing that she’d ever had a choice in falling for her in the first place. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There’s a million things she could say and she would still run out of time long before she ever ran out of words to describe why she loves Ellie Williams.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie Williams who always smells like earth and the wildflower soap they make together once a month.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie is the bravest person Dina has ever known, and Dina loves how she still manages to be so soft when the two of them are alone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina loves the constellation of freckles on Ellie’s face, the forest green of her eyes, and each strand of red hair that Dina loves to detangle with her fingers as they lay in bed at night.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She adores Ellie’s crooked smile and the stupid way she laughs at her own jokes and how she repeats them until Dina laughs with her. Dina never tells her this, but sometimes she forces herself to remain stoic just so that Ellie will keep talking to her with a voice full of laughter.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>God, and she lives for the way it feels when Ellie holds her in those strong arms, whispering “I love you” as she envelops Dina in her scent and in the immensity of her presence.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina had recently committed to memory the contented look on Ellie’s face when they were in bed a few nights ago, with Ellie’s hand splayed protectively over Dina’s stomach. Then there had been the wild light in Ellie’s eyes when she felt the baby kick. Ellie had pressed her lips to Dina’s belly and started singing to the baby, hoping he could hear her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina remembers the way she felt the first time they’d made love: a mixture of awe, desire, and the feeling of coming home.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s the way Dina can so easily imagine what it will feel like to raise this child together, how she can’t wait to see the person Ellie grows into over time, and how she can’t imagine one single day going by without having this woman near her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie is the best friend she’s ever had. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina shakes her head a little, unable to fathom a world in which she doesn’t belong completely to Ellie Williams, and no one else. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And so she tells her.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hey, thank you for all of the comments, kudos, spending your time reading the stuff I write, etc. I appreciate you and I hope that you aren’t as hungover as I am today.</p><p>Listen to “Morning Theft” by Jeff Buckley.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. All I Really Want</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The one where Ellie is fed up.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Listen to “All I Really Want” by Alanis Morissette. Trust me.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Once the cake had been cut and JJ’s presents had been opened, the remaining guests began slowly trickling out of the little house. The people who hadn’t brought any presents left first, and then the rest of them had started leaving in small groups. Although she had mostly enjoyed herself at the party, Ellie was glad to see them go.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The sun was sinking rapidly in the horizon, and there were just a few people remaining now. Among those left were Tommy and Maria, Robin and Jerry, and a few stragglers who were standing around with drinks in hand, discussing both the old days and the days still to come. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie wasn’t interested in those conversations. She knew better than to count on the future and most of the time she wished that she could forget the past. Sitting on Dina’s couch, she was completely content watching as JJ sat in the corner of the living room, happily playing with his new toys while enjoying the attention from the remaining guests. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Looking at him now with his chubby cheeks and hair that was long enough now that it was almost in his eyes, she thought that she would never love anything more than she loved her son, this boy, who was half of each of her best friends. He hadn’t come from her womb, but she had watched him enter this world screaming and shaking his fists, and she would see to it that he grew into a better person than she was. Assuming she lived long enough.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, kiddo.” That Texas drawl in her ear, low enough only for her to hear, reminded her so much of Joel that if she didn’t turn to face Tommy, she may have been able to convince herself that he was still here. He placed a strong arm around her shoulder, “Let’s talk outside.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She looked up at Tommy, cheeks slightly red, breath smelling of whiskey, and a cup of punch in his hand that he seemed to be using to mask the smell of the whiskey he had been drinking from an old flask all night. She stood slowly and let him steer her out to the porch, resting a little bit of his weight on her to lighten the strain on his bad leg.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was cold enough outside that they could see their breath when they spoke, but Ellie hadn’t bothered to grab her jacket from the hallway closet. The cold had never bothered her much and that had been one of many things Dina had teased them about when they were kids. Ellie was always content to wear canvas shoes and a hoodie, even when the ground outside was covered in a blanket of fresh snow. Back then, Dina had just laughed at her for it because she wasn’t yet able to wrap Ellie up in her arms to keep them both warm. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>With a muffled groan, Tommy lowered himself to the porch swing and stretched his bad leg out in front of him, absently rubbing the kneecap, “Sometimes I wish she’d just taken the thing clean off, you know? Half the time it’s more trouble than it’s worth.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie sighed “Yeah, but then you would have bled to death before we got your ass back to Jackson.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She hated that memory. Tommy on the floor of that theater, bleeding from his head with that arrow from Lev’s bow still in his leg. Ellie had been sure that Tommy was going to die, just like Joel had died, just like Jesse had died, and Sam, and Tess, and Riley...</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tommy just shrugged as though the possibility of death was inconsequential to him, and pulled the flask from a pocket inside his denim jacket. He took a long pull from it and then held it out to Ellie who accepted it gratefully, taking a sip of her own.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“How are you doin’, kid? I feel like we haven’t talked much lately.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She shook her head, “No, we haven’t. I’ve been working a lot and then spending most of my free time with JJ and Dina.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tommy rubbed his hands together in a vain attempt to warm them, “You ain’t been around the Bison very much either.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No, I’ve been...trying to focus on other things, you know.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Good. This is what you should be doing.” He gestured into the house with his thumb. Ellie followed his movement and smiled softly at the sight of  Dina spinning around with JJ in her arms. The two of them looked so beautiful together that Ellie wouldn’t have minded it very much if this sight was the last thing she ever saw.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You two ready to make another go of it?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie shrugged, “I don’t know, Tommy. I think so.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“You think so?”</span>
  <span></span><br/>
<br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, I haven’t asked her yet, but we’ve been…” She wasn’t going to tell Tommy that she and Dina were sleeping together again. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“We’ve been spending a lot of time together with JJ and it feels like we’re moving in the right direction.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He slapped a hand on her knee, “Maria and I are proud of you, and he would be, too.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tommy didn’t have to say who “he” was, they both knew. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Sometimes, I don’t think he would be.” This was the first time she’d said this out loud, and she knew that there was no one else that she could have said it to.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tommy scoffed, “Girl, my brother thought the world of you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“He taught me about loyalty and what it means to be a family.” She began slowly, “He risked everything for me, and I pushed him out.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tommy sighed deeply and turned to look at her, “Joel understood…” They’d had this exact conversation about how Joel had understood why she was upset on multiple occasions, but it never changed the way she felt. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I know, I know he did. But I still regret it.” She stared down into her lap, and pushed her hair back when it flopped into her eyes, it was getting long. Maybe she’d ask Dina to cut it for her.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Tommy, I made a family and a life, and then I walked out on them. Joel would have never…” She hated herself for the tears that welled up in her eyes. Ellie had so much more to say, but she didn’t trust herself to speak.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“But you came back.” Tommy said this as though it were the most obvious thing in the world, as if everything would be okay just because she had returned to Jackson to try to clean up her own mess.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I should have never left.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Staring at the flask in his hand, Tommy said, “Do you really believe that? Do you really think you would have been better off if you hadn’t left?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It annoyed her that Tommy wasn’t allowing her to pity herself, but he reminded her so much of Joel that she couldn’t help but to smile. Joel never told a person how to feel or what to do, and this had irritated her when she was young and looking for easy answers. Joel would just casually ask questions that would help her reveal the truth to herself. She missed that.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I…” She hesitated, “I wasn’t doing well before California, and I feel that I’m doing better now because of it.” She exhaled forcefully and watched the small cloud of vapor dissipate in front of her eyes, “I just wish that I could have gotten better without abandoning them, I guess.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, but you couldn’t have.” Tommy squinted at her in the porch light, swatting away a few gnats as he spoke, “I’m still mad as hell at myself for sending you out there, but if you’re like Joel, you wouldn’t have ever been satisfied if you hadn’t gone after her.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie nodded and reached for Tommy’s flask, he passed it to her wordlessly, “Do you think…” She began before stopping short, “Do you think Dina knows that?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Dina is a smart woman, so I wouldn’t be surprised if she does.” Tommy scratched his beard thoughtfully, “Think you should ask her, though. You gotta talk to her, Ellie.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie held the flask out to Tommy who took it back and drained the last mouthful of whiskey. She wasn’t sure what to say, and she wasn’t sure why she hadn’t discussed California with Dina yet, either.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“After Seattle, I wasn’t talkin’ to Maria, so she didn’t understand, and because she didn’t understand, she couldn’t understand why I’d changed. It was only when we started talking to each other again that she was able to start forgiving me.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I still haven’t told her about California.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tommy’s voice sounded sharp, “Ellie, you have to tell her. How is she supposed to believe that you’re not gonna just up and leave again if she don’t know that you chose to let Abby go this time?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She wanted to argue with him, but there really wasn’t anything else to say. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, you’re right. I’ll talk to her about it soon, I promise.” She stood up, signalling to him that it was time to go back inside.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tommy stood slowly and then grabbed her, wrapping her up in a bear hug. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Come by the house sometime this week. Maria still wants to talk to you about that patrol job.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>His beard felt scratchy against her forehead. They’d never been particularly affectionate with one another, but it felt nice to be held this way. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie nodded and patted his back, “Yeah, okay. I will.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I think she’s ready to start delegating some things to you, if you’re ready for that responsibility.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Shaking her head, Ellie began “I don’t think I can…”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course you can!” Tommy’s voice was firm now, “People respect you, Ellie.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Tommy, they just stare at me.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, that’s because you look back at them like you’re ready to knock someone’s block off. But you’re our niece, and you’re Joel’s daughter. People here trust this family, for better or worse.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>-- </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Back inside, Ellie was beginning to grow annoyed with the few remaining guests. She wanted them to leave her alone with her family, so that she could put her son to bed and talk to Dina about whatever was going on between them. After her talk with Tommy, she felt ready to have the conversation about California and wanted to do it before she lost her nerve.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>JJ was knocked out on the floor next to his new toys, and she considered taking him to bed, but she knew that Dina would probably want to say goodnight to him first. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The last time she’d seen Dina, she was in the kitchen tidying up and chatting with a few of her friends. Ellie stood up from her place on the couch and picked up a cup of punch that sat on the coffee table. She didn’t know who it had belonged to, but she threw her head back and drained the last sip and swished it around in her mouth, hoping that it would mask the smell of Tommy’s whiskey on her breath. Dina wouldn’t care if she drank, but she still didn’t think that it gave off a good impression. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>As she neared the kitchen, she could hear Dina’s voice inside, low and sharp.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“...that didn’t mean anything, Lee.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You know that isn’t true. You’ve been flirting with me for months, and you said you had a good time yesterday.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>A little whine was creeping into his voice, and under different circumstances, Ellie might have laughed.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie recognized the tone that crept into Dina’s voice when she was particularly angry, and took another step closer to the kitchen, </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Even if I did, that doesn’t have to mean that I’m looking for a repeat, Lee.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s because of her, isn’t it? Christ, how many times are you going to let her fuck you over before you let it the fuck go?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Go fuck yourself, Lee.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He scoffed, “That isn’t what you were saying yesterday when we…”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie walked away. She didn’t need to hear anymore. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>—</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but she was on her second or third drink by the time Dina carried JJ upstairs to bed, signalling to the last few guests that it was time to make their exit.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Something strange was happening inside Ellie as she sat there alone on Dina’s couch. Her breathing felt jagged, the edges of her vision were tinted orange, and her hands were shaking in her lap as she clutched a cup. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d been this painfully aware of every part of her own body.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She recalled Cat’s words from several weeks ago when she had told Ellie that Dina could either forgive her or move on, but that she wasn’t allowed to go back and forth. Ellie had heard the words at the time and had thought that she understood them, but she hadn’t really understood at all. Back then, she was so desperate for Dina’s love and forgiveness that she was willing to accept it at any cost, no matter how it hurt her. That conversation felt like it had happened a lifetime ago.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Cat had told her then that she didn’t deserve what Dina was doing to her, but Ellie hadn’t been able to believe it back then. Sitting there on Dina’s couch with the words that she was never meant to hear echoing in her head, she decided that she even if she didn’t deserve better, she would go insane if she didn’t put a stop to it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>—</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie’s heart began to race when she heard Dina padding down the stairs after having put JJ to sleep. She’d thought that she was ready for this conversation, and now she wished that she had more time.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“He’s out. He didn’t even ask for a story.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Dina leaned over to wrap her arms around Ellie from behind and pressed a quick kiss to the side of her neck.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>With lips close to Ellie’s ear, Dina whispered “Let’s go to bed.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie grabbed Dina’s wrists and pulled them off of her, “So, you gonna tell me what’s up with Lee?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The genuine note of confusion in Dina’s voice annoyed Ellie, she hated the fact that Dina was apparently so comfortable with lying to her.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What are you talking about?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Through gritted teeth, Ellie muttered “I heard you two talking.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie squeezed her eyes shut and took a moment to regain her composure before continuing to speak, “When were you going to tell me that you’re seeing other people?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Ellie…”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“We’re not...we weren’t...I just went out with him once. It wasn’t a big deal.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You went out with him and then dragged me into bed that same day. Christ, Dina.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, I dragged </span>
  <em>
    <span>you </span>
  </em>
  <span>into bed. Not him.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie wasn’t sure why Dina pointing this out didn’t make her feel any better, but it really didn’t. What did it matter that Dina had chosen to sleep with Ellie when just hours before that she’d been with someone else? It somehow cheapened the memory of the previous night and that made her feel as though she couldn’t even have one truly happy night without it being ruined.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Did you wish it </span>
  <em>
    <span>was </span>
  </em>
  <span>him?” Her voice was full of venom now, and she was struggling to keep her tone as even. She didn’t want Dina to know that she was getting to her; she didn’t want to give her the satisfaction.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Dina walked around to the front of the couch to face Ellie, “What the fuck, Ellie. No, I didn’t wish it was him. I wanted you.” There was color high in her cheekbones and the sight of her flushed face almost shattered Ellie’s resolve, but she had gone too far now.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Since when?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Since always!” Dina bit her lip, eyes filling with tears. “I only even said yes to him because…” She swallowed hard, “I saw you with Cat and…”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh my god. I told you that there’s nothing going on with Cat. And if you wanted me so goddamn bad, why couldn’t you just say so?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Dina just shrugged sadly, “I don’t know…”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, you’re the only one who can answer that question.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They glared at each other for a moment, waiting to see who would speak first. It was Dina:</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re one to talk, you know?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Me?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, I’ve seen you at the Bison flirting with that bartender -“</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Her name is Tawny.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Dina laughed a horrible, merthless laugh that threw Ellie off balance for just a moment, “God, she fucking looks at you like she wants to jump you right there in front of everyone. And you don’t exactly discourage her.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“So what?” Ellie growled, “What do you care if some girl wants to fuck me?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You know I care.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Since when? It’s been months and you’ve let me pine away for you. Just giving me enough hope to keep me on the hook -“</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Dina tried to interject, “It wasn’t like that -“</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You probably only slept with me because you </span>
  <em>
    <span>want</span>
  </em>
  <span> me to be miserable -“</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Jesus, Ellie. Of course that isn’t why -“ </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I bet you couldn’t fucking stand the thought that I might move on and you wanted to sabotoge it.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tears spilled down Dina’s cheeks,“How can you say that?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What else am I supposed to think?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I slept with you because I </span>
  <em>
    <span>wanted </span>
  </em>
  <span>to. There is no one else, Ellie.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie was unable to stem the flow of months of old hurts as they boiled over, “Maybe you saw that other people might want me and you couldn't stand the thought of me not following you around like a lovesick puppy.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Throwing her hands up, Dina replied, “Ellie, I don’t even like him. He’s been hounding me for a date for months, we ran into each other yesterday and he asked me to go to lunch. It wasn’t a big deal.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It isn’t about </span>
  <em>
    <span>Lee</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Dina.” And it wasn’t until Ellie said those words that she understood that the issue really wasn’t about Lee. She wasn’t seriously concerned about Lee or that Dina would like him better, but this was just one more way in which Dina had shut her out and been careless with her feelings.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t give a shit about Lee, Dina. It’s about how you saw me sitting at a bar with someone and assumed the worst instead of just asking me. How you shut me out while giving mixed signals. How you could take me to bed and not mention the date you’d gone on that day.” Ellie threw her own hands up, mirroring Dina, “I can’t fucking do it anymore.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Dina’s tone was pleading, willing Ellie to understand, “I don’t regret last night. I hoped…”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, maybe I regret it.” Ellie flinched at the words as soon as they left her mouth. She didn’t mean them, and now she would never be able to take them back.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The other woman recoiled as if she’d been slapped “You know, you started all of this shit in the first place.” Dina was raising her voice now, ready to turn this into a shouting match.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Goddammit Dina!” Ellie slammed her fist against the coffee table, startling both of them, “How long?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“How long?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie shook her head hard, throwing her hands up again,“How long are you going to hold it against me? I fucked up. I know it. But what do you want from me now? I can’t change it.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Regret crept into Dina’s voice, “I know that.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you? Because I’ve done everything I can think of to earn your forgiveness.” Ellie ran her fingers through her hair and had to fight a wild urge to pull out a few strands, just so that she could feel anything but this. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You don’t owe it to me to forgive me, but you don’t get to do this to me anymore.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Ellie.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m going home. I’ll be back on Tuesday to pick JJ up.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Ellie, please stay?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>As she grabbed her coat from the hallway closet, Ellie turned and stared at Dina for a long moment, and for the second time in their lives, Ellie walked out on her.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>--</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The walk home was agonizing. For all of her natural resistance to the cold, Ellie found herself shivering as she made her way across town. She considered going to the Tipsy Bison to hang out with Tawny, but the thought of being around another crowd of people wasn’t appealing. She thought that she might like to go see Cat or Tommy, but she really didn’t want to talk, and she didn’t think she could just show up to someone’s house and ask them not to talk to her. What she wanted was for someone to just sit quietly with her, without expecting anything from her. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Joel had always been good about that. Anytime she came home in a bad mood, he would just cook something and put on one of those terrible movies he liked. Occasionally, he would ask a few questions between mouthfuls of popcorn to get a gauge on her mood, but mostly he would just be there with her and let her do the talking when she was ready. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She hadn’t intended to go to the cemetery, but her feet kept going past her own street, down to the place where Joel was buried. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Stepping through the gates, Ellie was glad to see that his grave seemed to be well maintained, and that there were even some flowers there. She wondered who could have brought them because it didn’t seem like something Tommy would do, and she couldn’t think of anyone else who would have. She wished that she had brought something for him, not that it really mattered to Joel.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was dumb, but she felt her heart racing as she got closer to the gravesite.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey old man…” she sighed as she slowly sank down to the ground directly in front of the headstone. She could see her breath hovering in front of her, just like the last time she’d ever spoken to him. That night had been one of the strangest nights of Ellie’s life: she’d had her first kiss with Dina, argued with Joel in front of everyone, and then had her last conversation with him. She’d told him that she would try to forgive him, but deep down, she knew that she already had started to forgive, and she wished that she had told him so. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not sure why I’m here...and I don’t really know what to say. But you were always such a good listener that I thought maybe you wouldn’t mind listening to me now.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She sighed deeply and ran her fingers along the words inscribed on the headstone, trying to ground herself. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Joel, I fucked everything up so bad and I don’t know what to do.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The words began to flow out of her, and they were soon accompanied by tears, and then there was the occasional laugh as she told a story she knew he would have found funny, and once or twice she even forgot that he wasn’t really there to listen to her. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She told him about her son, how she’d made a family and then lost them, how she’d traveled all the way to California, and made sure to go through Texas just because she wanted to see what all of the fuss was about. She told him about how she had lost two fingers and laughed a little because she knew that Joel would have first scolded her for being careless, but then he would have found a way to make her laugh about it until it didn’t seem so bad anymore.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When she finally ran out of words, she kissed the headstone and promised that she would come back soon and that she would bring JJ to meet him. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>--</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>There was just one light burning in the window of her little garage apartment, thankfully she’d had the foresight to leave it on just in case she came back when it was still dark. In the faint glow of the light streaming onto the grass from inside the house, she could see Tofu sitting near the door. He seemed to have caught on to the fact that the food was now located in Ellie’s house, not Joel’s. He also didn’t seem to be too fussed about it, as long as he got his dinner.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Shaking her head at herself, she went inside and rummaged in the refrigerator for something she could feed the cat. There was a little bit of rabbit meat from a recent hunting trip, and she sniffed it to make sure that it was still edible. Ellie hoped that cats were able to eat rabbit, but she didn’t have anything else to offer him, so she figured that he could either take it or leave it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The little apartment looked more like it had in the old days than it did when she first arrived back in Jackson. The fairy lights were back on the walls, there were a few stacks of her old comics piled on the desk, and she’d pinned up a few photos that she’d taken with her all the way to California. It still didn’t feel like home, but it was much less depressing and lonely than it had been when she’d first moved back. She even had an old TV that Dina had smuggled out of the electronics workshop for her, because hers had been left back at the farm.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The sight of Joel’s guitar propped up in the corner of the room caught her eye, and she thought about trying to play a little, but she hadn’t spent much time practicing since Dina had gone to retrieve the guitar for her and failing at it would have just made her feel worse. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She smiled a little as she remembered the last time she had played for Dina. They’d been sitting in their living room at the farm, and Ellie was showing her that she’d finally managed to work out how to play one of their favorite songs.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“This is the first day of my life,</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I swear I was born right in the doorway.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I went out in the rain; suddenly everything changed,</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>They’re spreading blankets on the beach.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Dina had smiled at her so warmly that Ellie almost lost her place in the lyrics. JJ was babbled happily as Dina bounced him in her lap, and there was the sound of sheep bleating in the distance. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The miracle of her being able to play guitar for her family in their own home didn’t escape her; these were moments that she never, ever thought she would have. She should have died a million times before that moment and she had never expected to make it to be twenty years old with a life of her own.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yours is the first face that I saw,</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I think I was blind before I met you.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Now I don’t know where I am. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I don’t know where I’ve been,</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>But I know where I want to go.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie thought about having another drink, but decided that she wanted to avoid a hangover, and so she just pulled off her jeans and laid down to toss fitfully until she fell asleep as she hummed the rest of the song to herself.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“And so, I thought I’d let you know,</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>That these things take forever,</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I especially am slow.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>But I realize that I need you,</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>And I wondered if I could come home.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She smiled as she drifted off to sleep.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Don’t be mad at me. I just broke this chapter and the next up for pacing. It should be up tomorrow.</p>
<p>Listen to “First Day of My Life” because I should have seen Bright Eyes back in May, but then Corona.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Behind That Locked Door</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The one where Dina is sorry.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It was dark and quiet in Dina’s bedroom, and she was grateful for that. These days she preferred to be alone in her own home, where she wouldn’t have to pretend that everything was okay. She didn’t even know how she could begin to talk about what was wrong if someone did ask. How could she explain how badly she had fucked things up with Ellie when everyone thought that Dina had long since moved on and that the relationship between Ellie and herself was based entirely around coparenting JJ? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They’d hardly spoken at all since that night. Ellie would come pick JJ up a couple of times a week and spend a few hours with him before returning to Dina’s house to drop him off at bedtime. Ellie always gave her a polite, cold smile when she handed JJ over, but she avoided any attempt to discuss anything beyond arrangements that they needed to make for Ellie’s next visit with JJ. Dina wasn’t sure that she would ever get used to being so distant from Ellie, and every time Ellie gave her that chilly smile that didn’t reach her eyes, Dina knew that this is probably the way she had made Ellie feel not so long ago. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The first few times they saw each other after JJ’s birthday, Dina tried to invite Ellie inside to hang out, hoping that things could still be okay somehow, but when Ellie turned her down on several occasions Dina stopped inviting her. She was trying to respect Ellie’s desire to maintain distance between the two of them, but it was hard to be so close to her without being able to touch her or laugh with her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Awake in bed every night, Dina would try to make sense of how things could have gotten so messed up, but she still wasn't sure. When Lee had asked her out the day before the party, she’d said “yes” without thinking about it. She’d had a nice enough time with him but she didn’t actually have any desire to be more than friends, especially when she and Ellie had been spending so much time together. Dina knew now that she should have told him this before he could corner her in the kitchen where Ellie would hear.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Lee approached her in the kitchen during JJ’s party and begged her to go on another date with him, she’d tried to be polite in her refusal at first, and then firm, and then finally she’d had to get short with him and ask him to leave. Dina didn’t know how much of that conversation Ellie had heard, and she’d never been given the chance to ask. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And then, Ellie had walked out on her again, but this time, Dina knew that it was her own fault. She had been thoughtless and cruel in the way she’d treated Ellie, and she hadn’t even been able to see it until it was too late. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shame and regret crashed over her in waves at the thought that Ellie had been here, waiting patiently, trying to work on herself and rebuild a relationship with Dina, and Dina hadn’t even been able to be honest about her feelings. Not with Ellie, and certainly not with herself.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Staring down at her son asleep in his crib, she hesitated for a moment, seriously considering going back to bed as though nothing had happened. But if she went back to bed as if nothing had happened, she would have to go through tomorrow as though nothing had happened, and continue that way each day, pretending that everything was alright when it wasn’t, and she didn’t think that she could pretend anymore.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>JJ lay motionless in his crib with his tiny arms splayed out above his head and a sliver of moonlight bathing his chubby cheek. When his face was still like this, JJ looked so much like his father that it made her breath catch. Jesse would have loved to be a dad and he would have been a good one. He was always kind, patient, and loyal, and it would have been beautiful to watch Jesse pass those qualities onto their son. Although it was sad, JJ’s reality as a fatherless child wasn’t unique in Jackson or in the new world. What <em>was</em> unique was the fact that she had Ellie and Jesse’s parents to support her in raising JJ so that he would have a family and people who could take care of him if anything ever happened to her. Most kids had pretty much always been orphans like Ellie, or they had lost their parents young the way Dina had.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Perhaps it was because she was so focused on raising Jesse’s son and spending so much time with his parents, that she occasionally forgot that he was gone. He just seemed so present in her life as she moved through the streets of Jackson, drank a glass of wine with his parents in their kitchen, or laid JJ down for a nap in Jesse’s old room. When she and Jesse had been dating, they had each promised that when one of them died, the other would move on, fall in love again, and continue living. Dina was doing that, and she knew that Jesse would be happy for her, and that’s all that mattered. She also knew that Jesse would have wanted her and Ellie to work things out and stick together, he’d even told her that he approved of their relationship when they had a moment alone in Seattle. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>He'd stared at her in the dim lighting of the abandoned movie theater and said earnestly "It just seems right with the two of you, Dina." And that was just Jesse's way: he wasn't the type of person to allow jealousy to creep in and stop him from wanting the best for his friends. He was loyal and when he loved someone, all he wanted was for them to be happy. </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her only real regret about their years together was that their last breakup had been the first time that th</span>
  <span>eir relationship truly felt like it was over, and then he had died before they could transition back into a platonic relationship. Dina would have quite liked to be Jesse’s friend again and she had hoped that in time,  things would have gone back to the way they’d been in the early days after her arrival in Jackson.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sighing deeply, Dina smoothed the hair back away from JJ’s face and then gently lifted him out of his crib, bundling him tightly in his blankets. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina knocked on the door with the back of her hand, gently at first, so as not to wake JJ, and then a little harder when she didn’t receive an immediate response. Knocking for the second time seemed to have done the trick, because she saw a light turn on almost instantly and then the sound of movement coming from inside. Dina held JJ close to her chest and waited, praying that this wouldn’t turn out to be a mistake.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was cold standing on the threshold of Ellie’s front door in the November air. Dina could sense that they were on the cusp of a snowstorm and wished that she had dressed more warmly. She shivered a little and clutched JJ closer to her chest, grateful that she’d made sure that he would be warm at least.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dina. What the fuck?” Ellie pulled the door open wearing boxers and a thin tank top and Dina had to fight back an urge to laugh. Only Ellie would be so scantily clad when it was so damn cold, the sight made her ache for all of those cold winter nights that she’d spent pressed against Ellie’s warm body, feeling safe in her strong arms. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie squinted at Dina running fingers through her hair and cleared her throat “Do you know what time…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Then, Ellie saw JJ in Dina’s arms and stopped short.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina stared at her for a moment, waiting for Ellie to invite them in, and then when she didn’t, Dina invited herself in.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In a hushed voice, Dina murmured “Can I lay him on your bed?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie looked down at the sleeping boy and smiled softly, stepping back to allow Dina to enter the little apartment. Still rubbing sleep from her eyes, she rasped “Yeah, okay.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Walking into the place that she knew so well brought a fond smile to Dina’s face. It didn’t look anything like it had when they were teenagers, but Dina still felt a sense of homecoming as she recalled the hundreds of occasions she’d been here with Ellie when they were kids, having sleepovers, watching movies, or getting high. She longed for just one more of those evenings when they were best friends, blissfully unaware of what was to come. The relative innocence of youth had gone unnoticed by them at the time, but Dina would have done anything to have just one more carefree day with her friends.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The room was uncharacteristically tidy, which was likely owed to the relative lack of clutter as opposed to the way the room had been when they were teenagers. Gone were the stacks of comics, posters all over the walls, and piles of laundry. Gone were the pinned up photos and the familiar comfort of all of Ellie’s belongings that had been left at the farm. There was that old guitar though, propped against the wall, with a light coating of dust covering it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The blankets on the double bed had been partially spilled onto the floor, having been thrown back in a hurry when Ellie heard her knocking. Dina took note of Ellie’s pistol on the nightstand. Ellie had told her once that after her time on the road with Joel, she couldn’t sleep soundly if the gun wasn’t within arm’s reach. Ellie had also told her that she had received this pistol the same day that she had killed her first human being. Ellie's voice had been flat and emotionless when she recounted that first kill to Dina and that response couldn't have been more unlike Ellie's demeanor after killing Nora. She wished now that she had pushed Ellie to talk more when they were still living on the farm, maybe things would have turned out differently.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Gingerly, she laid JJ down in the center of the bed and pulled the blankets up around him. Hesitating for a moment, the brunette slid the gun further away from the bed so that JJ wouldn’t be able to reach it if he woke up without either of them noticing. Dina could feel Ellie’s eyes on her as she did these things, boring into her back, waiting for her to turn around so they could have the conversation they’d both been putting off for weeks. Dina wasn’t sure that she was ready to have that conversation, but she had invited herself here, and so they would have to have it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Dina did turn around, Ellie was frowning and rubbing her face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With eyes closed, Ellie asked “So, why are you here?” The words were spoken more like a statement than a question, and her voice was low and harsh.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Being spoken to by Ellie that way made Dina wince a little. She couldn’t remember the last time she felt so small, and she didn’t think that Ellie had ever made her feel that way before.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ellie…I want to talk to you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The redhead eyed Dina warily “Why?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I just...do.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Folding her arms across her chest, Ellie met Dina’s gaze and then looked away without speaking.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ellie, please?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The redhead sighed deeply and walked to the kitchenette, beckoning for Dina to sit on the couch and wait for her. Dina collapsed onto the couch and clutched her bag close to her chest, wishing that she had just stayed home instead of bothering Ellie who clearly didn’t want to see her or talk to her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After a few painfully quiet moments, Ellie joined her on the couch and held out a glass. Dina offered a warm smile of gratitude and took the glass, cradling it in both hands. Ellie didn’t return the smile.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay, so..?” Ellie looked at Dina pointedly, waiting for her to begin.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Look, I hate the way we left things.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie nodded, which caused a curtain of auburn hair to fall into her eyes. Dina bit her lip to suppress an urge to push the hair back behind Ellie’s ear and plant a kiss on her cheek. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay, and you had to come here at midnight to tell me that?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I...couldn’t sleep.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The cold anger emanating from Ellie made Dina question whether this had been a good idea. When she had been alone in her bed trying to find sleep, this had seemed like the right thing to do and yet now that she was actually sitting here with Ellie, she wasn’t so sure.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, I’m sorry that you couldn't sleep, but I </span>
  <em>
    <span>was </span>
  </em>
  <span>asleep and I’d like to get back to that as soon as possible…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie didn’t sound very sorry, in fact, she didn’t sound as though she felt anything about the situation at all. Stealing a glance at Ellie’s face, Dina saw that she didn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>look </span>
  </em>
  <span>sorry, either. She looked hollow and drained. Had Dina been the one to do that to her?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Look, El…” Dina turned to face Ellie, “I don’t want to do this anymore.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie snorted a little, “We aren’t doing this” she gestured between them, “We ended this weeks ago.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Frustrated that she couldn’t find the right words, Dina shook her head, “That isn’t what I meant.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Then what did you mean?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina chewed the inside of her cheek and felt her face grow hot under Ellie’s gaze. What the fuck had she been thinking when she came here?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I meant this...the way things are now.” Dina searched Ellie’s face and met her eyes, “I miss you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh yeah?” Ellie’s tone was harsh, unyielding. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I do.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They drank in silence for a while, allowing the admission to sit heavy between them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There was a sharp exhale and then an avalanche of words, “Dina, I can’t do this anymore. I just want to take care of JJ and live our own lives.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina put her head down and ran her finger around the rim of her glass, trying to find the right words, “I know that I fucked up, but I want a chance to make it right.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shaking her head sadly, Ellie replied “I remember asking you for a chance once. You shut me down.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She couldn’t argue. Ellie was right. The woman had been asking Dina for a chance since she got back to Jackson and Dina had been determined to punish her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know. Ellie, I’m really sorry…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Look,” Ellie began, “I appreciate your apology, but I don’t want to do this again”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t believe that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That long, lean body of Ellie’s tensed, “You can believe whatever you believe, that doesn’t change anything.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So what do you actually want, then?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I told you. I want to take care of him and just live our lives.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina nodded slowly, “Is that really what you want?” She hesitated for a moment and continued, “Doesn’t the thought of either of us ending up with someone else seem...obscene?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A muscle worked in the freckled jaw, “Obviously, I don’t love thinking about it, but it happens.” Ellie shrugged “People get together and then they break up. I’ll get over it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina remembered that confident, carefree, slightly wild girl she used to be. Three years ago, Dina would have known exactly what to say and do to thaw the ice between them. She would have been able to make Ellie laugh in spite of herself and then they’d go get drunk and forget that they’d ever argued. Dina wasn’t sure where either of those two girls had gone, but she missed both of them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Before she could stop herself, Dina heard her own voice saying “Do you still love me?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie turned to Dina with a look of surprise and swallowed hard, “Why are you here? Why now?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina parroted Ellie’s words from a lifetime ago, “I don’t sleep and I don’t eat.” Her voice broke and she drank from her glass, trying to regain her composure. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry to hear that.” Ellie said, not unkindly, but without betraying any further emotion.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is this really what you want, El?” There was a wave of dark hair as Dina shook her head, “Do you really want to be apart when we could be together?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie shrugged, “I don’t know, D. I just don’t see how it can ever be good again.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Things are so fragile, Ellie. I miss life with you and I don’t want to waste any more time that could be spent together with him.” Dina gestured over to where JJ was still sound asleep.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What if you don’t get a say, Dina?” Ellie’s voice sounded tight, “You don’t just get to decide.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Working to sound more confident than she felt, Dina replied “Do you still love me?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dina.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you still love me?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie ran her fingers through her hair, “God, why do you have to do this shit now? Why does it always have to be on </span>
  <em>
    <span>your </span>
  </em>
  <span>timeline?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“El, do you still love me? If you don’t, I’ll leave now and we can pretend this conversation never happened. I just have to know.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie swallowed, “Dina...” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina looked up at Ellie with eyes ablaze, “Say it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What are you doing?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ellie, please say it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie sighed and clenched her jaw, but she didn’t speak. She just rotated the glass in her hands and kept her eyes fixed on the far side of the room where JJ lay. Dina watched her closely, waiting for her resolve to break or for Ellie to give her just one sign that there was still a chance.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When no such sign came, the brunette nodded, accepting Ellie’s silence as an answer. Fighting to hold back tears, Dina set the glass down and climbed to her feet, telling herself that she would fall apart when she was back home, but not here.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span> What Ellie chose to do with Dina's confession was out of her control, but she knew that she had done her own part. If there was nothing else to be done, at least Dina could say that she had done everything she could. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Then, she felt one hand catch hers, holding her in place, an anchor. Ellie stood and stared down at their hands, looking as surprised as Dina felt to find their hands clasped together. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Squeezing her eyes shut, Ellie began “Dina...I do love you,” she looked back down at their hands and cleared her throat, “I don’t want you to think that I don’t.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rushing to get out all of the words before Ellie could protest, Dina replied “I love you too. I’ve been stupid and I’m so sorry. But I love you. And if you’re willing to try...if you’d give us another chance.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Still staring at their hands, Ellie spoke slowly “I don’t know.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well I do. If you can just trust me, I can believe for both of us.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dina…” Her voice trailed off, her sentence over before it began.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Emboldened by Ellie’s admission, Dina reached out and took Ellie’s injured hand in her own. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I miss you. I miss us.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I miss you, too.” Ellie admitted, “But I can’t...” Her voice trailed off again and she lowered her eyes to look down at both of her hands in Dina’s own.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m so tired of not being with you. It’s so hard, Ellie. It’s hard to push you out when I just miss my best friend and I’m tired of trying to fall out of love with you when I just want to be with you...” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Then, she felt strong arms around her, pulling her close. Dina froze with her head against Ellie’s chest and then wrapped her own arms around Ellie’s thin waist, grateful for this moment, even if there would be no more like it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ellie, I  just want to get back to the life we had together. I miss you so much, all the time.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie tilted Dina’s chin up and stared into her eyes, seemingly struggling with herself. Then, she leaned forward slowly and paused there, with their faces just inches apart, hesitating to give Dina the chance to close the gap between their lips, and when she did, both women sighed and melted into the kiss. Dina reached up to hold Ellie’s face in her hands, and wiped away the tears she found there. They broke apart before the kiss could go any further, and Ellie pressed her forehead to Dina’s.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Fixing her green eyes on Dina, Ellie sniffled a little “D..?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why did the strawberry cry?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina wrenched herself out of Ellie’s grasp and stared at her “Ellie. Oh my god, not now. Please.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With one quick stride forward, Ellie wrapped Dina up in her arms again and spoke with her voice close to Dina’s ear “The sooner you cooperate, the sooner it’ll be over.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina sighed and closed her eyes, “Why did the strawberry cry?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Grinning, Ellie responded “Because his mother was in a jam!” It was that same stupid grin she’d seen on Ellie’s face a thousand times before, and it was usually accompanied by some of her stupid jokes or annoying mischief.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rolling her eyes dramatically, Dina retorted “Come on, really?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s the best I got. I’m a little rusty!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s a new low.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, yeah. You’ve said that before.” This time, it was Ellie who rolled her eyes as she pulled Dina closer.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The two women smiled at each other, enjoying the familiar banter, as comfortable as a worn glove. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>"I don't want to rush into anything, but I'm open to trying. That's the best I can do right now."</p><p> </p><p>Dina nodded, willing to accept whatever Ellie was willing to offer, "That's fine. That's all I'm asking."</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Yawning, Ellie said “C’mon, let’s go to sleep. I don’t want you to take JJ back out…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina nodded happily “He can sleep with us.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She allowed Ellie to lead her over to the bed, and gratefully accepted the sweatpants Ellie tossed to her to sleep in. Dina grinned a little when Ellie averted her eyes and busied herself with checking that the door was locked and turning off the light to allow Dina to have some privacy, as if Ellie hadn’t seen her in her underwear a hundred times before. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When they settled into bed with JJ snoring softly between them, Ellie turned onto her side to face Dina and then reached out to stroke Dina’s freckled cheek with one thumb. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Laughing softly, Ellie said, “So this isn’t exactly the way I thought things would go next time I got you into bed.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina conceded “There are definitely more clothes involved…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie removed her hand from Dina’s face and rested it on JJ’s belly, leaning over to kiss the top of his head. She met Dina’s eye again and whispered “It’s better.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina rested her hand on top of Ellie’s, both of them feeling the gentle rise and fall of JJ’s breathing. “Yeah, this is way better.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Yawning, Ellie rolled onto her back and replied “I’ll make us breakfast in the morning.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Stifling a laugh, the brunette said “Ellie, I’d like for us all to </span>
  <em>
    <span>live</span>
  </em>
  <span> to see his second birthday.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie groaned, “Oh, F-U-C-K off.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They fell asleep with their son between them, feet touching beneath the covers.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Sorry, I was gone so long. There's been a lot going on lately and I needed a break. Thanks for all of the comments and stuff. I'm a little behind on responding, but I WILL get back to everyone.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Impossible Landscape</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The one where things fall into place.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Ellie woke to the sensation of tiny hands pulling at her lips, pushing a finger into her nose, and tugging at her eyelids. JJ babbled happily as he poked at her and settled his weight on her chest. Instinctively, Ellie reached up to stroke his back but kept her eyes closed so that he wouldn’t realize that she was awake.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It sounded as though Dina was tinkering around in the kitchen, opening and closing cabinets likely trying to find something suitable to cook. Ellie knew that Dina likely wouldn’t find anything and considered telling her so, but she wanted to hang onto this moment just a bit longer.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>If she had stayed instead of going to California, would this have been her life? Would every morning have started just like this one with Dina making breakfast and JJ in her arms? Would she have even lived to see JJ’s first birthday in the state she had been in, or would she have given in to the darkness?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>JJ babbled a little and pushed a wet finger into Ellie’s ear. She opened her eyes abruptly, grabbed JJ with both hands, and pushed him down onto the bed. She pinned him under her and tickled him until his chubby cheeks bloomed red and his squeals of glee turned into hysterical shrieks.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie wrapped him up in her arms and covered his face with kisses “That’s what ya get, kid.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ellie, are you done abusing our child?” Dina called over from the kitchen “If so, get over here and help me find </span>
  <em>
    <span>something </span>
  </em>
  <span>we can eat.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She set JJ back on the bed and handed him a toy truck of his that she kept at her house for their playdates. JJ grabbed it from her hand and promptly stuck it into his mouth.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When she joined Dina in the kitchen, Ellie started rummaging through the cabinets herself and frowned, she really didn’t have much in the way of food.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina huffed “Is this why you’re so fucking skinny? Do you eat?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie shrugged, “I eat at your house, the Bison, Maria’s…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ellie…” Dina started, throwing her a reproachful look over her shoulder.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know, I know.” Ellie held her hands up in surrender and glanced at the clock over Dina’s shoulder “Hang on, I’ll be right back.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She leaned down to kiss Dina’s cheek, grabbed a bowl from the cabinet behind Dina’s head, pulled open the refrigerator, and dumped the remaining scraps of chicken into it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ellie! I was planning on making something with that. Where the hell are you even going?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Be right back!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As she pulled the door shut behind her, Ellie heard Dina let out an exasperated groan as she resumed searching the kitchen for anything edible.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In her bare feet, she walked briskly to the side of her house, not quite minding the frost covered grass and mud as it squelched between her toes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Tofu…” She called softly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lately, she’d noticed that he’d been sticking closer to the house, ready to approach her anytime he saw her, in case she had food for him. Sensing that he was nearby, she called his name again until finally, his yellow eyes peeked at her from around the side of the house.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Here ya go, dude!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She set down his breakfast and crouched down, holding her hand out to see if he would allow her to pet him. Once or twice over the last week he’d stood still and let her scratch his head, and though he never actually responded to her touch, he didn’t object to it. He even seemed to recognize his name, or at least, he knew that when she called his name he was about to be fed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tofu eyed at her warily, but walked over and sat down within arm’s reach, but still far enough away that she had to take a tentative step toward him to be able to reach. Stroking the gray fur with calloused fingertips Ellie smiled and crouched there petting him until she couldn’t stand the cold anymore. Giving him one final pat, Ellie gestured to the bowl of food, and turned to go back inside.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her heart swelled at the sight of JJ toddling around her home, cheerfully exploring the unfamiliar space on unsteady legs. Dina had her back to Ellie as she stood preparing canned beans and toast. When she heard Ellie come in, Dina called over to her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie scooped JJ up, and came up behind Dina. Still holding JJ with one arm, Ellie wrapped her free arm around Dina’s shoulders. Dina leaned back into the embrace and reached up to stroke the freckled forearm. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie kissed the top of the shorter woman’s head and pulled her closer, breathing in the scent of her shampoo.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With her face still buried in Dina’s hair, Ellie said “D, I’m glad you’re here.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So, you’re glad I woke you up in the middle of the night and busted in here?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Feigning disgust, Ellie said “No, I didn’t say that. I said I’m glad you’re </span>
  <em>
    <span>here</span>
  </em>
  <span>, not that I’m glad that you interrupted my beauty sleep.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina smacked Ellie’s arm and wriggled out of her grasp, “God you’re annoying.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With a devilish grin, Ellie set JJ down and pulled Dina back in for a tight hug with both arms and said “D...there’s something else.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What is it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie hesitated and let out a dramatic sigh, noticing the way Dina tensed in her arms, waiting for bad news. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie held the pause for another moment, until fighting back laughter, she said “I’m hungry.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Smacking her arm, Dina groaned “Oh my god. Get away from me!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie threw her head back and laughed and although he didn’t understand the joke, JJ burst into a fit of giggles and raised his arms, wanting to be picked up. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“C’mere, Spud!” Ellie scooped him up and leaned against the countertop, facing Dina who was standing over the stove again, heating up the beans and laying out slices of toast. She wore sweatpants and a faded, green sweatshirt of Ellie’s that she must have taken with her when she moved out of the farm. Ellie had always loved seeing Dina in her clothes, feeling that it made Dina look as though she belonged to her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“El?” Dina’s voice sounded uncertain.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mmm?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If we’re going to give this another shot, do you think we could take things slow?” Wringing her hands, Dina continued cautiously “It’s just that we never got to be a young couple going on dates, you know? We went from best friends to lovers on a revenge mission, and then we had JJ…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Shh.” Ellie placed a finger on Dina’s lips to silence her. “Do you want to go on a date with me?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina smiled up at her, “I do.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She had stopped wringing her hands, but Ellie could still see the remnants of doubt in the warm, brown eyes. “Am I being dumb? I know we’ve already lived together and had a kid…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie kissed her, “I would </span>
  <em>
    <span>love </span>
  </em>
  <span>to go on dates with you and take things slow.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you sure?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“D, I’m so happy just having you two here right now. I’m not expecting anything else from you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina smiled up at her and ran her fingers through Ellie’s hair. It was well past her shoulders and it was the longest Dina had ever seen it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Your hair is getting long.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie nodded, “Mhm, it’s been years since it’s been like this.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Want me to cut it for you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, maybe when JJ goes down for his nap?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They’d done this dozens of times over the years, even before they’d gotten together. Ellie would sit in a chair with the sound of Dina’s scissors close to her ear serenading her, and they would talk so much that the haircuts would take twice as long as they should have. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Before they’d started dating, this had been one of the few acceptable forms of intimacy they could enjoy without feeling guilty. After each haircut was done, Ellie would will her hair to grow faster just so she could once again feel Dina’s body close to hers, touching her face, running fingers through her hair.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>JJ was asleep on Ellie’s bed, so the two of them had settled on the opposite side of the room, closer to the door so that they could talk without disturbing him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With her face close to Ellie’s, Dina said “So, what’s with the cat?” She gestured with her thumb and Ellie’s eyes followed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tofu sat watching them through a window from a few yards away, looking at them curiously.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, that’s Tofu.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hiding a smirk, Dina replied “No, that’s a cat.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie rolled her eyes “That was a terrible joke, and coming from me, that’s saying something.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina flicked Ellie’s ear and then placed both hands on the sides of Ellie’s freckled face.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Turn your head this way, a little.” Dina’s soft hands repositioned Ellie’s head, “Since when do you have a cat?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Remember that one Joel fed for a while?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Snip, snip, snip. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mhm, yeah I remember. I thought he stopped coming around ages ago.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He turned up one day a while back, so I took over feeding him. It’ll be snowing soon, so I think I’m going to see if he wants to come in, he’s shy though.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you even like cats?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nope, but he’s an okay guy. We stay out of each other’s way and I hook him up with leftover meat. He’s good company.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina raised her eyebrows “Oh, so the two of you hang out socially?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nah, but it’s nice to know he’s around. It feels a bit less lonely, and I know the old man would have liked me feeding him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That he would…” Dina’s voice trailed off in the way that meant that she wanted to say something but was afraid of Ellie’s reaction.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What is it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is anyone ever going to take Joel’s place?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie shrugged, “I don’t know and I haven’t asked. I don’t think Maria would put anyone there while I’m living here though.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“El…” Dina hesitated “Have </span>
  <em>
    <span>you </span>
  </em>
  <span>ever thought about moving in?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I…” Ellie chewed the inside of her cheek “Yeah, I’ve thought about it. It’s a lot of house for just me, though. And I think it would be lonely without him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It seemed like Dina wanted to push the issue a bit further, but she just nodded her head and went back to work with her scissors.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Snip, snip, snip.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Trying to sound casual, Dina said “I saw the guitar over there.” She nodded her head in its direction.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mhm.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“When are you gonna play something for me?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mmm, I don’t know…” Ellie wasn’t sure that she would ever feel ready to play for anyone again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m not very good.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ehh, you never were.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, fuck off. I seem to remember someone giving me “fuck me” eyes when I would play at the bonfires.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, but that’s just because I was trying to fuck you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Laughing heartily, Ellie sputtered “And now?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Now, I just want to be sure that I didn’t endanger myself going to get the damn thing for no reason.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie raised her scarred eyebrow and replied “So, you admit that you went there for the guitar?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina was crouching down so that they were eye level as she evened out the front of Ellie’s hair, and with a smirk she said “I’ll never tell.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Whatever.” Ellie returned Dina’s smirk, “We both know the truth.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Shut up, now feel…” She lifted Ellie’s hands to feel the length of her hair, “Is this a good length, or shorter?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie felt around, “A bit shorter?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You got it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Snip, snip, snip.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“JJ’s hair is getting long,” Elie observed, “It hangs into his eyes sometimes.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mhm,” Dina hummed, “I know, but I didn’t want to do his first haircut without you there. It’s a thing, you know.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why? He’ll grow more.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s a </span>
  <em>
    <span>milestone</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Williams.” Thinking quickly, Dina decided to have a little fun, “Talia told me that in the old world, parents would sometimes save the hair clippings from a kid’s first haircut.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Wrinkling her nose, Ellie retorted “Why? So they could clone the kid?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Enjoying her distaste, Dina said “Nope. They’d eat it. For good luck.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina was standing behind her, but could clearly imagine the look of horror contorting Ellie’s delicate features: a wrinkled nose, a sneer, and a deep squint of her forest green eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Unable to fight back her laughter, Dina chuckled “I’m just messing with you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, I can’t stand you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina kissed the side of Ellie’s face “Be nice to me or I’ll leave you with an unfinished haircut.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie shrugged “It can’t possibly look worse than the first time you ever cut my hair.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They both laughed at the memory of the uneven layers of Ellie’s hair, that Dina then had to cut shorter than Ellie wanted it, just so that it would be even enough to be passable until it grew back a bit more.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re probably right about that, to be honest.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Releasing a contented sigh, Ellie said “You’re annoying, but this is nice.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mhm.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Snip, snip, snip.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ellie…” Dina paused for a moment, and Ellie waited out the silence with her. Dina had always liked the way that Ellie would just listen to her when she had something important to say.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you for coming here after the farm...I don’t know if I could have coped without ever knowing what happened to you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina’s voice sounded casual, but Ellie could sense the other woman’s sorrow, she knew her well. Ellie reached up and grabbed Dina’s hand, giving it a gentle tug to pull Dina around to face her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I dreamed about you every night. Anytime I was in danger and not sure if I’d make it out, I’d think of you two. I </span>
  <em>
    <span>had </span>
  </em>
  <span>to see you both again.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sniffling a little, Dina replied “Really?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“God, yeah. Even when I wasn't sure that I would be staying in Jackson, I had to at least know that you’d made it here and that you were okay.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, Ellie...I wasn’t okay. I was afraid all the time, worried that you were dead and I’d never even know what happened to you. I was afraid of raising JJ alone. I was afraid that I would never be able to fall out of love with you, and I’d be alone forever…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie waited for Dina to finish speaking and said “I wish that I hadn’t done that to you.” Her voice sounded solemn, and a little sad. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina walked back around to stand behind Ellie.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Snip, snip, snip.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You know, maybe it’s a good thing that you went.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Confused, Ellie asked “How could it be a good thing?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Now I know that you’re here because you want to be. Not out of obligation or because you feel like you owe it to me or something.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie sounded genuinely confused “Obligation?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I mean, I was knocked up when we got together, and then Jesse died...I just worried sometimes that you were there because you felt that you owed Jesse or because you loved me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“D, I love JJ.” Ellie sounded serious now, “Loyalty to Jesse is part of the reason I wanted to raise him, of course, but I’d have stuck around if the dad was someone else.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Really?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“God, yeah. Dina, I love you so much that it kind of naturally extended to JJ even before I met him. I would love </span>
  <em>
    <span>anything </span>
  </em>
  <span>that came from you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh yeah?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fuck yeah. I was crazy about that kid from the start, and anyway, </span>
  <em>
    <span>someone </span>
  </em>
  <span>has to teach him cool stuff and I can’t trust you to do it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Giving her an affectionate punch in the shoulder, Dina grinned “You fucking sap.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Snip, snip, snip.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A few days later, Ellie sat with Cat in the Tipsy Bison. The evenings had grown colder as December wore on and the Bison was increasingly more packed every evening, because people could no longer go outside. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The hum of a dozen conversations and clinking glasses were welcome background noise to Ellie as she and Cat worked, and Ellie marveled at the fact that she was enjoying the fullness of the little diner.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cat leaned over her sketchbook with her straight, black bangs hanging into her eyes. Clutching a pencil in her left hand, she absently shaded the design she and Ellie had been working on.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sounding casual, if a little nosy, Cat said “So you and Dina?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie shrugged “We’re trying, but going slow.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With a smirk, Cat replied “Then you’re not sleeping together?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, we haven’t since…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cat turned her head sharply “You’ve fucked since you got back?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jesus Christ, do you have to be so crass?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m just wondering, Boston.” Cat said innocently “Chill.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie frowned and sipped her drink “We slept together once before we fought, but we haven’t since then.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, why not?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dina wanted to take things slow, and I thought it was a good idea. I mean, I’d like to, but we shouldn’t rush.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Uhh, don’t you think the horse is out of the barn with that? You guys have a fucking kid.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie rolled her eyes “This may surprise you, but JJ isn’t biologically mine. We didn’t have to have sex in order for him to show up.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cat punched her arm “You </span>
  <em>
    <span>know </span>
  </em>
  <span>what I mean. God, you annoy me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, but you love me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With a fond smile, Cat replied “In spite of myself, I do. You’re still dumb, though.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They worked in silence for a while, taking turns with the pencil and eraser, arguing over a design choice occasionally. Ellie liked being with Cat, and she always had, which is what had made it so easy for her to confuse loving Cat as a person with being </span>
  <em>
    <span>in </span>
  </em>
  <span>love with Cat the way she had been with Dina.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So, then you’re really not dating Tawny?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I was never dating her, dude.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cat looked genuinely surprised at this “I thought you were just saying that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What? Why would I lie?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, you also didn’t tell me you and Dina had hooked up, so…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ugh, whatever.” Ellie rolled her eyes theatrically “No, we’re not dating and we never were. She’s just a friend.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay, good. Because I was serious about you putting in a good word.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie rolled her eyes again and leaned over the sketchbook, adding small flourishes to Cat’s design.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When her glass was empty, she flagged Tawny down. The bartender looked even better than usual somehow, even though she was wearing the same outfit she always wore to her shifts here. With her curly hair piled on top of her head in a high bun, she looked so radiant that even Ellie had a hard time looking away from her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“T, can I have another of these?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sure thing, handsome.” Tawny reached out to pat Ellie’s forearm before turning to look at the girl next to her “Anything for you, Cat?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>”Oh, no.” Cat flushed red “...thanks. No thanks.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Yikes. Ellie didn’t remember Cat being this awkward when they’d first gotten together, and she decided that she’d have to take some serious action to get this off the ground because Cat was useless.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Looking up to meet Tawny’s eyes, Ellie said “Actually, Cat thinks you’re cute and she wants to know when you’re free for a date.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cat’s jaw dropped and she smacked Ellie’s bicep.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ow, Cat!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cat smiled apologetically, “Ignore her.” And then through gritted teeth, “She hasn’t had her medicine today.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tawny raised an eyebrow, “So you </span>
  <em>
    <span>don’t </span>
  </em>
  <span>want to go out?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cat stuttered, “No. I mean, yes, I do. I just…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tawny grinned and said “Cool! I’m off at 11. Will you be around then?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Still rubbing her arm, Ellie chimed in before Cat could speak “She will!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cat shot Ellie a look and then smiled at Tawny, “Yeah, I’m free.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Tawny was out of earshot, Cat turned to Ellie and hissed at her “Why can’t you ever just be cool?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I </span>
  <em>
    <span>am </span>
  </em>
  <span>cool. I just got you a date, didn’t I?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can’t stand you. Let’s just finish designing this thing so I can dump you for good.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie had grown to quite enjoy her weekly dinners with Maria and Tommy since they’d started having them in early November. It reminded her of all of the times she and Joel had eaten here and it had felt like the closest thing to a real family that Ellie had ever experienced. That was just one more thing she owed Joel for and had never thanked him: he had brought her to Jackson and had given her Tommy and Maria who would always be family, even though he was gone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maria stared at Ellie with her ice blue eyes, “So, I hear that you and Dina are working things out.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cutting her eyes at Tommy, Ellie replied “Word travels fast, I guess.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tommy shrugged sheepishly and stared intently at his place.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie helped herself to another piece of chicken from the plate in the center of the table, “Yeah, I think we are. We’ve been spending time together and taking it slow.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, I’m happy for you, kiddo.” Tommy grinned widely “I always knew you two would figure it out.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maria glowered at Tommy “And whose fault is it that they even had anything to work out in the first place?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tommy looked sheepish again and took a long sip from his glass of red wine.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
    <br/>
  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>my</span>
  </em>
  <span> fault, Maria.” Ellie cut in “Things were fucked up way before Tommy came to the farm. Hell, I think things are better between us </span>
  <em>
    <span>because </span>
  </em>
  <span>Tommy came to the farm.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maria swallowed a mouthful of chicken, “How d’you figure?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know, I think going to California gave me...closure.” Ellie frowned as that last word left her mouth, hating how serious it sounded.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tommy and Maria nodded at her in unison, “Well, I’m proud of you kid. You’ve really turned things around, in spite of my damn fool husband.” She gave Tommy a look that was full of both annoyance and affection.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tommy snaked an arm around Maria’s shoulders, “I am a fool, indeed. But somehow, I still managed to trick you into marryin’ me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You hid it well.” Maria said tersely.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The Texan laughed merrily and drained his glass. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So, Ellie.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie looked up and met Maria’s eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Farm rotation is just about done. Have you given any thought to the offer I made a few months ago?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The redhead nodded “You mean about me being patrol captain?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maria nodded “You haven’t forgotten.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, I haven’t forgotten. And yeah, I’ve given it some thought.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maria narrowed her eyes, “Well? Have you decided anything?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sighing deeply Ellie said, “I know that I’m good at patrols and I know that I would be good at the job, but the thought of going back out there…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Absently, Ellie rubbed the two stumps that had once been the pinkie and index fingers on her left hand. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tommy chimed in “Remember what I told you at JJ’s party? About how people trust our family and how we’ll probably be relying on you more now that you’re back and healthy?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie nodded slowly. Of course she remembered. She’d been dreading this conversation every time she was alone with the two of them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What did you think about that?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie considered this for a moment, “I guess it makes sense. I mean, the two of you run this place. Makes sense that another member of the family should take on some responsibility.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maria reached out and touched her hand “I want you to be my patrol captain and I need you back out there patrolling and doing supply runs. You’ve always been one of my best and I know that I can trust you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Squeezing her eyes shut, Ellie nodded. It wasn’t until they’d started this conversation that she’d come to realize how much she didn’t want to ever go out on patrol again, but after everything Maria had done for her, she’d do whatever she was asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But,” Ellie’s eyes shot up and she met Maria’s gaze, “But, it’s more important to us that you’re happy. We can’t have you running off again.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shaking her head, Ellie said “I wouldn’t run off. I promised Dina.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Holding a hand up to silence the younger woman, Maria said, “You can’t be my patrol captain if you aren’t patrolling, but you </span>
  <em>
    <span>can</span>
  </em>
  <span> be an instructor. Would you be comfortable with that?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie cocked her head to the side, “What would I need to do?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tommy exhaled and rubbed his hands together, “Well, that’s up to you. We want you to come up with a training course and implement it.” Tommy scratched his beard “And not just for people who are new to patrol, but every able bodied person in Jackson.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maria spoke next “You made it across the damn country and back by yourself, so we know you’re capable of it. People respect you and there’s a lot you could teach them.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Immediately, Ellie’s head was filled with ideas. She would teach them how to shoot and fight, of course. But she would also teach them about snares, general survival tips, minor first aid, and everything else Joel had taught her. This was a way for her to be useful to Jackson, even if she never wanted to patrol again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That sounds…” She felt a little breathless “That sounds great.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tommy poured some more wine into Ellie’s glass and then into his own and said “Think it over and get an answer to me or your aunt by the end of the week, alrigh?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie nodded slowly, but she knew that she wouldn’t need a week to decide.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So you’re going to be a teacher?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie shrugged “Something like that, I guess. They think I can teach things to both newbies and the other residents of Jackson who are lacking in survival skills. I’m actually excited about this, D.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina grinned at the happiness in Ellie’s voice and gave her a kiss on the cheek.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
    <br/>
  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s amazing, Ellie. You’ll be so good.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>DIna was leaning softly into Ellie’s side, enjoying the comfortable weight of Ellie’s arm around her shoulder. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Although they had agreed to take things slow, the two of them spent most evenings together after work. Both women enjoyed the comfortable routine of preparing dinner together, feeding JJ, putting him to bed, and then eating together and talking about their day. They hadn’t had a sleepover since the night Dina and JJ had stayed at Ellie’s place, but Ellie would often stay at Dina’s until both of them were yawning and struggling to stay awake.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Running her fingers along Ellie’s jawline, Dina said simply “So, you ever gonna tell me about California?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie looked down at Dina and raised her scarred eyebrow “Are you ever gonna ask?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina laughed “Okay, fair enough.” And then smiling sweetly she added “So, tell me?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She pressed a chaste kiss to Ellie’s lips and then leaned back under Ellie’s arm, waiting.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sighing, Ellie drained her glass and sat back again. Taking a moment to collect her thoughts before she started speaking.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It took me longer to get there than I planned. I got a bit turned around when I went off route and opted to go through Texas because...it felt right, for Joel, ya know?” She sighed  “I even brought some Texas dirt back to sprinkle on his grave here, haven’t done that yet.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The small pouch of dirt was still sitting in the bottom of her backpack, untouched after all of these months. She’d been thinking of inviting Tommy along with her to sprinkle it over the grave but hadn’t worked up the nerve.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Even though I got turned around, it wasn’t too hard getting there, because I was so determined. I don’t think anyone could have stopped me, although a few people did try. When I got to California and found out where she was being held, I killed…a lot of them when they </span>
  <em>
    <span>did </span>
  </em>
  <span>try to stop me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did you kill her?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Breathless, Dina said “Why didn’t you kill her?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie paused for a while, trying to find the right words to say what was on her mind “When I got back, you asked me if it was worth it and I said ‘no’, but I’ve thought it over and it was, because I couldn’t have ever gotten better if I hadn’t gone. But if I’d killed her, I’d be the same person I was when I went to California. Maybe even a bit worse, and then it wouldn’t have been worth it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina nodded and squeezed Ellie’s hand.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did you find her?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I did.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What happened?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie sighed and told Dina about the Rattlers and their slaves, about the tree she’d been impaled on, about the pillars by the beach, and then how she’d lost her fingers while trying to drown Abby.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She was just a husk of her old self, D. Barely bigger than me, starved, beaten, and God knows what else. She was trying to get that kid to safety, and…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shame washed over her, but she knew that if she didn’t tell Dina the whole story she never would. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She didn’t want to fight, so I threatened to kill the kid.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, Ellie…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know, Dina. I just wanted to kill her so bad, and it was like, if I could just get her to fight me, then maybe it wouldn’t be so bad…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Unaware that she had been holding her breath, Dina said “So, what happened?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Squeezing her eyes closed, Ellie said “I was drowning her, and then...I thought of Joel, and let her go. I let her go before I even realized what I was doing. And then she just left me sitting there in the ocean.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She didn’t try to kill you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie shook her head and continued,  “Anyway, it wasn’t hard going. But coming back...I was wounded pretty badly” she gestured to her side, </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ellie...” Dina reached for Ellie’s hand and laced their fingers together.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m okay now. It was hard and there were close calls. I’d go weeks without seeing anyone that wasn’t infected or tryng to murder me. I was so alone, and I missed you so much”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shuddering a little, Dina said “It scares me to think of you like that…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think I was ever scared for myself, I was just scared I’d never see you again. Angry at myself for having left.” Ellie cleared her throat and finished “I was so sorry for breaking your heart and I still am. I always will be.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina whispered “I forgive you, you know?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I still don’t think I’ve forgiven myself, though. That’ll take more time.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina raised their entwined hands to her mouth and kissed the back of Ellie’s injured hand. She searched Ellie’s face with her brown eyes and ran her hands through the auburn hair, gently brushing the neatly clipped ends. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m glad that you didn’t kill her.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Really?” Ellie felt a flood of relief, “I thought you’d be mad...because of Jesse.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No. I’m not mad. I don’t think this could have ever worked again if you’d done it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ellie, I love you. I’ve loved you since I was sixteen years old, but you hadn’t been yourself for a long time and I missed you so much, even when we were still together.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina’s voice wavered, and Ellie pulled Dina closer, remaining silent to allow Dina the chance to finish her thought.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The things I saw you do in Seattle scared me. I could never be scared </span>
  <em>
    <span>of </span>
  </em>
  <span>you, but I was scared </span>
  <em>
    <span>for </span>
  </em>
  <span>you. Then, when we were at the farm I could see that you weren’t getting better and that scared me, too.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie kissed the top of Dina’s head and squeezed her hand. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ellie, if you’d killed that woman, I don’t think you could have ever gotten over it, and I don’t think I could have either.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah...I think you’re right about that.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you for telling me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Yawning a little, Ellie leaned back against the couch “You’re welcome, babe.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This time, it was Dina who yawned “El, it’s getting late…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I should get home. I’m pretty tired.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie moved to stand up, but Dina tightened her grip on Ellie’s hand.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Stay here tonight?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The taller girl hesitated, “I don’t know…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Quickly, Dina said “Not for sex, I just want you here, I guess. Hearing about all of that...I just want you close.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay, if you’re sure.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sure. Please stay. JJ will be thrilled to see you in the morning.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina blushed, “Don’t be an ass.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Will you make pancakes in the morning?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chewing her lip, Dina said “How about french toast?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m in.” Ellie yawned again, “Let’s go to bed. I’m fucking exhausted.”</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I had some fun with this one, I hope you guys dig it.</p><p>Oh, and listen to “Impossible Landscape” by Children of Nova. They were so sick! Broke up away too soon, imo.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Heartbeats</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The one where it snows.</p><p>Fun fact: it doesn’t snow where I live, so I literally had no idea that snowing makes a sound. I mean, it makes sense, but I’d never thought about it before. Now I’m wondering what else I don’t know.</p><p>Edit: I just told my fun fact to my roommate who says that it only makes a sound if it snows particularly hard. Now I’m confused.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Great job, Ben!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie said this as she eyed the clusters of arrows where they were notched into the rough bark of the trees she’d designated for their target practice. Looking at the targets, it was still easy to tell which arrows had come from her own bow as some were grouped closely together in the center of the target she’d affixed to the tree, while Ben’s were spread further and in some cases didn’t touch the target at all. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Still, despite the fact that he wasn’t particularly skilled in archery yet, Ellie was pleased with his progress considering the fact that he’d never even held a bow before she had started working with him. Watching him learn gave her a sense of peace because she knew that if all else failed, she’d at least done right by this one person, and that was good. Maybe it was even good enough to begin to make up for some of the awful shit she’d done. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sometimes, in moments like these when he stood grinning in the snow like a little boy, she could forget that she was only a few years older than him. Ben had been born in Jackson and had rarely ever ventured outside of its walls, which meant that he’d never experienced even a fraction of the things Ellie told him about in their training. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben stood smiling at her, turning bright red under the rare praise from her. The brilliant grin on his face reminded her of how thrilled he’d been when she asked him to be her first student. It had taken some time to convince his parents, but when Maria personally visited his house and assured them that Ellie was the best at what she would be teaching him, his parents had relented.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Even now, months later he was still so eager to learn that he usually pleaded with her to stay out longer than they were scheduled to be together. If she had time, she’d oblige and spend a bit more time with him, and if she didn’t have time she’d usually still allow him to convince her to stay out anyway.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lately, the cold and snow made it difficult to stay out any longer than they usually did, and they’d taken to spending most of their time back at Ellie’s place where she would teach him survival necessities other than how to kill. No matter what she tried to teach him, he always did well, and although she was usually surprised by this, she shouldn’t have been; Ben had always been a hard worker and a fast learner back in the greenhouse.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When she wasn’t teaching Ben, Ellie worked with Maria and Tommy on patrol schedules, job assignments, and on a few occasions she had gone to meet with traders when neither of them had been able to do so. She worked hard, she felt useful, and she felt optimistic.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span> Optimism. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She’d had to look that word up in a dictionary a long time ago, back in the Boston QZ when she came across the term in a book she’d been reading for class. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Optimism: hopefulness and confidence about the future or the successful outcome of something.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Back when she was just an orphan kid in Boston, the word had tasted bitter on her tongue and it had seemed almost laughable that anyone could ever feel hopeful or confident about a future in this new world. A world where you could have your first kiss with someone you cared about only to have to put a bullet into her head just a few hours later. A world where you could find out that you are immune to a virus, only for that immunity to amount to nothing. A world where you could finally find something like a parent only for him to betray you and then have his skull caved in as you watched.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So this new feeling, this new </span>
  <em>
    <span>optimism</span>
  </em>
  <span> felt foreign to her and almost too fragile to believe in. And yet, she couldn’t help but to imagine a hopeful future where she got to raise JJ with Dina, be a valued part of a flourishing community, and make a difference for the people she loved even if she couldn’t save the world. It had taken her a long time to come to terms with the fact that she couldn’t be the cure that would save this fucked up world, and she knew now that she would be fighting that battle for the rest of her life. As Joel would say, this was her cross to bear.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Looking up, Ellie felt Ben staring at her and realized that he was speaking, and that she hadn’t heard a single word he’d said. She fixed her eyes on the boy, standing there in the snow with a bow in his hands, still smiling brightly. He reminded her a little bit of herself several winters ago; out with her bow trying to find food for herself and a badly injured Joel. The stakes had been high then, much higher than Ben trying to beat his own personal best record within the confines of Jackson.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie smiled back at him and gave him a friendly pat on the shoulder “It’s really coming along, Ben.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Beaming at her, Ben breathed “Can we do some more?” His nose, cheeks, and ears were bright red with cold, but he looked so damn thrilled with her encouragement that she couldn’t help but to be charmed by him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina was waiting for her back at the little house across town, expecting her to be there in time for dinner. Glancing up at the sun’s position in the sky, Ellie knew that Dina would be in the early stages of the evening routine: getting JJ settled after daycare, starting dinner, bathing him if he was too dirty to wait until after he ate…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Still, looking at the boy in front of her, Ellie couldn’t help but to nod reluctantly and hold up one finger, “We can do </span>
  <em>
    <span>one </span>
  </em>
  <span>more round, and then I really have to go or else Dina will kick my ass.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ben did a little hop and pumped his fist in a way that was both endearing and strange to her. Ellie had never been good about sharing her feelings, and she couldn’t even understand why anyone would </span>
  <em>
    <span>want </span>
  </em>
  <span>to display their emotions for all to see. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Even before things had gotten really fucked up, it had taken great effort for her to talk about what went on inside of her head, and lately, she’d been struggling to even put those thoughts down onto paper. She used to pour herself and her emotions into her guitar playing, until her injury put a stop to that.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Now, although she practiced playing guitar left handed, it wasn’t the same. Playing guitar had once been an escape, and now it was cumbersome and often disheartening,</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bringing her back to the present, Ben did another happy hop and damn near </span>
  <em>
    <span>skipped </span>
  </em>
  <span>back into position. Ellie couldn’t help but to smile as she rubbed her hands together, trying in vain to bring some warmth back into them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When they’d finished </span>
  <em>
    <span>two</span>
  </em>
  <span> more rounds of shooting, Ellie glanced up at the sky again, taking note of the clouds in their position high overhead. There would be snow soon, and she hoped to make it back to Dina’s before it arrived. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Standing just inside of the front door, Ellie shrugged off her jacket and hung it up on her designated hook next to Dina’s favorite coat and JJ’s tiny one. She tugged off her boots and called out for Dina. When she didn’t receive a response she padded around the first floor of the house in her socks, grateful to be inside where it was warm after her trek across town in the snow. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The interior of the house was cozy with a fire burning in the fireplace and the smell of something in the oven wafting through the house. A few of JJ’s toys were littered across the living room floor, and Ellie made a mental note to come back to tidy them up after dinner. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina’s voice floated down the stairs “Up here, babe!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Feeling warm inside in the way that only Dina could make her feel, Ellie climbed the stairs eagerly, taking the familiar path to JJ’s bedroom where she figured Dina would be.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As she stepped into his room, JJ was thrust into her arms before she had time to register what was happening. Grinning, Dina stepped up onto her tiptoes to give Ellie a quick kiss, and lifted one hand to rest on a freckled cheek. “Get him bathed, will you? He got filthy at daycare and I need to finish dinner.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie smiled “Sure, babe. I got him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Looking frazzled, Dina ran her fingers through her dark curls as she hurried out of the small bedroom. The walls of JJ’s room were sky blue and decorated with images of dinosaurs that had been lovingly painted by Ellie, and the little bookshelf she’d made for him was overflowing with children’s books she traded for whenever she had the chance. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Smiling down at the baby in her arms, Ellie cooed “Just me and you, Spud.” She lifted him up over her head “How was daycare?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>JJ babbled a happy response to her, and planted a wet kiss on her cheek when she lowered him back against her chest.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As was their routine, Ellie sang to JJ as she bathed him, washed his hair, and let him splash her with water because it made him giggle. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Come with me, my love</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>To the sea, the sea of love.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I wanna tell you</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>How much I love you.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rinsing the shampoo out of his hair, Ellie looked at him thoughtfully “Okay dude, which PJs? I’m thinking dinosaurs, but what do you think?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>JJ just grinned up at her and jovially clapped his chubby hands.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nodding, Ellie whisked him out of the tub and wrapped him in a towel “Yep, dinosaurs. Let’s do this.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When he was dry, Ellie stuffed him into his pajamas and carried him downstairs to the kitchen where Dina was finishing both JJ’s dinner and their own.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sounding amused, Dina said “Ellie, you’re drenched.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well,” Ellie said sheepishly “We were having fun!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you know how cold it is out there?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie shrugged “It’s warm in here, though.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cocking her head to the side, Dina looked at Ellie “So, then it’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>your </span>
  </em>
  <span>fault that he wants to splash me every time I bathe him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie set JJ down in his high chair and moved to get some juice for him, “It depends on how you define </span>
  <em>
    <span>fault</span>
  </em>
  <span>, D.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Stepping close to her, Dina rested both hands on Ellie’s shoulders “You’re so annoying.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You love it…” Ellie smiled coyly, barely lifting the corners of her mouth.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Those brown eyes that she loved found her own, and with a note of reverence that made Ellie blush, Dina said “I do.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She kissed Ellie lightly and handed her JJ’s bowl and spoon, “Feed him while I finish off our dinner?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Looking at the green mush in the bowl Ellie grimaced “God, Dina. Does he really have to eat peas </span>
  <em>
    <span>again?</span>
  </em>
  <span> He hates them, and I hate looking at them.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Stop being such a baby. If you feign enthusiasm well enough, maybe he’ll like them.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Peas suck, Dina.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“They’re good for him,” Dina stroked her chin, looking thoughtful. “Maybe I’ll make </span>
  <em>
    <span>you </span>
  </em>
  <span>eat some. Parents should lead by example, you know.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Wrinkling her nose in disgust, Ellie turned back to JJ with a fake smile plastered onto her face and in a sing-song voice she said “Open up little Spud.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There was no fucking way Ellie was going to eat any peas.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That evening, when Dina was sound asleep with her face buried in the crook of Ellie’s neck, Ellie lay wide awake listening to the snow fall onto the roof and Dina’s even breaths. Ellie squeezed her eyes closed, trying to find a sleep that wouldn’t come. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maybe it was the small voice in the back of her head telling her that she didn’t deserve this happiness that kept her awake. She knew that she had never done anything good enough to deserve the beautiful woman sleeping next to her or the child sleeping soundly down the hall. In fact, she had done things so despicable that it still didn’t make sense to her that she should be the one Dina chose, but Dina </span>
  <em>
    <span>had </span>
  </em>
  <span>chosen her and Ellie was grateful for that.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And really, it didn’t seem </span>
  <em>
    <span>so </span>
  </em>
  <span>strange that the two of them should end up together, because a part of Ellie had always known that in the end it would be the two of them. Everyone else had known it, too, maybe even before Dina and Ellie themselves. Whatever existed between the two women had gotten in the way of Ellie and Cat, and Ellie had suspected even then that it was the cause of at least a few of Jesse and Dina’s many breakups.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie still didn’t believe in luck, but it was strange, really, the way that she and Dina seemed to have been destined to end up together. If she hadn’t been bitten, she would have never met Joel, and if she never met Joel she would have never made it to Jackson, and if he hadn’t made the choices he made, she wouldn’t be alive to cherish this moment with Dina in her arms. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So, maybe in a way it was worth all of the messy bullshit they’d gone through to make it to these simple, easy, comfortable moments. Ellie suspected that she would always feel the occasional twinge of guilt just for being alive when so many people better than her were dead, but in some way these cozy evenings with Dina and the joy of watching JJ grow up made it feel worth it. Humanity be damned.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie figured that it would only get easier with time.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Optimism.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Wait, you guys are seriously moving in together already?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She had already reached the level of drunkenness that eroded any capacity she had for subtlety. Ellie was genuinely happy for her two friends and she was thrilled to see how well the two of them fit together, but moving in together seemed...hasty.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie hadn’t been at the Bison with Cat and Tawny for a few weeks, and she was starting to feel guilty for turning them down so often. So when she told Dina that she might not come over that evening, Dina had given her a forced smile and said that it was okay. Ellie strongly suspected that it was not, in fact, okay and that Cat and Dina would never be okay. But now, hearing Cat talk about moving in with Tawny, Ellie kind of wished that she’d just stayed home with her family.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ellie, it’s already been like three months or something, and we spend every night together anyway.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, but...seriously, Cat?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tilting her head, Cat smirked “Are you jealous?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The fuck? No, you and I broke up ages ago.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cat punched her arm “No, stupid. I meant are you jealous that Tawny and I are moving in together, but you and Dina still haven’t?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh,” Ellie said thoughtfully, chewing her thumbnail, “no, I don’t think so. Things are going well, but I don’t think we’re there yet.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cat rolled her eyes, “Dude, you guys already have a kid, and I assume that you’re at her house every day, because I never see you anymore.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, but officially living together is different.” Ellie exhaled “Honestly, I’ve been kind of thinking of asking her if she wants to but...I don’t know.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, why haven’t you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t want to scare her off, Catherine.” Ellie drained her glass “Unlike you, I want to build a solid foundation before taking the next step.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cat sputtered “Yeah, okay Eleanor.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Scowling, Ellie said “My name isn’t even Eleanor.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Slurring a little, Cat joked “Maybe it ought to be. I mean, who just has a nickname for a name, you know? Really, I’m doing you a favor by calling you that. Maybe it’ll stick.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie punched Cat in the arm “Can you please be serious? I need your help.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sighing deeply, Cat reasoned “Ellie, she loves you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Playing with her fingers in her lap, Ellie murmured “She hasn’t said it. At least, not since the night we agreed to try working things out, anyway.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cat watched Ellie for a moment, “Ellie! That was months ago.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie looked at her helplessly and threw up her hands.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh my God, have you said it to her?””</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, not exactly....”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sounding exasperated, Cat replied “Why the hell not?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know, okay? What if she doesn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>want </span>
  </em>
  <span>me to say it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Raising an eyebrow Cat said “You really should say it. Maybe she’s scared and waiting for you to say it first, because, well you kinda fucked it all up last time.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rolling her eyes, Ellie took a long pull from Cat’s glass, and decided that maybe she didn’t really want Cat’s advice after all.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Look, El. How much more time are you two gonna waste? You love her, yeah?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chewing on a thumb nail, Ellie replied simply “Of course.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Then stop fucking around. Tell her you love her, pop the question, and live the rest of your lives, dude.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ha, okay so you’re a fucking romantic now?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cat shrugged, “What can I say? I’m an expert now. And anyway, I’m mostly just sick of watching you two be so dumb.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We aren’t dumb!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, yeah you are. I knew I liked Tawny, so I went for it. You should try it sometime.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As if she could sense that they were talking about her, Tawny made her way over to their edge of the bar and smiled sweetly at them. She leaned over and kissed Ellie’s cheek, and then gave Cat a lingering kiss on her lips.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tapping Ellie’s arm, Tawny raised an eyebrow “Long time, no see.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know, I know. I’m sorry.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t worry about it, Boston. I’m just happy that you and that girl of yours figured your shit out.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cat turned to her girlfriend “You know, they still haven’t said ‘I love you’.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tawny looked surprised “Why not?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie huffed “We just haven’t…I don’t know.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Smiling softly Tawny patted Ellie’s arm “Well, I know she loves you, so I wouldn’t worry about it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How do you know that?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She used to watch me flirting with you in here and I could swear that she was like seconds away from punching my lights out.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The three women laughed together and Tawny continued “That’s one reason I used to flirt with you so hard.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh?” Ellie raised her scarred eyebrow “Just one of the reasons?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Grinning, Tawny said “Well, that, and you’re hot, so…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Gesturing to Cat with her thumb, Ellie cried “Jesus Christ, Tawny.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The bartender smiled at Ellie’s discomfort and pointed to her girlfriend “What? She has eyes. She knows you’re hot.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cat nodded “Yeah, she’s got a point, El. Stop selling yourself short. Dina is lucky to have you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Clenching her jaw, Ellie said “You guys are fucking weird, and you’re making me thirsty.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Grinning, Tawny held up a bottle and raised her eyebrows at Ellie who happily allowed Tawny to fill her glass again, and then again until she felt warm inside, and her lips felt numb, and she couldn’t think of anything but how good it would feel to fall asleep next to Dina and wake up with her in the morning.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Outside in the cold, Ellie jammed her hands into her pockets and trudged through the snow toward Dina’s house. Her own home was much closer to the Bison than Dina’s, and Ellie knew that it was a bad idea to wander around in the snow by herself when she was drunk, but she couldn’t help it. Ellie wanted to be with her family.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She and Cat had remained at the Bison until it closed, and then the three of them had chatted inside as they clumsily helped Tawny finish tidying up for the night. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Standing in front of the Bison, Cat and Tawny had linked hands and offered to walk Ellie home, but she’d insisted that she could get there alone and made a valiant effort to appear much more sober than she actually was. Apparently, she had been successful because both women had given Ellie quick hugs and then turned to head in the direction of Tawny’s place. They never looked back at her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Somehow, in her drunken haze she found herself standing on Dina’s porch, and fumbled in her coat pocket to find her keys, feeling uncoordinated from the cold and all of the alcohol she’d consumed. In the dim lighting it took her much longer than usual to find the key Dina had given her a few months earlier, and then when she did find it, she struggled to fit it into the lock.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Once inside the front door, Ellie fell over while pulling her boots off and managed to miss the hook entirely when hanging up her coat. She knew that she should pick the coat up and hang it up, but she also suspected that if she bent down to pick it up, she may not be able to stand up again without throwing up. She decided that it could lay there waiting for her until the morning, it wasn’t as if it would be going anywhere without her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She stumbled a little on the stairs, struggling to find each stair in the dark. When she made it to Dina’s room she opened the door as gently as she could, shutting it almost noiselessly behind herself. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie scanned the room in the dark, gauging her level of drunkenness against the amount of effort it would take to dig through her drawer in Dina’s dresser to find clothes suitable for sleeping. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie decided against looking for clothes and settled for ungracefully removing off her pants, shirt, and bra. When she had stripped down and left her clothes on the floor in a little heap, she flopped down onto the bed as gently as she could, scrambling under the covers.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Babe?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina’s voice was thick with sleep as she rolled over to meet Ellie. As if by instinct, Dina rested her arm on Ellie’s bare abdomen and laid her head on Ellie’s chest, tangling their legs together.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She placed a few warm kisses to Ellie’s collarbone and yawned “You’re here.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Slurring a little, Ellie closed her eyes to stop the room from spinning and tried to think of something to say, coming up with only “Yeah, I’m here...”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina chuckled, “I thought you were going to go home tonight.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Feeling too drunk to play it cool, Ellie was shamefully honest “I wanted to be with you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina kissed the underside of Ellie’s jaw “You’re such a sap.” She kissed her again “How much did you guys drink?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mm...a lot.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Gonna be hungover tomorrow?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Slurring still, Ellie sighed “It’s a definite possibility.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Too hungover to go to the park with me and Jay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dunno yet, babe. We’ll see.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They laid that way for a while, in comfortable silence. As Dina rubbed slow circles on Ellie’s abdomen with her thumb, Ellie could feel herself begin to teeter on the edge of a deep slumber, and she was nearly ready to fall into it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, D…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mmm?” Dina hummed sleepily.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie could feel Dina’s teeth against her neck when she smiled “I know you do.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I do.” Dina sighed contentedly “And I love you back.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay,” Ellie sighed “Cool.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Laughing a little, Dina said “Cool?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Cool.” Ellie nodded an affirmation and quickly regretted it when a wave of dizziness hit her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie yawned “This would be really awkward otherwise.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina yawned lazily and pulled Ellie closer to her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why would it be awkward?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“‘Cause I wanna ask you something.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh? What is it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie remained quiet, and Dina listened attentively as her breathing became more even, a telltale sign that she had fallen asleep. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“El..?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When no response came, Dina sighed and leaned up to kiss Ellie’s lips “I love you, idiot.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And then she settled into her own comfortable sleep.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So, we’re wrapping things up here soon, and I’ve been splitting my time between this fic and an AU fic I’m pumped as fuck to share when it’s ready. </p><p>Hope everyone is well!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Take On Me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The one where things fall into place.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Tommy rubbed his eyes with the back of one calloused hand and stared over Ellie’s shoulder, watching carefully as she methodically sanded down a piece of wood. Her movements were precise and deliberate, just the way he’d taught her. He had learned everything he knew about construction and woodworking from Joel, and so when he heard that Ellie was working on a project, it seemed right that he should be the one to teach her, because Joel wasn’t here to do it himself. It reminded him of a promise he'd made to Joel years earlier, when he and Ellie had first arrived in Jackson; Joel had taken him aside and made Tommy swear that he would look out for Ellie if Joel himself was ever unable to do so. So doing this, being here with her now, made him feel as though he was keeping his promise, somehow.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The filtered sunlight streaming into the garage bathed Tommy,  Ellie, and everything surrounding them in a kind of dusty light. The air inside the garage was cool, and because neither of them were talkative people, it was silent save for the sound of sandpaper against wood and the occasional grunt from Ellie as she worked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They’d never explicitly said so, but they found comfort in spending this time together. Tommy reminded Ellie of Joel, and being close to Ellie made Tommy feel as though he was honoring his brother. And as two people who valued a comfortable silence, just being together was enough. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cutting through the quiet, Tommy said “So, how’s it coming along with that boy?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It amused Ellie that Tommy always called Ben “that boy”, even though he had to have known the kid’s name by now. She didn’t even bother to correct him anymore.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie shrugged, noncommittal, “Good. He shoots pretty well, and he’s a fast learner.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tommy dragged a stool over to sit next to her and groaned with relief as the strain was taken off of his bad leg, “Good job, kid!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Eternally uncomfortable with praise, Ellie smiled shyly and shook her head at his enthusiasm, "He's the one doing all the work, not me."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And how are Dina and JJ?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie’s smile widened as she turned back to her work, “They’re good. JJ’s really walking now, and he talks a lot more.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sounding a bit bashful Tommy asked “Are you and Dina good?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Although it had been more than a year since that day at the farm, Tommy and Dina were still uncomfortable with each other, and Tommy seemed to still be harboring guilt over having encouraged Ellie to go to Santa Barbara no matter how many times she’d told him not to blame himself. Ellie wondered if things would ever be normal again between all of the people she loved, although it didn’t seem likely.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Swiping at a few stray hairs that fell into her eyes, Ellie answered “Yeah, we’re good. I was actually thinking of asking her if she wants to get a place together.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cheerfully, Tommy clapped a hand on her shoulder and said “Yeah?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Trying to sound casual and pragmatic, Ellie said “Yeah, I spend most of my time at her house anyway, so it would make sense. If we lived in one house, then the other house could go to someone else.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tommy scratched his beard “Maria could get you guys set up somewhere new, if you want.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie frowned down at her work and tried to look more focused than she actually was “I was...actually thinking of asking Maria for Joel’s old place.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tommy leaned over and took one of Ellie’s hands in his own, adjusting her grip on the tool she was holding. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He sounded hesitant, trying to gauge her mood, “It’s fine with me, but are you sure?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I think so.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“D’you want me to talk to her?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie waved one hand dismissively “Nah, I’ll track her down soon. I gotta run it by Dina first.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They lapsed back into a comfortable silence and worked that way for a while longer, with Ellie carefully following Tommy’s instructions and Tommy taking care to explain each step as clearly as he could.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Around midday, Ellie rose to her feet and stretched her arms up over her head. She’d promised Cat that she would go over to help her move into their new place. The process of finding a new house for the two of them had taken longer than expected, and Cat had been living out of boxes that were piled haphazardly around Tawny’s little flat.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Fortunately, now that it was obvious that Cat and Tawny were serious, Dina didn’t seem to be bothered by Ellie spending time with them anymore, and she was actually cordial when they were around, but it didn’t escape Ellie’s notice that she didn’t volunteer to help them with the move.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tommy didn’t stand up when Ellie did, but he did spin around on the stool to face her as she gathered up her things. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Clapping his hands together once, Tommy leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees and declared “Good work today, kiddo. She’s gonna like this.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thanks again for all the help, Tommy. Is it cool if I come back tomorrow?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sure thing, you know I’ll be here.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In the months since his reconciliation with Maria, Tommy drank considerably less and stayed home more. He was looking healthier and more alert than he had since before his injury, but there was still an air of sadness about him that was palpable and it hurt Ellie to see it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Acting entirely on impulse, Ellie threw her arms around Tommy’s neck and gave him a quick hug, beginning to pull away just as he wrapped his arms around her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When he released her from his embrace, Ellie gave him a bashful wave and lifted the garage door, lowering her head to duck under it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey kid!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie stopped with her hand still on the door and turned to look at him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He'd be proud as hell of you. And so am I.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She grinned at him and felt her face heat up. When Tommy returned the smile, she lifted the door and walked out into the sunshine. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Setting down the last box on a table, Ellie raked the back of her arm over her sweaty forehead. It was an uncharacteristically warm day for a spring day in Jackson, and Ellie was beginning to regret her promise to help with the move.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Fighting to catch her breath, Ellie huffed “Jesus, Catherine. What the hell do you keep in here?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That one,” Cat pointed at the box Ellie had just set down, “Is filled with the bodies of my other exes who complained all the time.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Considering the size of the box, Ellie said “Hm, well, they must be pretty small…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, they couldn’t be any smaller than you, beanpole. Do you ever eat?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie toed another box with her shoe, pushing it further into the house “You know I’m doing this for free, right?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Making no move to help, Cat said simply “I’m considering it to be payment for my services over the last year.“ Crossing her arms, Cat went on, “I take credit for you and Dina, you know.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fucking </span>
  <em>
    <span>how</span>
  </em>
  <span>?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cat grinned slyly and threw her hands up, “Moral support, asshole.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh my god,” Ellie groaned “I’m glad Tawny is finally taking you off of my hands.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Me too!” Cat hopped up onto the dated formica countertop, “She’s uh, </span>
  <em>
    <span>really </span>
  </em>
  <span>good with her hands, so…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie shuddered, “I </span>
  <em>
    <span>swear</span>
  </em>
  <span> I could have gone the rest of my life without that information.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, don’t be a fucking prude, Ellie.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie stuck her tongue out at Cat and leaned against the counter opposite the other girl, “I’m </span>
  <em>
    <span>not </span>
  </em>
  <span>a prude. You of all people would know that.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cat tilted her head to one side, causing an avalanche of dark bangs to fall into her eyes. When she reached up to brush them back, Ellie noticed a new tattoo on the back of her left arm. Cat was left-handed, which meant that she must have tattooed it with her non-dominant hand. It was a shame really, because in another life Cat could have been quite a successful tattoo artist.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie rarely gave much thought to who she would have been if she hadn't been born after the outbreak, but she supposed that she would have been a scientist or a musician. She found it difficult to imagine a life of playing guitar or studying space for a living, but she would have enjoyed it. During the long trip that would ultimately lead them here to Jackson, Joel had told her all about the life of musicians before the outbreak. He told her all about how they’d travel all over the world and play songs for people, and earn a lot of money doing it. Ellie thought it sounded romantic like a troubadour from one of her old books, and when she told Joel that, he’d laughed and told her about sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll. She hadn't said so to Joel, but the rockstar life seemed even better than that of a troubadour.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The shorter girl turned to rummage through a box that sat next to her on the counter, and eventually managed to locate two glasses. She hopped down and strode over to the sink, filling both glasses to the brim and passing one to Ellie.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, El?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie looked up over her glass as she chugged the water to meet Cat’s stare.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How long have we known each other?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie wiped her mouth and shrugged “I dunno. Five or six years, I guess.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cat absently chewed the inside of her cheek, the way she did when she was thinking hard about something.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rushing to get the words out, Cat blurted “Don’t make this weird, but you’re my best friend, you know?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie considered making a joke to lighten the mood, but stopped short when she saw the look of sincerity in Cat’s eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Ellie raised the glass to her lips again, “I guess you’re mine, too.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I just wanted to say that. I know it’s been a rough couple of years, but I’m proud of you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Really?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” Cat brushed her bangs back again, “I mean, you made it this far.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tugging at a loose thread on the sleeve of her shirt, Ellie said “Things were shitty for a long time. Like between us when we broke up” She wagged a finger between the two of them. “And between me and Joel, and then everything after...”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Still toying with the sleeve of her shirt, Ellie continued “But it feels like things are falling into place, you know? I think things are going to be okay.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A look of relief washed over Cat’s face as she stepped forward and threw her arms around the taller girl.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Stunned by the sudden display of affection, Ellie’s arms dangled loosely at her sides for a moment until she wrapped her them around Cat’s waist, resting her cheek on the top of the smaller woman’s head. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Gripping the back of Ellie’s shirt, Cat whispered “I </span>
  <em>
    <span>love</span>
  </em>
  <span> you, you know? Not like, in a gay way but…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I know. Me too.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I was so </span>
  <em>
    <span>worried </span>
  </em>
  <span>about you, asshole. When you ran off to Salt Lake City when we were kids, and then when you all ran off to Seattle, and when then you ran off to California, and then you turned up here half-starved…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Stepping back when she regained her composure, Cat wiped a few tears off of her cheeks with her sleeve, and Ellie turned her own face so that Cat wouldn’t notice the tears that pooled in her green eyes threatening to fall.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, Cat. I was kind of fucked up.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cat snorted “Kind of fucked up? That’s an understatement.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie groaned and swiped at her eyes, “Yeah, I know.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“God, it’s like Barbara fucking Walters in here.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Who?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m not sure. My mom used to say that a lot, though.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie frowned “Hm, I think maybe I’ve heard of her…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cat shrugged, and Ellie shrugged back, a comfortable silence settling over them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tugging Ellie’s glass out of her hands, Cat walked over to the sink to refill it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, bad news.” Cat said as she passed the glass back to Ellie.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What is it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I just remembered,” she tilted her head toward the box Ellie had just set down, “That wasn’t the last box.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Babe?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina called out when she heard Ellie pull the door open and set her bag down. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tossing her keys onto a counter, Ellie yelled “Yeah, it’s me. Sorry I missed JJ’s bedtime. Cat has a lot of shit.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina scoffed “I just can’t believe they’re already moving in together. It’s been like five minutes.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know!” Ellie tugged her boots off and dropped them by the front door, replying “That’s what I said.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Weird.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, a little. You know what they used to call that in the old world? Tawny told me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie leaned over the back of the couch and pressed a kiss to the side of Dina’s face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What’s that?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Climbing over the back of the couch, she flopped down and rested her head in Dina’s lap, staring up at her for dramatic effect, “They called it U-hauling.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina’s fingers deftly worked their way through Ellie’s hair, gently untangling a few knots and massaging her scalp.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s...I don’t really get the reference, but I guess it means that lesbians move in together quickly? I don’t know.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina laughed “So you repeated a joke and didn’t understand what it meant?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Grateful that Dina couldn’t see the redness blooming on her cheeks in the dim lighting, Ellie muttered “Yeah, I guess so.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina stroked Ellie's forehead with her thumb and smiled warmly, “Only you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The brunette’s voice was so full of affection that Ellie felt a sudden surge of bravery. </span>
  <span>She cleared her throat and then said “Um, so what do you think about us getting a place?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It wasn't the most graceful or romantic way to ask that question, but Ellie knew that she would lose her nerve if she waited any longer.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina tapped her chin in mock consideration, holding the silence to ramp up the drama, and then sighed “I guess so. On two conditions.” She held up two fingers.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Uh oh.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We have to go to the farm to get the rest of your stuff, babe. It might be...nice to go together.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You think so?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. It could give us closure or something. We could make a day of it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If you want to.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think it’ll be nice. We can leave JJ with his grandparents, that way we can take our time.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie stared up into Dina’s eyes, and reached for one of her hand, bringing the knuckles to her lips as she spoke with the back of Dina's hand still resting against her mouth, “I fucking </span>
  <em>
    <span>love</span>
  </em>
  <span> you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina resumed massaging Ellie’s scalp “Mm, I love you back.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What’s the second condition?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Smirking, Dina glanced toward the stairs “If we’re going to live together again, I wanna be sure you still know what you’re doing.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie collapsed back against the pillows, strong hands still gripping Dina’s naked thighs on either side of her own hips. Still straddling her, Dina wiped her hand on the sheets next to Ellie’s head and rested one hand on her pale chest for balance. She leaned forward and captured Ellie's lips with her own, and Ellie brought her hands up to cup Dina’s face, deepening the kiss.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Dina finally pulled away and sat up again, Ellie’s eyes began to slowly drift closed. Teetering on the edge of sleep, Ellie ran her hands up and down the length of Dina’s thighs and savored each curve under her fingertips.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Babe?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie opened one sleepy eye and hummed “Mmm?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sing me my song?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Still struggling to control her breathing, Ellie protested “D, I can barely </span>
  <em>
    <span>talk</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh,” Dina raised her eyebrows “That good, huh?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie scrunched up her face in mock disappointment, “Ehh, I’d give it a six.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina scoffed “That’s <em>not</em> what you were saying five minutes ago. In fact, you weren’t saying much at all. Just moaning and yelling.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Stroking Dina’s thighs with her thumbs, Ellie admitted “You really outdid yourself.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, I’m not above withholding sex if you don’t sing to me.” Dina joked and gently raked her nails over Ellie’s rib cage.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Groaning under her touch, Ellie muttered “I’d dump you for extortion if the sex wasn’t so damn good.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina leaned close to her ear and whispered “You have </span>
  <em>
    <span>no </span>
  </em>
  <span>idea how good it can be.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chills went up Ellie’s spine, and her hips bucked involuntarily.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“God, okay.” Ellie gripped Dina’s hips “But I can’t think with you doing...that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie gestured to Dina as she rocked her bare ass against Ellie’s lap.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Reluctantly, Dina rolled onto her side and snuggled close to Ellie, kissing her neck once.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie squeezed her eyes shut again, and wrapped an arm around Dina. She cleared her throat and began.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Talking away. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I don’t know what</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I’m to say, I’ll say it anyway.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Today’s another day to find you.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Shying away,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I’ll be coming for your love, okay?</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Take on me.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Take me on.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I’ll be gone </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>In a day or two.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maria scrutinized Ellie under the dim lighting of her office, narrowing her ice blue eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sighing, the older woman said “Okay, kid. If you’re sure.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She fished the keys out of her desk drawer and slid them across the surface of the desk to Ellie.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nodding resolutely, Ellie responded “I’m sure.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You need help fixing the place up?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nah, Cat owes me a favor. I think we can handle it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Alright, let me know if you decide that you do need people. I can send some boys over.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Elle grinned at her “Thanks, Maria.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie stood to walk away, but rested her palm on the doorknob, turning back to say “Thank you for, you know. Everything.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maria laughed low and waved her away “Anytime. Anything. You know that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie walked through the door feeling light.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>As always, thank you to everyone who's been reading along. I appreciate it. I think we have two or three chapters left here.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Jigsaw Falling Into Place</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The one in Joel’s house.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Dina had offered to come with her, but Ellie felt that the first time she walked through Joel’s door again she should be alone, and as she crossed the threshold into the quiet of his abandoned house, she knew that she had made the right decision.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The interior of the house was absolutely still, with only the sound of the floorboards creaking beneath her feet as company. It made no sense, but some small part of her had expected this house to still be filled with warmth, the smell of clean sawdust, and some of the old man music she loved to tease Joel about.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Usually, when a person died or left Jackson, their home and belongings would be redistributed to other residents. But most of Joel’s things were still in the house, untouched, with a thick layer of dust coating the undisturbed furniture, paintings, and even the very walls. Ellie didn’t know why Joel’s house and belongings hadn’t been scavanaged for this purpose, but she was grateful to find that it was still intact and appeared much the same as it had been when she was last here.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Stepping into the living room, Ellie approached the old record player and flipped the lid up, curious to see what he’d been playing last. She could picture him now: playing music through this record player with a cup of coffee in his hand, getting ready to head out to work on that last morning without any idea that he’d never be back, a spark of hope newly reignited in his chest that he and Ellie would be able to repair their relationship. Staring down at the turntable made her feel a little sick with the realization that these were likely the last songs he’d ever heard.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She lifted the record out of the turntable and held it out in front of her the way Joel had taught her: by its edges, carefully ensuring that the oils from her fingers didn’t get into the grooves of the record. Despite the fact that the dust cover had been closed for two years, there was a thin layer of dust blanketing both sides of the record. She blew on it gently and tipped it a little to allow sunlight to wash over its faded label.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was difficult to read the words printed on the label, even after she used her sleeve to wipe away a stubborn smudge of dirt. Frowning down at the record in her hands, she could just barely make out enough of the title to know what it was.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>R d oh ead - n R inb ws</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>An involuntary grin exploded onto her face.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Joel had loved this fucking record. He’d shown it to her one night when she’d walked into this very room unannounced and teased him for listening to Willie Nelson and his other old man music from “back in the day”. He’d frowned at her over the paperback book he was reading, and tossed it down on the coffee table with his reading glasses. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Old man music, huh?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He stood and pushed past her gently, placing his palm on her bicep to move her away from the shelf of records. He thumbed through them, and Ellie had to bite back a comment about how if he’d just kept his records alphabetized, he wouldn’t be struggling to find the one he wanted. She had never been an organized person, but she always made sure that her music and comics were properly stored for ease of access.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Sliding one record out of the shelf, Joel held it out in front of him in triumph, “Ahh, yes. This one.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>She’d squinted at the cover over his shoulder to read the name, taking in the multicolored print on the cover.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Snorting, Ellie said “In Rainbows? That sounds, well, gay.” She crossed her arms and smirked at him “Anything you need to tell me, old man?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Fixing her with a withering gaze,  he muttered “Yeah, I need to tell you to go sit down and shut the hell up.” His face was stoic, but there was just the faintest twinkle of amusement in his eye that told her that he was kidding. She considered arguing with him, but decided that she was too curious to hear the music he was making such a fuss over.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>She dropped onto the couch, rubbing her skinned knees through her ripped up jeans.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Today or tomorrow, old man?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He ignored her and busied himself starting the record player and tweaking its settings. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Damn kids” Joel muttered under his breath with his back to her. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>But when he dropped the needle and turned to smile at her, he looked so damn cheerful that she couldn’t help but to smile back at him. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Dropping into an armchair facing her, he flashed her another grin and said “Ready to have your mind blown?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>And it was.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie debated starting the record from the beginning, but opted instead to skip straight to the track she and Joel had long ago agreed was the best on the whole damn album. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She took a moment to carefully remove a piece of fluff from the needle and then started the turntable. It took her a few tries to find the correct groove for the song she wanted to play, but when she heard those opening notes, she smiled with satisfaction and stalked over to take a seat, choosing the armchair Joel had been sitting in the first time he played this for her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Just as you take my hand</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Just as you write my number down</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Just as the drinks arrive</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Just as they play your favourite song</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>As your bad day disappears</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>No longer wound up like a spring</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Before you had too much</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Come back in focus again...”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She played the same song over and over and over again, like rewinding a memory. Relishing the lyrics that had made Joel nod his head and say “Did you </span>
  <em>
    <span>hear </span>
  </em>
  <span>that, Ellie? Thom Yorke was a </span>
  <em>
    <span>genius.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Then they’d debated about where Thom Yorke had probably ended up. Could he have survived the initial outbreak? Was he a bloater in a Hollywood mansion somewhere? Joel always said that none of the Hollywood types would have been tough enough to hack it in the early days of the outbreak, but Ellie silently disagreed with him, preferring instead to believe that the musicians she loved, like the music they’d left behind, were immortal. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Eventually, she turned off the record player, sighing as she slid the record back into its sleeve. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Somehow, the air in Joel’s bedroom seemed even more still than it did in the rest of the house. The blinds were shut tight against the fading sunlight, but she could see that there was dust coating all of the furniture, along with the book on his nightstand, and the blinds themselves. Pulling open the dresser drawers, she found that most of them were completely empty, save for the occasional hairbrush or book of matches.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In Joel’s closet, she flipped the lightswitch and saw that none of his clothes were hanging up anymore, but had been packed into boxes along with the contents of his dresser drawers and then piled on the floor of the closet. She wondered absently who would have packed up his things, and decided that this seemed like Maria’s handiwork.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie sank down onto her knees and opened the flap of one cardboard box, waving away the small cloud of dust that drifted toward her. She reached in and fished out one of his favorite shirts and brought it close to her face. It was a charcoal gray crew neck that she immediately recognized as the one he’d been wearing when she’d confronted him in Salt Lake City a few years before he died. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her heart twisted at the memory of how much of an asshole she’d been, barely even giving him the chance to explain, not caring when she saw how hurt he was. Part of her had actually enjoyed the sadness in his eyes, wanting to hurt him as much as he’d hurt her, and she felt ashamed of herself.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pressing the collar of the shirt to her nose, Ellie inhaled deeply and found that being packed away in a box for two years had preserved Joel’s scent. Without thinking, she pulled her own shirt off and slipped Joel’s over her head. It was too big for her, but wearing it brought her some comfort, much the way his old jacket had comforted her during that long trip to California.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>— </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Ellie decided that she couldn’t handle being in the house any longer, she stepped out onto the porch and paused to lock the front door with the key Maria had given her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She leaned against the porch railing that looked out over the street, and considered the fact that It was just past dusk now, which meant that Dina had probably just finished feeding JJ his dinner.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>and would be running his bath. She had told Dina that she might be back late, but she still felt guilty for missing JJ’s nighttime routine.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The street lights lining the sidewalk were slowly flickering to life, and Ellie gazed longingly at her garage apartment and considered how easy it would be to go in, lock the door, and shut out the rest of the world, instead of making the long walk back to Dina’s. But she’d promised Dina that she would come straight back when she was done here, and since they’d gotten back together, Ellie had been careful to be where she told Dina she would be so that she wouldn’t have to worry. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Standing on the porch in almost the exact spot she’d been standing during that last conversation with Joel she could recall almost every detail of their last exchange. She had been just nineteen years old then, with no idea that her entire life would be turned upside down in less than 24 hours. Back then, things like town dances and grudges had seemed so important to her because she had gotten soft during her four years in Jackson. Not being concerned about your immediate survival had its way of lulling a person into a false sense of security and allowed too much time to fret over meaningless moments in one’s personal life.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“My life would have fucking mattered.” She’d told him, unable to hold back the anguish in her voice. “But you took that from me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And Joel, with a degree of confidence she hadn’t heard from him in years, spoke clearly and plainly, “If somehow, the Lord gave me a second chance at that moment, I would do it all over again.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie had been knocked breathless by his words, stunned by the weight and implication of them, because they made it all make sense. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was love. He </span>
  <em>
    <span>loved </span>
  </em>
  <span>her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Those words had been the beginning of her coming to understand Joel and why he had made the choices he made, and now that she had JJ, she knew that she would have made the same choices Joel had made, if it were JJ being operated on by the Fireflies instead. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie wished that she had one of the time machines they used in her Savage Starlight comics so that she could tell Joel that she forgave him or that she appreciated everything he’d done for her. But more than anything else, she wished that she had told Joel even once that she loved him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She wished that she hadn’t wasted so much fucking time when Joel had always been right here on this porch with his guitar waiting for her to come over and let him tell her how much she meant to him and how sorry he was. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Feeling heavy, she pushed herself away from the porch railing and started for the steps. It was dark now, and she knew that Dina would start to worry about her if she didn’t get back soon. When she reached the bottom of the steps, she saw a gray ball of fur with yellow eyes lurking around the edge of the porch. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Taking a few steps forward, she squinted into the darkness to be sure that she was, in fact, looking at Tofu. She hadn’t seen him since her botched attempts to lure him into her house over the winter when she had tried everything she could think of to coax him into coming inside while he flat out refused to do so. Eventually, he’d gotten tired of her trying to trick him into coming in and stopped coming around at all.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie rolled her eyes at herself and walked to her own front door, figuring that if Tofu was coming around he was probably hungry or thirsty. She unlocked the door and pushed it open, not bothering to close it properly when she walked in, figuring that she’d be in and out quickly enough that it didn’t matter. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tossing the shirt she’d discarded in favor of Joel’s onto the back of a chair, Ellie headed to the kitchen and rummaged in the refrigerator for something suitable for Tofu to eat. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When she found some leftover meat to dump into a bowl, she turned to make her way back outside to deliver it to him. The front door was open wider now and sitting just inside the door was Tofu, staring at her as she moved around the little apartment.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Amused, Ellie said “Oh, so </span>
  <em>
    <span>now </span>
  </em>
  <span>you want to come in when it isn’t even snowing anymore.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tofu just stared at her, uncomprehending and unimpressed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She shrugged and set the bowl of meat down near him, saying “Well, if you want to stay here, I’m sure Dina won’t mind. I think she likes cats.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tofu eyed her suspiciously as though </span>
  <em>
    <span>she </span>
  </em>
  <span>had just broken into </span>
  <em>
    <span>his </span>
  </em>
  <span>house, and walked past her and the bowl of food quickly enough that she couldn’t touch him when he passed. He zigzagged around his new surroundings a few times before ultimately jumping up onto her bed, settling himself in a comfortable nest of blankets.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Smiling, Ellie strode over to the desk and fished out her old Walkman and a cassette out of a drawer. She dropped into the desk chair and put her feet up, settling the headphones over her ears as she did so.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“The walls are bending shape,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>They’ve got a Cheshire cat grin</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>All blurring into one</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>This place is on a mission.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Before the night owl</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Before the animal noises</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Closed circuit cameras</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Before you’re comatose.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina rushed to greet Ellie when she heard the key in the door, and threw herself into Ellie’s arms before she even had time to close the door behind her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Voice low and nervous, Dina pressed a gentle kiss to Ellie’s lips and asked “Babe, how was it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It was…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie looked away past Dina, as if searching for the right words. But she was already slipping away, and this time she could feel it happening. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They both could. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her heart was pounding in her ears, her legs felt weak, the room around her seemed much smaller than it usually did. Thoughts and memories and flashes of nightmares slammed through her head in seconds long fragments.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Joel, brains, Abby, fingers floating in the sea, crucifixes, Riley, Jesse, Joel, Nora, blood, brains.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It seemed silly to her that she’d managed to spend hours in Joel’s house without a panic attack and could feel one coming on now as soon as she stood in Dina’s foyer.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ellie,” and her face was suddenly encased in two tender, warm hands “Hey, stay with me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie raised her eyes slowly and reluctantly, leaf green and red rimmed, too tired to even try to fight back the tears anymore. It was almost a relief when she felt them start to slip down her cheeks, warm and salty, one less burden to carry.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina pressed her lips to both freckled cheeks, kissing the tears away while stroking the back of Ellie’s neck.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Averting her eyes, Ellie whispered “It was really, </span>
  <em>
    <span>really</span>
  </em>
  <span> hard.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her voice sounded shaky and fragile, like a leaf so brittle and dry that the slightest touch could reduce it to a find powder.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you want to talk about it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie really didn’t want to talk about it, but Dina’s voice was warm and kind and full of affection, and she felt guilty for shutting her out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie shook her head, not trusting herself to speak.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“El, are you sure you want to live there? We can stay here, or get a new place.” With a small smile Dina lifted Ellie’s chin to meet her gaze “You go, I go. Remember?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Managing a small smile in return that didn’t quite reach her eyes, Ellie started “I think...” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When her voice broke, she waited for it to clear again, appreciating the way that Dina stayed quiet to allow her to gather her composure. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think…maybe it will be a good thing: me, you, and Jay together. And Joel would be part of it then, if we’re in his house...”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Always patient, always supportive, Dina murmured “Hey, whatever you decide, we can paint it and make it our own if that’ll make it easier.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I do have a few ideas.” Ellie sounded small and sad and barely audible. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lacing their fingers together, Dina leaned her head into the crook of Ellie’s neck.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Tell me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The two of them hadn’t actually needed any help moving in, considering the fact that each of them only had as many possessions as they had been able to carry on their backs during their long journey to Jackson. They’d accumulated a few more belongings each after arriving in Jackson: mainly clothes and a few paperback books, but nothing that they couldn’t have carried over to their new place from Tommy and Maria’s in just one trip.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Still, Tommy had insisted on driving them over in his old pickup truck, and Maria had surprised Ellie by actually giving her a hug before she left for work in the morning, apologizing that she couldn’t join them to help with the move in. Despite the lingering air of awkwardness between Joel and herself, the two of them shared the same exasperation at the fuss Joel’s brother and sister-in-law were making over them.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It had been decided when Maria assigned this house to them that Ellie would set up her own space in the garage out back, and that Joel would take the main house, but Joel had still asked her on more than one occasion whether she was sure that she didn’t want to live in the big house with him.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ellie wasn’t sure if it was because he was worried about her out there alone, or if it was because he had grown as accustomed to her presence over the past year as she had grown to his. Even though Joel had become something like a parent to her, she wanted to show him and everyone else that she could be independent and look after herself. Although, a tiny part of her did wish that Joel had pushed a bit harder for her to take one of the spare bedrooms in his place.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>When Tommy’s old truck came to a halt in front of their new home, Ellie had been the first one out of the truck, sprinting to the back of the truck to reach in for her backpack and the one other box of things she’d accumulated over the weeks in Jackson.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>She took off down the little path to her own place ignoring the shouts of the two Miller brothers as they yelled something at her. Turning to holler back at them over her shoulder, she said that she was just going to put her things down in her room and meet them in Joel’s place. Standing in front of her door, Ellie shifted the box onto her hip and dug around in her pocket for the key to her new home. Joel had the spare, but had promised her that he wouldn’t ever come into her space without her express permission. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Her hand shook at little as she slid the key into the lock, and she rolled her eyes at the way she was literally trembling with excitement like a child. She’d never had even a room to herself as she’d shared with several other girls in the Boston QZ and had effectively been camping outside with Joel for the last year.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>When she got the door unlocked, she set the box of stuff down on the desk and dropped her backpack onto the floor next to it. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It was dimly lit, a little drafty, and not terribly cozy, but it was hers. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>On their first night living in Joel's house with Dina and JJ, Ellie had a dream that woke her up. This wasn’t an unusual occurrence, and usually she’d feel Dina’s arms around her before she was even aware that she’d been having a horrible nightmare.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was dark in their new bedroom, and it was still unfamiliar enough that it took her a moment to realize where she was and that she was where she was supposed to be.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They’d swapped out some of Joel’s furniture with things from Dina’s because Ellie said she was too creeped out to have sex with Dina in Joel’s bed. The boxes of his clothes had been moved to the garage so they could sort through them later and decide what to keep. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>One small bedroom had been turned into JJ’s room, and Ellie had spent weeks painting designs on his walls. He was still too young to appreciate it, but it made her feel good to do this one thing for him.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When the fog of sleep cleared, she realized that she was clutching Dina close to her, with tears streaming hotly down her own cheeks. She felt grateful that for once, she hadn’t disturbed Dina’s sleep with her night terrors. There was a small whisper of relief at the fact that she’d woken up crying instead of screaming.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Progress.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The wooden floorboards creaked under her canvas sneakers as she crossed the threshold into Joel’s house for the first time.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ellie glanced around her immediate surroundings, and when she didn’t see either Miller brother; she bellowed “Hey, where are you guys?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The ceiling above her head groaned as Tommy made his way to the top of the stairs, saying “Damn girl, you got some lungs on you. Didn’t your mother ever tell you not to holler in the house?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Scowling, Ellie said “I’m an orphan, Tommy. My mother didn’t have time to teach me anything before she croaked.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>With a sly smirk, Tommy said “I can see that. Now, get up here, girl.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ellie liked the way Tommy treated her. It was just the right balance of not treating her like a helpless child, while also giving her space to goof off when it was necessary. Joel, on the other hand, had a tendency to be too protective for her taste, even though she knew that he was only being so damn annoying because he cared about her or whatever.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>When she joined Joel and Tommy upstairs, she found that evidently, she had missed the first leg of Tommy’s tour of Joel’s fucking mansion, but she was still impressed with the huge amount of space that she’d seen on her way to where Joel was standing with his hands on his hips. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>With a low whistle she said “Whew, old man. You sure you can handle this place all by your lonesome? What if you fall and break a hip?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Scowling at her, Joel said “Hey, if you’re jealous that you’re gonna be living in that drafty garage, maybe I could be persuaded to let you sleep in my guest bathroom. You’ve slept worse places than a bathtub.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>They laughed together because it was true. Together they’d slept in abandoned buildings, in an empty swimming pool, a sketchy treehouse that she’d begged Joel to sleep in, a cold garage floor in the dead of winter next to Joel’s feverish body…</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’d rather sleep in my drafty garage than listen to one more night of your snoring. I’ll probably still be able to hear it out there.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Turning to Tommy, Joel gestured to Ellie with his thumb, “No goddamn manners on this kid, I tell ya.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Giving him a good-natured flash of her middle finger, Ellie wandered into one of the bedrooms that looked out over her little apartment and the woods behind it. She could hear Joel telling Tommy that he intended to turn this room into a woodworking shop. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“...maybe I’ll try my hand at luthiering again.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ellie called out over her shoulder “What the fuck is that?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Luthiering. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The word sounded kind of cool. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>In that gruff way of his, Joel replied “It’s rude to eavesdrop.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Just tell me.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“It means that I want to try making guitars.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Oh.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>That explanation wasn’t nearly as interesting as she’d hoped.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>She turned back to look out of the window, and in the distance she saw two dark-haired figures. A boy and a girl, and they seemed to be deliberately approaching the house.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>When they got closer, Ellie realized that it was Dina and Jesse. Two kids she’d met a few weeks back and had seen around a few times. She wasn’t sure, but she thought they were dating, and for some stupid reason, she was a little annoyed at that.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Jesse saw her in the window first and nudged Dina’s shoulder; they both looked up and waved at her. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ellie returned the wave, and Jesse shouted something to her that sounded like a muffled request for her to join them on the front lawn.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>She shoved the window up and leaned out “Be right down!” Hoping that they actually had been inviting her out and that she hadn’t simply misheard.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Without offering much in the way of explanation, she sped past Joel and Tommy she called “Some kids are outside, be back later!”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>When she wrenched the door open, there was Jesse standing on the porch directly in front of the door with his hands in his pockets and a curtain of dark hair falling into his eyes. Dina had somehow disappeared.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Hey, Boston.” Jesse’s voice was easy and casual, “We heard Maria got you guys set up here. Thought we’d ask you to come hang out. Some kids are having a bonfire.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ellie grinned “Yeah, I’ll come. Just let me get my jacket and tell my...Joel.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>She jumped down the porch steps and bounded over to her own front door, wrenching it open with more force than was necessary. She was eager to finally be spending time with kids her own age after having spent most of the last year in the company of adults, with the lone exception of Sam.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The sun was sinking low in the horizon now, so Ellie reached for the light switch that activated the lone lamp she had, wondering vaguely where Dina had gone off to. Wondering if maybe she’d imagined that she’d ever been there at all. When the lamp reluctantly flickered to life, Ellie scanned the room for the jacket she’d tossed somewhere.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>And there she was.</span>
  </em>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Sorry for the delay! My internet is trash so I had to type most of this on my phone. I’m pretty sure we just have one chapter left and that it will either be on the longer side or split up for pacing.</p><p>Thanks a million for all of the feedback and encouragement!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Grace</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The one where they go to the farm.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I owe a MASSIVE thank you to my buddy Ace for reminding me of a few earlier events which inspired me to revisit them here. This chapter literally wouldn’t have existed without them, so thanks pal. Also, we would have had an update sooner if I didn’t have to add this chapter retroactively, so let’s blame that on Ace too.</p><p>It has NOTHING to do with my lack of planning ;)</p><p>CONTENT WARNING: Suicidal thoughts, infected kids.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Ellie pulled her shirt over her head and tossed it aside as she crept back into the bedroom where Dina lay still sleeping. The sky outside was hazy and the morning air carried a slight chill as the sun began its lazy ascent. It was earlier than she liked getting up on a day off, but they’d gotten Tofu used to expecting his breakfast at dawn and he would yowl under their window until she got it for him. Still, Ellie liked having the cat around, and although Dina pretended to dislike him, Ellie knew that she’d grown fond of him as well when she insisted that Ellie fed him more.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Slipping back into bed, it occurred to Ellie that this second attempt at building a life together had her feeling clearer, healthier, and more like herself than she had in years. There was a certain lightness she’d found in this life and a sliver of contentment that she never would have believed in before Dina.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There had been countless stops and starts along the way that led them to this gentle moment in a bed and home and a quiet morning that belonged to the two of them, but this time, Ellie knew that she had gotten it right and that things were finally falling into place as they should. She felt hopeful and optimistic, but more than that, she felt sure.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A fragile light began streaming in through their bedroom curtains, and it bathed Dina’s relaxed features in a soft light as she slept soundly and disrupted the silence with gentle snores. The light that trickled in was just barely bright enough that Ellie could have counted every freckle and eyelash on Dina’s face if she wanted to, but she focused instead on Dina’s dark curls that were fanned out on her pillow, the soft curve of her jaw, and the slope of her forehead that reminded her so much of JJ’s.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie reached under the covers and found Dina’s hand, gently lacing her fingers in Dina’s own.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re staring.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina’s voice was thick with sleep and her eyes were still closed, long eyelashes fluttering like butterfly wings.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chuckling softly, Ellie brushed a stray lock of dark hair back behind her ear and pressed a kiss to the tip of Dina’s nose and then another to her lips.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Your eyes are closed. How can you know that?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina’s words were nonchalant and punctuated with a yawn, “I know you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Raising an eyebrow, Ellie smirked “I‘m full of surprises.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina yawned again and nodded her head “Uh huh. Very mysterious, and also very far away.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie was not, in fact, very far away. Still, she scooted closer to Dina so that their chests were touching and draped an arm over Dina’s waist.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Better?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Much.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina snuggled in closer, settling her face in Ellie’s shoulder.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie traced lazy patterns on Dina’s hip with her thumb and murmured “I love you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie couldn’t see Dina’s face anymore, but she felt Dina’s lips turn up in a smirk where it was pressed against Ellie’s freckled skin.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh yeah?” Dina challenged “How do you know?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Running her fingers through Dina’s hair, Ellie laughed “Fishing for compliments?” Only, Dina had never needed to fish for compliments. Ever since the beginning, there had always been someone waiting in the wings for her; ready to ply her with compliments and the strong, sure kind of love she deserved. Even after all this time, Ellie still wasn’t sure that she could be what Dina needed her to be, but Dina believed that she could, and so she had resolved to try for the rest of her life if Dina would have her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>need </span>
  </em>
  <span>compliments to know how great I am, Williams.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie just pulled Dina closer and said “Then, I guess I know because I always knew.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With a slight shake of her head, Dina protested “That doesn’t make sense.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, it does.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Always?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yep.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Before we met?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie hummed “Mhm. Even then.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina yawned and stretched her legs, then tangled them up with Ellie’s, “Hm, sounds fake.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Makes sense to me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With a little chuckle, Dina said “What? Like fate?” Maybe it was the lingering faith from her Jewish upbringing, but Ellie knew that Dina did believe in some degree of fate and she usually made fun of Ellie for </span>
  <em>
    <span>not </span>
  </em>
  <span>believing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie shrugged “I dunno. Maybe.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I thought you didn’t believe in that kind of stuff.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And it was true that she didn’t. She’d never believed in luck or God or magic. But there was something magical about Dina, and something that felt like luck that had brought them together in the first place, and maybe it could have only been a bit of divine intervention that had brought Ellie all the way back to Jackson so that they could come back together after so much time apart.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But Ellie didn’t know how to say all of that, so she covered Dina’s freckled face in kisses.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you remember our first kiss?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina reached up to flick Ellie’s forehead, “Of course I remember, dummy.” She ran her fingers in Ellie’s auburn hair and tipped her face up for a kiss, smiling against Ellie’s lips when she felt their lips come together.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie raised her hand to Dina’s face and gently caressed one tanned cheek, all the way down to the curve of her jaw. Ellie leaned in closer, “I’d been wanting to do that for </span>
  <em>
    <span>so</span>
  </em>
  <span> long.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chuckling, Dina said “Oh? Is that so?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. You know it is.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, you didn’t exactly kiss me back right away, you know.” Their bodies were pressed closer now than they had been that night, and Ellie could still remember how new and hopeful it all felt when their lips came together for the first time.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, that’s only because I couldn’t believe it was happening…” Ellie’s voice trailed off, as she hesitated to finish her thought “Honestly, sometimes I still can’t believe it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sap.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m being serious, D.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know you are, and I love you back.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They lay quietly for a while, gently caressing soft skin and trading slow kisses. Ellie shuddered as Dina ran her fingers over Ellie’s bare chest, gently ghosting her thumb over one pink nipple as she slid her hand down to trace Ellie’s ribcage.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Dina’s hands made it to the elastic of her underwear, and then to the soft skin of her thighs, Ellie choked out “Babe?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hm?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Let’s go to the farm.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina’s fingers stilled on Ellie’s thigh, “The farm? Why?” Her thumb resumed making slow, lazy patterns on Ellie’s skin. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I kind of want to pick up the rest of my stuff, and you’re the one who said it could be good closure or whatever.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina fully opened her eyes and searched Ellie’s green ones.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay…” She slid her hand out of Ellie’s underwear and traced the bridge of her nose “I think you’re right. I just hadn’t thought about it for a while.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie rolled onto her back and raised her arm so that Dina could scoot in and rest her head on her pale chest, fingers splayed over Ellie’s bare torso, tracing the scar from California. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You know, Red?” Eventually, Dina’s hand made another slow descent to the elastic of Ellie’s underwear, and her voice grew husky.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Slightly breathless, Ellie leaned into her touch and whispered “Yeah?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m proud of you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Blushing, Ellie waved the compliment away “l didn’t do much, I just sort of managed to fix some of the things I fucked up in the first place…” Then, she reached for Dina’s wrist and tried to guide her hand down to the wetness between her thighs. She frowned when Dina resisted and brought her hand back to rest on Ellie’s stomach.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Babe.” Since the very beginning, it had always frustrated her that Ellie could never just accept a compliment. Ellie had always been too hard on herself, unwilling to believe that anyone could find something good in her, or that she was someone worth loving and protecting. But before Dina could chastise her for it, a faint cry came from down the hall. Groaning a little, Ellie rolled away from Dina and eased out of the bed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re gonna get him?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pulling a shirt over her head, Ellie nodded and adjusted her underwear, noting the damp patch that clung to her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Slowly pushing herself up onto her elbows, Dina protested “You got him last time, El.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When she sat up, the blankets fell down from around her shoulders, revealing her bare chest and the scar from Lev’s arrow, a lingering reminder of the fact that Ellie had nearly lost both Dina and JJ by dragging her to fucking Seattle for no real reason at all. Ellie shook her head to clear away the memories that were beginning to bubble to the surface, and forced a silly smile onto her face.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, but you’re cute.” She brought her thumbs and index fingers together as if framing a photo, “I just want you to keep laying there being cute.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina rolled her eyes and waved Ellie away as JJ’s wails intensified “Okay, charmer. Get out of here.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Standing together, hand in hand in front of the old farm house they’d so lovingly restored felt surreal, off-kilter, and when Ellie turned to look at Dina, she could see it on her face that she felt the same way. The place felt both haunted and hallowed, as though it were filled with ghosts and something sacred. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The shadow of this time in their lives had loomed large over Ellie ever since she took her first steps off of the property as she headed toward California, but it wasn’t until this moment, standing there with Dina that Ellie realized that she didn’t miss this life, and that maybe this life wasn’t what she was supposed to love. It was Dina that she loved, and JJ, and the slow rebuilding of a community and life in Jackson. Maybe the farm had just been one stop on their journey together, and maybe whatever was to come next would be even better.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The old floorboards creaked beneath their feet, and both women hesitated at the door, neither of them making any attempt to cross the threshold. Dina turned to stand in front of Ellie, catching her injured hand in one of her own so that both of Ellie’s slender hands were cradled in Dina’s. She seemed to see something in Ellie’s face that made her feel unsure, because she asked “Are you sure you want to do this?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie laughed a strange, humourless laugh and looked at Dina square in the face, “Maybe I should be asking </span>
  <em>
    <span>you </span>
  </em>
  <span>that question. I’m the reason we don’t live here anymore.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina nodded in agreement, but she met Ellie’s eye again and said “Maybe it’s for the best though…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As she watched Dina struggle for the words against the brilliant blue sky of a summer afternoon, Ellie couldn’t stop herself from leaning forward and placing a gentle kiss against Dina’s lips. It occurred to her then that in all of their discussions of getting back together and what that might mean, this is the one thing they hadn’t done: they hadn’t dissected the remnants of this first attempt at a life together, so that maybe they could scavenge what was good and bring it home with them to Jackson.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina opened her mouth and closed it, and then tried again “Maybe it was dumb of me to drag you here in the first place. Maybe if I hadn’t pushed you...”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey.” Ellie’s voice was sharper than she intended, but she needed Dina to hear her. “You didn’t drag me here, D. I </span>
  <em>
    <span>wanted </span>
  </em>
  <span>to be here with you and JJ.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Right, but this was my idea…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie kicked herself for her own selfishness, for once again having forgotten that Dina had suffered too and that Dina might still somehow blame herself for Ellie’s stupidity. She wished that she knew how to fix it, and she vowed to find a way to shoulder the rest of that burden for herself. Dina deserved better. She deserved </span>
  <em>
    <span>more.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know it might not seem like it after everything, but I think this was the right place for us at the time.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sniffling a little, Dina stared up at Ellie, her brown eyes shining with unshed tears. “You really think so?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. I think we needed to figure ourselves out as a couple, and I needed this open space. I might have lost my shit sooner in Jackson, surrounded by all of those people and noises after everything…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie didn’t finish her sentence, because she knew that she didn’t need to. Both of them knew that she was referring to the bloodbath they’d waded through in Seattle with the two opposing groups battling all around them for swaths of that lush, rain soaked earth. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie had been too fucked up then to appreciate the dense beauty of the place, but it showed up in her dreams all the time now. Sometimes she even had the occasional good dream where she, Dina, and JJ explored Seattle as it must have been in the old world. She would imagine herself in the aquarium with JJ on her shoulders and how it would feel to ride the ferris wheel on the pier. Seattle would have been bustling with more people than Ellie had ever seen in one place, and she wouldn’t be skittish in large crowds because she would have never murdered anyone or seen someone she loved die right in front of her eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sometimes…” Dina gingerly let go of Ellie’s hands and turned away, “Sometimes I still think about what I could have done differently to make this place what I always imagined it would be. Like, maybe if I had figured it out sooner, you’d have stayed.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie spoke honestly, “Dina, I don’t think there’s anything you or anyone else could have done to make me stay.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She remembered the suffocating feeling that followed her around during that entire year after Seattle. The panic attacks, the nightmares, the fog of hunger that followed her because she couldn’t stomach any food. She was sleep-deprived and wasting away, and trapped so deep in her own mind that there was little room left for Dina or their son.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“There are so many things I never told you, Dina.” Ellie swallowed a lump in her throat and moved to lean against the railing of the porch, staring out at what had once been a wheat field. “There were so many things that I was feeling and thinking, that I couldn’t put words or tell you about because I didn’t want to scare you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina moved closer and rested a hand on Ellie’s shoulder, “El, I just wanted you to talk to me, no matter what it was. I couldn’t read your mind and give you what you needed, so I just tried to fit myself around you, trying to fill in the empty spaces where I could.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie turned and grabbed Dina’s hands, with her back pressed firmly against the railing now, “You shouldn’t have had to guess, and you shouldn’t have had to do anything but just be my partner. It wasn’t fair for me to shut you out and also expect you to somehow do and say the right things. I fucked up.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Maybe I fucked up, too.” Dina rested her forehead against Ellie’s, “You can’t blame everything on yourself, you know.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If I hadn’t gone -“</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cutting her off, Dina said “If you hadn’t gone, who knows where we would be. Maybe we would have broken up anyway or maybe you would have…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie didn’t need Dina to finish that last sentence either. She shuddered as she recalled the intrusive thoughts she’d experienced back then, and the increasingly potent feeling that Dina and JJ and everyone else who knew her would be better off if she were no longer around to wreak havoc on and destroy the people she loved. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It had been unspoken between them back then, but Ellie had noticed the flicker of anxiety in Dina’s eyes anytime Ellie went off on her own or left to go hunting with a gun in hand. The haze of hunger and sleeplessness in her head covered and distorted everything, and left her only able to think of the things she’d done to people, and the way she’d failed to save humanity, and the fact that despite her immunity, her son would have to grow up with the constant threat of being bitten and turned into one of those fucking monsters. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie had seen some of the small ones with Joel during their travels; little runners and stalkers and clickers near an old school, wearing tiny little sneakers and clothes that sported cheerful cartoon characters. There had been one clicker who was just half Ellie’s height that wore a pink backpack with the name “Emma” scrawled in childlike handwriting. The backpack was decorated with princess characters and stickers, and Ellie wondered for days afterward what had been in the bag. She never had a chance to look inside the backpack because she’d thrown up and given Joel the silent treatment after he cut its throat, even though he explained in a perfectly reasonable way that allowing this child to exist in this state was cruel.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His words had reminded her of Sam’s fear that there was still a person inside of the infected, it was something that hadn’t occurred to her before then, and it was a sickening thought that maybe each of the infected still had a person inside, unable to stop themselves from ripping people to shreds. Ellie could relate to that feeling, at least, even though she was immune.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There was a warm, soft hand on her face “Where did you go?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The memories were coming fast now: a slideshow of faces of people she’d murdered, infected wandering around wearing name tags and uniforms and wedding dresses and maternity clothes. Maternity clothes not unlike the ones Mel had been wearing when she…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Mel and her baby were one of the few remaining secrets between the two of them. It was something too horrible for Ellie to ever say aloud, much less say aloud to Dina and have to watch her face change as she realized the enormity of what Ellie had done.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ellie.” Both of Dina’s hands cupped her cheeks now, “Babe, are you alright?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Of course she wasn’t alright. She’d killed dozens of people, young members of the WLF and the Seraphites that were her age and just looking for the sense of community she’d found in Jackson. People she’d killed on her way to Abby. Babies in wombs and amniotic fluid leaking and mixing with blood...</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie pressed a hand to her own chest and worked to slow her breathing, “Yeah. Sorry, I just got kind of carried away with thinking.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you still sure you want to go in?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nodding quickly, Ellie fixed a smile on her face and said “Yeah, let’s do this.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Visibly apprehensive, Dina stood on tiptoes to kiss Ellie’s cheek and made her promise to tell Dina if it got to be too much.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie nodded and promised that she would, but they both knew that she wouldn’t.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>-- </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sitting in Ellie’s old art studio with the window open, they stacked Ellie’s belongings into two piles: things she wanted to bring back with them and things she never cared to see again. There were canvases, art supplies, old journals, photos, and records. It seemed surreal to Ellie that most of her life in Jackson was contained in these few boxes that had been abandoned and collecting dust for a year.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I always liked this one.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina held up one of the first paintings she’d modeled for. In it, Dina’s face peered out from the canvas with a serene smile. Dina remembered how breathless she’d been when it was finally done and Ellie allowed her to look at it. She’d covered Ellie’s face with kisses and stared at the portrait, stunned by her own beauty as it appeared through the filter of Ellie’s creativity. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She felt sure that Ellie must have intentionally made her look better than she did in reality, but she was blown away by being able to experience herself the way Ellie saw her. Each brushstroke smeared the canvas with evidence that this painting had been made by someone who loved her, and it was a love so tangible that Dina wondered if anyone else who held this painting would have been able to feel it, too.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie took it from her hands and smiled at it, instantly finding each of the mistakes she’d made and thinking of all of the ways she’d be able to improve it now. She could recognize that it had come out pretty well, but she hadn’t even come close to capturing Dina’s beauty and wished that she’d been skillful enough to do her justice. If ever someone were to find this painting after both of them were long gone, Ellie wanted them to be able to see Dina as she really was.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Leaning over to kiss Dina’s cheek, Ellie spoke low and quietly in Dina’s ear “Maybe you could model for me again sometime.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Remembering a conversation they’d had in this very room in what felt like a lifetime ago, Dina smirked and said “You </span>
  <em>
    <span>really </span>
  </em>
  <span>don’t know what I look like by now?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Remembering that moment, Ellie reached out to trace Dina’s bottom lip and wiggled her eyebrows, “Maybe I just want an excuse to look at you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina smiled brightly “You still don’t need an excuse, goofball.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Leaning in for another kiss, Ellie whispered “Well, maybe I want one, anyway.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>-- </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Being back at the farm with Dina filled Ellie with memories of all of the good that had happened here. Somewhere along the way, she’d been so busy mourning the loss of this life that she’d forgotten to celebrate all of its beauty and all of the simple moments they’d shared as they filled this house with love and family.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina wrapped her arms around Ellie’s waist as they stared out of their old bedroom window, “Remember how annoying it was to lug that fucking crib up the stairs?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie laughed, “Holy shit, yes. I swear that my big toe has never been the same.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pressing her lips to the back of Ellie’s shoulder, Dina quipped “Well, maybe if you’d listened to my excellent tips and supervision...”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, maybe if we hadn’t waited until you were like 32 months pregnant to get the damn thing, you could have helped me carry it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina gently kicked the back of Ellie’s shoe, “I was never 32 months pregnant, stupid.” Leaning into the back of Ellie’s neck she murmured “It felt like it though.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Resting one elbow on the windowsill, Ellie said “For </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span>, maybe. For me, it felt like it flew by so fast that he was here before I could figure out how the fuck I was gonna raise a kid.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Apparently, the answer to that question is that you’ll do it very well.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie turned in Dina’s arms and settled her hands on her hips, “Really? You think so?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course I do. You’re a fucking great mom, El. That kid adores you.” Kissing Ellie’s collarbone she added “There is no one else I would want to raise him with.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you sure it’s not just because I don’t mind getting up with him at night?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Fiddling with the collar of Ellie’s shirt, Dina said “Well, that’s certainly a bonus, but no. It’s because you’re good, and patient, and - “</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie cut in “And because of my great sense of humor.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sure, whatever you say.” Dina rolled her eyes and tried to pull away, but Ellie just held her tighter. “Against my better judgement, I suppose that I love you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Resting her forehead against Dina’s, Ellie whispered “I love you back.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As they made their way out to the borrowed car with the last box of Ellie’s things, they stopped in the kitchen where Ellie noticed a folded piece of paper fixed to the side of the refrigerator.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Letting go of Dina’s hand, Ellie walked over and pulled it free from the magnet that had held it in place for so many months. She held it up and turned to face Dina “What’s this?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina frowned up at her, “You never found my note?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie shook her head slowly, “No…” Without hesitation, she began to open it, but stopped when Dina covered her hands with her own and said “Read it later, okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Furrowing her brow, Ellie folded it up again and stuck it in her pocket when she saw the seriousness in Dina’s eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lowering her head to kiss Dina’s cheek, she said “Okay babe.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>-- </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Back in Jackson in their own kitchen, Ellie sat on the counter watching as Dina cooked their dinner. After the emotionally draining day they’d had, she regretted that they’d asked JJ’s grandparents to keep him overnight. It would have been nice to hold him now and see his toothy smile.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She was so lost in thought that she was hardly aware that Dina had moved to stand in front of her until she felt hands on her thighs.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You okay?” Her eyes were warm and brown looking up at her, and they were so full of love that Ellie had to fight away a wave of guilt. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think I’m just missing JJ.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I miss him,” Dina ran her hands up Ellie’s thighs, bringing them to rest right near her hips “but I’m also glad to have you to myself for the evening.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A familiar flame flared in Ellie’s stomach, “Oh yeah?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Absolutely.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jumping down from the counter, Ellie stretched her arms over her head and said “You know, I’m not very hungry now that I think of it.” Grabbing Dina’s hand she said “In fact, maybe we should go to bed like right now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina grinned at her and bit her lip, “Nah, you’ll need your strength.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie’s eyes darted to Dina’s lips and her heart jolted at the sight of Dina’s teeth coming down on her own bottom lip.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Then let’s hurry up and finish cooking.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Later that night as she began to drift off to sleep with Dina asleep in her arms, Ellie remembered the note she’d folded up and stuffed into her pocket back at the farm. Moving carefully, she eased out of bed, trying to avoid disturbing her girlfriend, and pulled a shirt over her head. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Stumbling around in the dark, it took her a moment to find her jeans in the trail of clothes they’d left behind after dinner, but when she did find it she glanced over her shoulder at Dina and eased the note out of her pocket. Dina had given her permission to read it, but for some reason Ellie didn’t want her to know when she was going to read it, at least not until she knew what it said.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She tugged on a pair of sweatpants and headed out of their room, taking care to avoid the floorboards that always creaked underfoot.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As she settled herself on the porch with her legs tucked under her, Tofu slunk around the side of the house and plopped down on the far end of the porch. He’d already had his dinner, so Ellie figured that he just wanted some company.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sup, dude?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tofu just stared back at her with unblinking yellow eyes, and then lowered his head to rest on his paws.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was a warm evening, and their street was absolutely still, with no noise at all save for the wind as it rustled through the trees. She unfolded the note and angled it so that it was illuminated under the porchlight.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ellie,</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I don’t think you’ll ever read this, but just in case you somehow make it back here, I want you to know that we are in Jackson and that we are safe.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>JJ cries all the time now, and sometimes it seems like he’s looking for you. I know he’s young, but there’s something in his eyes…</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ellie, I’m so angry that he’ll only have one parent when he was supposed to have three. Sometimes I hate you for that, but I don’t think I actually mean it. I think that I just miss you and I can’t seem to figure out how to do all of this without you.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>If you ever do come back, I don’t know what that will mean for us, but I hope you’ll at least let me know you’re okay. I’d give anything to know that you’re okay. It’s difficult to leave this place without knowing where you are, because even though I’m so fucking mad at you, I can’t help but to think of that stringbean girl with pockets full of beef jerky. I think I’ve been searching for that girl for a year now, and I don’t think she’s ever coming back.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I remember the way your eyes looked the first time we met, and how I told Jesse that I’d never seen that color green before or since. I would have liked to stare into those eyes for the rest of my life, and I hate that it didn’t work out that way.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I hope that if you ever make it back to Jackson, you’ll be that girl I fell in love with again. But mostly, I hope that you’ve found the peace you’ve never had in all the time I’ve known you, and I hope that I did a good job of showing you how much I love you when you were still here. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You’ll probably never see this.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>- D</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When she finished reading the note she folded it and put it in the pocket of her sweats, fighting to swallow the lump in her throat. Then, she pulled it open again and read it one more time, and then another.</span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The final chapter is SO CLOSE to being done, I just have to rework a few things because of the addition of this one. I’m shooting for a Saturday release.</p><p>As always, thank you for reading and commenting.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. That’s Life / Future Days</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The last one.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Guys, when I tell you that I STRUGGLED with this chapter...but here it is, and I hope it’s a satisfying ending.</p><p>Immeasurable gratitude to Breezered, Ehefic, and WhiskeyTango86 for their support and encouragement, and for each being the caliber of writer I aspire to be someday.</p><p>Another big thanks to my buddy Ace for beta reading and for giving me the validation I needed to scrap the original draft when it wasn’t working.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The metal against her fingertips felt foreign as she slid her fingers along the fretboard, struggling to replicate the chord shapes she’d first learned years ago on this very porch. The instrument itself felt awkward in her hands now, as though it had been reduced to just the wood and laminate sum of its parts, empty and lifeless, although holding it this way had once made her feel grounded and alive. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Were it not for Ellie’s desire to pass her love for music onto JJ, she wasn’t sure that she would have bothered continuing to try to coax the necessary dexterity from her left hand, but she wanted him to have the ability to create something beautiful with his hands in a world that might turn him into a monster someday. It had been decided the first time she laid eyes on him that she would work to give him the gift of music and art, and through that, she hoped that he would always know that he could choose to create instead of destroy. So she slid her hand up and down the neck of the guitar, contorting her hand and fingers into the shapes that had once been comforting to her, and hoped that someday they would be again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The moon loomed large overhead; the most brilliant thing in a velvety sea of stars, and the evening air around her was cool and still. Staring up into the sky, Ellie remembered the lunar rovers she’d read about a long time ago, and that they now stood still on the moon, reduced to bits of metal and wire, alone, quiet, and unattended to in the vastness of the night sky, forever. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The door creaked open as Dina appeared massaging her eyes with the heels of her hands, looking disheveled from sleep in an old shirt of Ellie’s and a worn pair of pajama pants. Her hair was loose around her shoulders and she moved toward Ellie with a tired smile on her lips.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie returned the smile and scooted over on the bench, gesturing for Dina to sit next to her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did I wake you? I was trying to be quiet.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina yawned and plopped down next to her, “I don’t know if you woke me up, but I’m glad. I haven’t heard you play in so long.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie shrugged and felt her cheeks burn red, “Sounds like shit, huh?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hmm,” Dina tapped her chin, as if she were seriously considering the question, “no worse than before, I guess.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Asshole.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina gently bumped Ellie with her shoulder, “I’m kidding.” Her laugh was soft and breathy, and it made Ellie’s heart flutter, “You sounded good, babe.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie gestured down at herself and laughed “Well, there’s no accounting for taste, I guess.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina slid her arm through one of Ellie’s and rested her head against a strong shoulder as she settled in next to her, “You’ve got a point there,” she teased, and Ellie leaned into the touch, resting her head on top of Dina’s, feeling grateful that Dina had come out to be with her, happy that she wasn’t alone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ellie?” Ellie turned to meet Dina’s eyes as she stared up at her, “Tell me something I don’t know about you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think you know everything important by now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, there has to be </span>
  <em>
    <span>something.</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie hummed and bit her lip, “Something good, or something sad?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina furrowed her brow and pursed her lips, “Hmm, a bit of both?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie sighed and laid the guitar flat on her lap and tilted her head back, thinking quietly, running backward through an endless thread of memories. They were quiet that way for a while, as Ellie attempted to decide on a memory that she wanted to share, while Dina allowed her the space to think. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When she spoke again, her voice was slow and careful, “How much have I told you about the trip Joel and I took to get here?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie knew the answer to that question: she had avoided talking about the events of the year she had been fourteen as much as she could without drawing attention to the fact that she didn’t want to talk about it. She’d found it too difficult to try to explain their long journey from the Boston QZ to Jackson without elaborating on the reason for their journey, and so she had kept most of those memories and events private, not even daring to journal about them for fear that someone would read it. Without Joel around, there was no one left to remember them with.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina shook her head and pressed a kiss to Ellie’s shoulder, “Not very much.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There had been so much. That slow journey here had been the fullest year of her life; she’d traveled, met Joel, and then nearly lost him. She’d learned how to shoot a gun, how to hunt, how to fight infected, and how to survive on her own. At the beginning of their time together, she’d been unable to swim or fend for herself, and by the end, she could fight as well as some men twice her age. Joel had been proud of that, she knew, she had seen the way he looked at her change slowly over that year until she could see that he respected her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie started slowly, “It was hard, I had never been that far away from the Boston QZ before, and I was traveling with this grumpy dude I didn’t know at all. At first,” Ellie smiled softly, remembering, “we didn’t like each other.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina chuckled even though she already knew this part of the story, “Really?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nope. I thought he was just a grumpy old dude and he thought I was just an annoying kid. But when you’re traveling so far, you rely on each other. He saved my life a bunch of times, but I saved his a few times, too.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The wind blew a slight chill and Dina folded herself into Ellie’s side even tighter, “You told me about one of them, I think. When that guy was trying to drown Joel, you said it was…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The first time I killed anyone, yeah.” Ellie finished softly, “He respected me after that, I could tell. And eventually, he started to trust me, and I trusted him. We really had no choice.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At one time in her life, and particularly over that year, she had trusted Joel more than she had ever trusted another person. She wished that she could have told him so, but that was just one of a million things she wished that she had told him when she could have.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie sighed and stared up at the starry sky, lost in the memory, “Not long before we got here, in Salt Lake, near the hospital where...”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Just thinking about the Firefly hospital in Salt Lake always triggered a wave of that old, familiar anxiety, and when Dina gave her arm a comforting squeeze, Ellie felt how taut her own muscles were under the soft touch, and struggled to relax them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So we get there and we’re going through this building that was like, completely fucked up. I guess I hadn’t been myself for a little while, after the shit that happened that winter and just knowing that we were getting closer to the Fireflies without knowing what would happen…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina squeezed her arm again, and waited for her to continue, “Then, I looked up as we walked through the building and saw a herd of giraffes.” Ellie breathed a laugh of disbelief, as though she still couldn’t believe what she had seen, even after so many years. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We were up high enough that we were actually able to pet one, and then he walked away to go meet up with his herd, so we went up to the rooftop and watched them for a long time, and then we had to keep going.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina sat up straight, intrigued “Why was there a herd of giraffes in the middle of the city?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We figured that there was a zoo nearby or something, but they were just wandering around eating the foliage as it tore these old buildings apart. It was amazing. It’s one of my happiest memories, because I needed it, you know?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina nodded and laid her head back on Ellie’s shoulder, breathing in the smell of clean laundry and the oil she’d rubbed into the fretboard of the old guitar earlier that evening.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Speaking softly, close to her ear, Dina asked “What’s the sad part?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Things were never really the same between us after the hospital, even before I ran away that year. I think that was the last good, </span>
  <em>
    <span>honest </span>
  </em>
  <span>day between the two of us.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina smiled at the lingering echo of childlike wonder in Ellie’s voice, remembering the scrappy redhead she’d met just a few days after the memory Ellie was recounting for her, “But my God, those giraffes were so beautiful, Dina.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>One thing Ellie had always loved about Dina was the way that she always knew how to respond to Ellie’s mood and her feelings. When a moment called for enthusiasm, she was Ellie’s biggest cheerleader, and when the opposite was true, she knew how to let a moment breathe and leave space for it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina found one of her hands and laced their fingers together, “They sound amazing, El.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie agreed, “They really were. You know, if things were different, I think I would have liked to travel and take you guys to zoos and things like that. I wish JJ could see some of the things I got to see.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Maybe we’ll find a way to take him to those giraffes.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, maybe…” Of course they wouldn’t, and they both knew it, but it was a pretty dream and a pretty lie to tell themselves.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Echoing her words from two years ago, Dina smirked and said “You go, I go.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sap.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, but,” Dina sat up and cupped Ellie’s face in her hands, “I mean it, you know.” The look in her eye was steady and serious, a promise.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I know,” Ellie murmured and maneuvered them so that they were sitting back again with one of Ellie’s arms thrown over her shoulders, “Dina?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hmm?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you ever think about the shit we did?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie was surprised when Dina simply nodded instead of asking her to clarify, saying “Of course I do. Not the way you do, I think, but I do think about it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What do you mean?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think I’m able to just put it out of my mind most of the time, but I know you aren’t like that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She shook her head sadly, “No, I don’t think I am.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And I wish you could be, but I know you even dream about it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dina,” Ellie started, ready to argue “some of the shit I’ve done…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ellie, you are </span>
  <em>
    <span>so </span>
  </em>
  <span>much more than whatever you’re thinking of right now. You’re good, and kind, and strong.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie felt the tips of her ears burn and shrugged her shoulders again, making a small noise of protest in the back of her throat.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m serious, Ellie. Everyone has shit they wish they could change, but most of them don’t have all of the good, amazing parts of you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie managed a breathy laugh, “Thanks...” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Dina squeezed her hand, Ellie looked down in surprise, having been unaware that they’d been holding hands at all. “Are you coming back to bed?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“In a little while, I will. I’ll be up soon.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina nodded, leaned over, and left a lingering kiss on Ellie’s lips. When they broke apart, Dina rested one soft hand on Ellie’s cheek for a long moment, and then disappeared back into the house, gently pulling the door closed as she did so.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When she was alone again, Ellie stared down at the guitar in her lap and traced each of its curves with her eyes, and her gaze settled on the moth that adorned the fretboard, the very moth that had been inked into her skin, she slotted one finger between two strings and traced the moth inlay, enjoying the feel of it on her fingertip.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hesitant, she picked the guitar up again and pulled it close to her body. She exhaled, and fixed her fingers against the strings again in a tentative C chord, plucking the strings with her right hand in a way that was both familiar and foreign, like something she’d only ever seen in a dream. Then, haltingly, she shifted her hand to an awkward F chord, and then back to a increasingly more comfortable C chord, and over and over again until she could do it without thinking.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>— </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The sky was a brilliant blue, illuminated by sunlight so bright that everything it touched looked washed out and faded. The grass, the trees, and Tommy’s weathered face were all bathed in searing heat and sunshine, and Ellie with her head slightly hazy from booze, felt grateful to be sitting in the shade at the cemetery instead of working.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sounding more drunk than she realized she was, Ellie slurred, “What do you think Joel would say about everything?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tommy squinted at her with his remaining eye, trying to remember what they’d been talking about and shrugged, holding the bottle out to her. “My brother could be real hard to figure out sometimes, but I think he’d be happy with how things worked out, if that’s what you mean.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Whenever Tommy drank, his Texas drawl thickened, and Ellie imagined that this version of Tommy must sound closest to what he had sounded like when he still lived in Texas, back before the whole world had gone to hell in front of him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie took a long pull from the bottle, and then poured some of the dark liquid onto the reddish brown earth that covered Joel’s grave, “I’m not sure what he would think.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I definitely don’t think he woulda seen most of this coming. You and Dina, maybe. But JJ?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She thought of JJ’s toothy grin earlier that morning when she’d wiped his face clean after he’d made a mess of his breakfast. He’d smiled up at her, wrinkling his little nose as he did so, and she’d felt her heart swell in her chest.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She swallowed a mouthful of the brown liquor and savored the pleasant warmth as it seeped into her bones, “He called me ‘mama’ for the first time today.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tommy laughed and clapped a hand on her knee, “Well, how ‘bout that. How’d it feel?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie ran her thumb over her two amputated fingers, tracing the scar tissue there, “I guess I just wasn’t expecting it.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Huh. Well, what did you want him to call you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dina and I never talked about it.” Some part of Ellie had avoided the conversation, nervous to overstep by asking permission for him to call her “mom” and anxious that he wouldn’t want to, “I think I expected him to just call me by my name.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Now </span>
  <em>
    <span>this</span>
  </em>
  <span>, you being a mama,” Tommy exhaled heavily and laughed, “Joel </span>
  <em>
    <span>definitely</span>
  </em>
  <span> wouldn’t have expected that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie smiled and raked the back of her hand across her face, swiping away at the sweat that had gathered there, “You think he’d be happy?” She wasn’t sure why she wanted approval from a dead man, but she did, and she wished that he was here to answer for himself.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hell yeah, he would.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shielding her eyes with one hand, she looked over at Tommy, “What was he like when Sarah was born?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Scared shitless.” Tommy chortled, the laugh lines around his eyes deepening, “He was young, you know. A bit younger than you, I reckon. He kept sayin’ that he didn’t know anything about babies.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It made her smile to imagine a young Joel carrying a newborn baby, visibly panicked. She wished that she could have seen him then, as a new dad, before the apocalypse had turned him into the hardened man she’d met.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tommy scratched his beard, and Ellie noticed how much more gray it had turned since she’d last looked at him closely. “Now that I think of it, he looked kinda like he did when he first showed up here with you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Really?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh yeah. Scared as hell, not knowing what the hell he was gonna do with a kid.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She furrowed her brow, “I don’t remember that…” When she tried to picture his face the way it had looked back then, she couldn’t imagine seeing anything like fear; he had seemed so tough and unflappable.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I never had kids, so you might know better than me, but he just wanted to do right by you. I could see that in his face. He was that way with Sarah, too. I think he was scared to fuck up.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie plucked a few blades of grass and scattered them in the wind, “Guess I ruined that, huh?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Now, what makes you say that?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I pushed him out. I didn’t even let him explain.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Look,” Tommy’s voice sounded serious enough that she raised her head to meet his eye, “what my brother did...he had his reasons, and I reckon I woulda done the same, but that don’t make ‘em right. You were right to be pissed off at him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He wanted to keep me alive, and they were going to kill me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tommy nodded, “That’s the truth, but that don’t mean he was right to lie to you about it, and it don’t make it okay for him to kill a whole hospital full of people.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He held up a hand when he saw her begin to protest, “Now, don’t get it confused, I’m glad you’re here. But you were right to be mad at him and he knew it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She pulled up a handful of grass and gritted her teeth, angry and ashamed at herself, “I should have given him a chance.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ellie, you gave him a second chance at the things he missed out on with Sarah. He fucked up, he knew that, and he didn’t hold it against you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>If somehow the Lord gave me a second chance at that moment...</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tommy gestured at the headstone beside to them with Joel’s name chiseled into it, “He just wanted you to be happy. Seeing you make friends and grow up...that was all he wanted.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He tugged the bottle from her hands and titled his head back, drank, and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, nodding as though agreeing with himself, “Yep, you made him real happy, gave him hope again.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you…” Ellie stared away, fixing her eyes on Joel’s name in stone, already beginning to show wear at its edges, “Do you think he knew that I loved him?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He stretched his legs out in front of him and massaged the stiff one, “I know that he loved </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I reckon he figured that if he loved </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> as much as he did, you must love him back at least a little.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She let out a strangled laugh, swallowed hard, and squeezed her eyes shut. When she spoke again, her eyes burned from unshed tears and her voice sounded hoarse, “Do you have regrets?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, a whole heap of em”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Really?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think a day goes by that I don’t do something that I regret the next day, and there’s never a day that I don’t think of somethin’ I did once and feel bad about it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How do you cope?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tommy held up the bottle, “Too much of this, and I don’t recommend it. Trust me, once you climb into a bottle, it’s damn hard to climb back out.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you talk to Maria?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I talk to her about some of it, but there’s things she doesn’t want to know...or maybe I just don’t want her to know ‘em. I’m not sure anymore.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t talk to Dina about the really bad things, I guess.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, you should.” He winced as he massaged his knee, grunting as he spoke “That girl loves you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But you just said -“</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Never said I wasn’t a hypocrite, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know what I </span>
  <em>
    <span>should</span>
  </em>
  <span> do, and it doesn’t mean that I can’t see it when someone else is makin’ the same mistakes I’ve made.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He met Ellie’s eyes and looked at her steadily, “That girl,” His words were beginning to run together now, and she could smell the alcohol on his breath, “that young woman loves you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know she does.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And she’s no damsel in distress herself.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie laughed remembering how fierce Dina had been on patrol, how many times she’d saved Ellie’s ass over the years.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She smiled softly as she remembered the look on Dina’s face when she fell through a glass ceiling, coming to rescue Ellie in Seattle, always there just in time, “Oh man, you have no idea.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think she can handle anything you throw at her, and I don’t think she’d love you any less. I don’t think she </span>
  <em>
    <span>could </span>
  </em>
  <span>stop loving you. Hell, if she could’ve, she would’ve after you left.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie winced at his bluntness, but she couldn’t argue with it, “I guess you’re right about that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How are you sleeping? Eating? You look alright.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dina makes sure I eat, she won’t let me skip dinner or anything. I sleep...more, I guess. Nightmares still. Dina is great about it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I get those too. Nightmares.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She turned to look at him, searching his face, “Really?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I do.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tommy was always so tough, so stoic, so...Texan. As if he could hear her thoughts, Tommy rolled his eyes, “Even ol’ Texans can have nightmares, girl.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She nodded, stared down at the expanse of grass between her legs, and said “Do you think it’s gonna be okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What d’you mean?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I dunno, everything I guess.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, I think it already is.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She mulled that over. Dina and JJ were healthy and safe. Tommy and Maria were together, and Ellie, well...</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Now if what you’re lookin’ for is ‘perfect’, then no, I don’t think so.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“When we went back to the farm a few weeks ago I had a...Dina calls them panic attacks, I guess. Right there on the porch.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How did you get through it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Um,” she bit her lip, “I don’t know. Dina started talking to me, and that helped, I guess. I just wish they wouldn’t happen.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know, but you can’t do much about that. It’s about what you do after that matters.” He rose to his feet, and his voice had a tone of finality to it as he reached for his cane, “So, you talk to that woman of yours, you raise your boy, and you keep moving forward.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie followed suit and stood up, trailing behind him as he made his way through the cemetery gates and nodded to herself, even though he couldn’t see it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>— </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina looked up from the laundry she was folding as the door opened, and a warm smile spread over her face when Ellie stepped inside, dropping her bag onto the ground, “Hey, babe.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>JJ gave a little squeal of delight from where he sat on the floor surrounded by an avalanche of toys. Ellie bent down to kiss the top of JJ’s head and ruffle his hair as she strode over to the couch and settled down next to Dina. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina kissed Ellie’s cheek and rested a hand on her knee, “Where have you been?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, I was with Tommy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Tommy?”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I hadn’t seen him in a while and neither of us had gone to see Joel, so we spent some time there.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina leaned close and breathed in, “Been drinkin, huh?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, you know how hanging out with Tommy usually goes.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did you have a nice time?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I did. It’s always good to see him, you know.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina looked at Ellie as if to say that she did not, in fact, think it was always good to see Tommy and hummed a response “Hmm.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“D, you know he’s sorry.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I do,” She nodded and pursed her lips, “and I’m cordial with him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s my family, and I don’t have much of that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>We’re </span>
  </em>
  <span>your family, too.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie nodded and covered Dina’s hand with one of her own.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m just saying, he knows he messed up.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina didn’t answer, but settled her head on Ellie’s shoulder, snuggling in closer when Ellie rested an arm around her shoulders, “So I was thinking…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s new - ”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t be an asshole.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s just so difficult -”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Anyway,” Dina said loudly, “I was thinking that maybe you should invite your friends over for dinner.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You mean Cat and Tawny?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You want them to come </span>
  <em>
    <span>here</span>
  </em>
  <span>?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I do.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why not?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But you </span>
  <em>
    <span>hate </span>
  </em>
  <span>Cat.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, that was when we were younger. We’re adults now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina pressed a kiss to Ellie’s collarbone, “And I won, so…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You...</span>
  <em>
    <span>won</span>
  </em>
  <span>?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mhm.” Dina sounded nonchalant, “I wanted you, she had you, and she knew I wanted you so we hated each other. But, I’m the one who ended up with you, so it’s time to put that all behind us.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie scrunched her nose and shook her head in bewilderment, “I don’t understand women, I really don’t.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You </span>
  <em>
    <span>are </span>
  </em>
  <span>a woman.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t understand myself, either.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina smacked her knee, “Just invite them over.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Alright, I’ll stop by tomorrow.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good.” Dina went back to the basket of laundry at her feet, “Hey, put some music on?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie nodded and made her way over to the record player and thumbed through Joel’s old records. When she chose one, she slid it out of its sleeve and settled it on the turntable, dropped the needle, and shuffled over to sit on the floor next to JJ, smiling when she spied a stuffed giraffe on the floor behind him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“That's life (That's life), that's what all the people say,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You're riding high in April, shot down in May.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>But I know I'm gonna change that tune</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>When I'm back on top, back on top in June.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I said, that's life (That's life), and as funny as it may seem</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Some people get their kicks, stompin' on a dream</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>But I don't let it, let it get me down</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>'Cause this fine old world, it keeps spinning around.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When her fingers closed around one stuffed leg of the giraffe she sat up straight and stared down at it, running her thumb over a loose thread and a tiny bit of fluff that was beginning to work its way out of the top of the stuffed head. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She looked up at JJ, and murmured, “I met a giraffe once…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>JJ tilted his head and grinned at her, and then reached out for the giraffe in her hand. She let him pull it free of her fingers, and laid down next to him with her arms behind her head.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As the sun shifted outside, shadows moved across the walls of Cat’s apartment. The volume on the TV was so low that Ellie couldn’t make out what it was saying, and the cheap couch creaked under her as she shifted in her seat, trying to get comfortable.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Whoa, Dina actually wants us to come over?” Cat sounds awed and a little apprehensive, watching Ellie closely.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Ellie nods and adjusts her position again, shoving a cheap throw pillow between her low back and the couch, “I think I’ve finally managed to convince her that you, me, and Tawny aren’t in a three way relationship or something.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Winking mischievously, Cat said “Well, not yet.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Calling out from the other room, Tawny shouted “Ellie, is my girlfriend flirting with you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What else is new?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tawny’s voice sounded cheerful as she reached the living room carrying a few drinks in her hand, “Good!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie groaned and sat up straight, “Just don’t do this around Dina, </span>
  <em>
    <span>please.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tawny leaned over the back of the couch to give Ellie a quick kiss on the side of her face and then made her way around to plant a lingering kiss on Cat’s lips.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When she pulled away from Cat, Tawny looked at Ellie and assured her, “We’ll behave.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her dark hair was shoulder-length, and Ellie figured that Cat must have recently cut it for her, while Cat’s hair was the longest Ellie had ever seen it. They both looked good and healthy.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie scrunched her nose and grumbled “No. I don’t think you will.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tawny settled the glasses on the coffee table and flopped down onto the couch between Cat and Ellie, resting a hand on Ellie’s knee.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So, how have you been? We don’t see you around the Bison much anymore.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Taking a long pull from her beer, Ellie tipped her head back against the couch “Yeah, I’ve been super busy with work, and then with Dina and JJ. It’s tough.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How is the munchkin anyway?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie couldn’t stop the lazy grin that spread over her face, “Oh, he’s great. He can run now, and gets into trouble, he knows a bunch of words, too.” Ellie’s smile widened “Dina was so pissed at me last week when I said ‘fuck’ in front of him. I tried to tell her it wasn’t a big deal, but the little shit soaked that one up like a sponge.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sounds like your kid.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, Dina wasn’t impressed by it, but I was a little proud.” Ellie grinned to herself, remembering the warm feeling of pride she’d felt at hearing him emulate her, and the immediate rush of guilt she felt for being happy about being a bad influence.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cat chimed in, “How are you and Dina?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie went quiet for a moment, mulling it over as she ran her finger around the rim of her glass, “We’re the best we’ve ever been, honestly.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Whoa, really?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I mean, we talk, and we’re both there for JJ. I feel like I got my best friend back, and I think I missed having my best friend more than anything.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But are you guys still sleeping together?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Groaning, Ellie said “Jesus, what </span>
  <em>
    <span>is </span>
  </em>
  <span>it with you and my sex life?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cat shrugged “Just making sure!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tawny cut in “Anyway, El you seem better, and you look great.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie turned and stuck her tongue out at Tawny “Stop trying to butter me up.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Swatting at her arm, Tawny laughed “I’m being serious, Ellie. You looked like shit when we first met, no offense.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cat chimed in from the other side of Tawny “She’s right, El. You were like, scarily thin and your hair was all frayed, and I hadn’t gotten used to your fingers being gone yet…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Scowling, Ellie spat “Well, I’m sorry that my appearance and misfortunes were so hard on </span>
  <em>
    <span>you, </span>
  </em>
  <span>Catherine.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well you ought to be, Eleanor. As your friend, I didn’t like seeing it. And frankly, as your ex, I feel like I dodged a bullet.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Choosing to ignore her second comment, Ellie growled through gritted teeth “My goddamn name isn’t Eleanor.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cat went on as if she hadn’t spoken, “Anyway, you look better and you guys seem happy. We’re happy for you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, I guess,” Ellie glowered at her “How are you two?”</span>
  <span></span><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Both of the women grinned, and spoke in unison “We’re great.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Tons </span>
  </em>
  <span>of sex.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Great.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Like just before you got here, actually.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dope.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Right where you’re sitting, now that I think about it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jumping to her feet, Ellie huffed dramatically and said “You guys are gross, and that’s my cue to leave.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tawny swatted at Cat’s arm while Ellie tilted her head back to drain her glass and reached for the coffee table to grab her keys.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tawny smiled sweetly and said “Anyway, El. We’d love to come by.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cat nodded her head “Wouldn’t miss it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The dining room was </span>
  <em>
    <span>almost </span>
  </em>
  <span>too warm, but the open windows allowed for just enough of a breeze that Ellie was able to roll up the sleeves of the button up shirt Dina had forced her to wear, and be cool enough that she wouldn’t pass out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sitting at Joel’s dinner table with her girlfriend, her ex-girlfriend, and her ex-girlfriend’s current girlfriend was not a situation Ellie had ever expected to find herself in, and yet, here they were, drinking wine from a bottle Ellie had found when they were moving into Joel’s place and had been saving for a special occasion, after having finished the meal Dina had prepared for them with Ellie’s “assistance”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina’s face was flushed from the wine as she gestured toward Ellie with her glass, “So she showed up here, barely talked to anyone, and would fill her pockets with beef jerky and leftovers from dinner…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It could have been the wine making her feel wistful, but Ellie could clearly recall the nerves she’d felt when they first made it to Jackson, the way Joel hovered over her to make sure she was okay, and her deep fear that she wouldn’t make any friends. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tawny burst out laughing, “God, was she </span>
  <em>
    <span>really</span>
  </em>
  <span> like that?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cat and Dina made eye contact, their words overlapping and warping together.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, yeah. She was so broody and serious most of the time - “</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“...but then she would crack a truly awful joke - ”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I would pretend to laugh because I thought she was so cute…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I could tell that you did, and I think Jesse did too because…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was surreal to see the two of them get along now, particularly when she was the topic of conversation. Cat and Dina had never liked each other as long as Ellie had known them, and Ellie herself had been the main source of dislike between the two of them. Now, the three women all laughed, and although they were laughing at Ellie’s expense, she couldn’t help but to laugh along with them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was good, and happy, and warm to be with three people who cared about her, who knew her, and who had been there for her in the lowest parts of her life.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tawny who had been her first real friend upon her return to Jackson. Who had flirted with her and made her laugh when she felt low and unlovable, who had given her a reason to get out into town and be somewhere other than work or her apartment. Who loved Cat in all of the ways Ellie hadn’t been able to.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cat who had loved her first and who had been there to hold her hand through her first attempt at falling in love and belonging to another person. Cat who made her laugh when she needed to and cheered her on, and let her go when it was time, and who had always just wanted her to be happy.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And Dina. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Always Dina. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>For Ellie, the tides had always moved according to Dina, the sun rose and peaked and fell with her, the world opened up and brightened up around her, and Ellie had always just felt lucky to be caught up in it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina who had loved her when she felt unlovable, who saw things in her that she had never and would never be able to see in herself. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina who held her so tenderly when she woke up from a fever dream.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina who had chosen Ellie to raise her child with. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina who entrusted Ellie with her heart once, and had been generous enough to do so a second time. Dina had always illuminated even the darkest, most shadowed corners of Ellie’s life, and had always seen good in her, and had always stood by her, and had never really left at all. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Meeting Ellie’s gaze with the ghost of a laugh on her face Dina winked, and then turned back to look at Tawny, “Oh my god, you should have </span>
  <em>
    <span>seen </span>
  </em>
  <span>the look on Ellie’s face the first time she smoked weed with us...”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The three women laughed again, and Ellie smiled along with them, despite not having heard the punchline, correctly assuming that </span>
  <em>
    <span>she </span>
  </em>
  <span>was the punchline. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But Ellie was somewhere else, somewhere blanketed in white snow and squeals of glee, and the sting of a snowball against a bright red cheek.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m not reading into it or anything…”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Oh, but she had been. She had laid awake the night after the dance recounting every single moment of the evening, both looking forward to, and dreading the next time they would be together. Willing the universe to make that kiss, that dance, and years worth of aching for something she had never dared to hope for, all mean something.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And then that next morning, there had been Dina with snowflakes in her hair and a bright red nose. Looking at Ellie with a guarded expression that she hadn’t known how to decipher back then.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You know what I love about you?”</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her eyes were so bright and so young, her lips turned up in the smirk that always made Ellie’s heart race, </span>
  <em>
    <span>“I love the way you let me finish my sentences.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A warm church, filled with the scent of sweat and perfume. Dina tucking a stray lock of hair behind her ear, and looking at Ellie as though she were something precious to behold, voice strong and tender as though she were speaking an obvious, undeniable truth, </span>
  <em>
    <span>“They should be terrified of you.” </span>
  </em>
  <span>Then their lips had come together, and when Ellie came to her senses and kissed her back, it had felt like a leap of faith - an awakening.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A sweltering hot room, air tinged with the faint scent of blood, peeling gray wallpaper, and then a tiny hand gripping her finger, still slippery from birth, screaming his way into the world, blissfully unaware that someday it would scream back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She closed her eyes tightly, and then she was leaping from a several foot high replica of a a prehistoric dinosaur, plunging into the water, still relishing in her newfound ability to swim, knowing that she would never again need to rely on someone else to get her across an exapnse of river.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And then she was in a spaceship with Joel, grinning back at his look of pride and hope that he had done the right thing for her. Just the two of them, all alone with their unspoken love for one another and an unimaginable truth caught between them that they chose to ignore for that beautiful, fragile moment. Only for that to be shattered by a painted reminder on a wall that there </span>
  <em>
    <span>were </span>
  </em>
  <span>secrets between them and that no matter how much she loved Joel...</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Then she was back in Joel’s dining room where he no longer existed and would never exist again. She looked around at the three women, and the home she’d somehow cobbled together from a lifetime of discarded pieces, and she could just barely, ever so faintly hear a Texas drawl speaking low in her ear with a smile in his voice, </span>
  <em>
    <span>“This is a thing that took a mighty effort to find.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Ellie felt someone squeeze her thigh, she looked down to find a strong hand with slender fingers and she followed the length of it with her eyes to a dainty wrist and a toned arm and a scarred shoulder draped in Ellie’s favorite loose-fitting blouse and to Dina, and her careful smile and her warm eyes that were only for Ellie. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In their darkest, most fragile, most uncertain moments, Dina’s eyes were always for Ellie, and Ellie’s eyes were always for her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And maybe for right now, in one warm moment filled with love and remembrance and a delicate optimism, that could be enough.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina leaned in close, whispering in her ear over the laughter of their friends, “What are you thinking about, babe?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie could hear a faint note of concern in Dina’s voice, and she </span>
  <em>
    <span>almost</span>
  </em>
  <span> hated herself for having given Dina so many reasons to worry about her. Instead, she gave her a full, honest smile and with a laugh of disbelief at her own good fortune, she said “I’m just happy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina winked at her and pressed a soft kiss to Ellie’s lips, and low enough for only Ellie to hear, she murmured “Okay.”</span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Deep Blue started as a project to see if I COULD tell a story. I experimented a lot, challenged myself, and grew as a writer. There are a million things I’d do differently now, and I’m pumped to be back soon with the AU I’m working on so I can (hopefully) display that growth. I don’t think I would have finished Deep Blue without the support, so I appreciate everyone who read or commented. Seriously, thank you ALL.</p><p>While I’m away, I highly recommend Ehefic’s “Jackson Days” and “Oasis” which are a lovely pair of completed companion pre-canon fics, Breezered’s “I Was Born To Endure (This Kind of Weather)” which is a college AU and “State of Confusion (I’m In)” which is an 80’s AU, and WhiskeyTango86’s “Somewhere I Didn’t Think I’d Follow” which is a truly outstanding canon-divergent fic.</p><p>Did you like it? Did you hate it? Sound off in the comments below or catch me on Tumblr @shknofftherust where I post occasional updates to all 6 of my followers!</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is my first time ever attempting anything like this and I’m open to suggestions, pointers, etc!</p><p>I just made a Tumblr with the same handle! Let’s talk over there, yeah?</p></blockquote></div></div>
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